Eat, Pray, Love....LIVE!

Good Things ARE Happening!

2012-02-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. ~ James 1:12

It's pretty incredible what God will do when you remove yourself from a bad situation. A place where you should never be in the first place. When you can see clearly and think clearly. When you re-claim your worth, your purpose, and your ambition. God really does provide. Even though I've doubted every single time whether or not He would come through, He always has.

So, what's the good news?

First, promo season is now kicking into high gear after the post-holiday lull. I'm currently booked on several events which is STELLAR and I hope a sign of things to come.

In addition to that, after busting my butt, topping prior year sales numbers, and being all around awesome, I was offered a Market Manager position with a super cool company surrounding the marathon market. This companies product is the number one of its kind amongst marathon runners. It's fab-o and I'll share it with you guys soon. This means crazy great pay, working 2-3 days a week, and traveling all over the state of Florida and beyond. Miami, Jacksonville, Tampa, etc. Traveling, sightseeing, and getting paid to do it. There is seriously nothing better. This is a "here and there" kinda thing and I'll still need something else to really supplement my income but I'm so stinkin' blessed this position came along. I haven't toured since 2008 and it literally changed my life when I spent that year "on the road." You meet awesome people along the way and experience super cool things you might not have before. Secretly, I hope I have lots of stops in Miami. I've been dying to go back for ages.

Finally, the most incredible news of all...

Long story short, after a super hard financial battle, I have all doors opened for me to move back to DC. If you don't know me well, this is HUGE. Beyond huge. If you do know me well, you know what this means to me. I don't need to get into specifics of how this is now possible, but it was difficult, emotionally draining, but so incredibly worth it. When I got the call today that I was given the green light, I went hysterical. I'm pretty sure the woman on the phone doesn't deal with hysterical people very often. I wept like a baby, started shaking, and immediately got on my knees and praised God. This situation has been a dark cloud over me for many months. The only thing that was going to get me or stop me from being able to move. All looked very, very bleak but because I put my trust in the Lord, believed He would provide, and perservered...I can now move forward.

So many good things have happened since J & I's breakup. It's almost erie. I want to knock on wood over and over and over again. I honestly can't attribute it to anything else but God. My firm belief is that if you are on the right path, making the right decisions, focus your attention on Him, and have a faithful heart, He will bless you beyond your wildest dreams. You have to let Him take control and lead you in the right direction. There was no way these things were going to happen to me being stuck in a miserable situation that God did not bless. He truly does want more for me than what I was experiencing. The only thing keeping me here in Florida was my relationship with J. Once that was taken away, there was nothing left.

Leaving DC was my biggest regret, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without experiencing everything that has happened since then. Deployment. My marriage. My divorce. My miscarriage. My do-over with J. Everything in between. DC is where I am meant to be. It is where my heart feels at home. I have felt for many years it is where God was calling me to be. Makes total sense He is allowing it to happen. I feel called to serve our military and our veterans. There is no greater place to do this than our Nation's Capitol. I am so excited for all of the opportunity that awaits.

I spent yesterday applying for several positions with Wounded Warrior Project. This is my dream career guys. Seriously. If anyone out there has connections or contacts with WWP, I would be forever grateful if you could pass them on.

So, thank you for all of the prayers. They really do work. Now, pray for good things to continue to happen. Work to continue to come. For me to establish a solid exit plan to leave Florida and a firm ground to re-start my life in DC. For a position to open up where I can begin the career I have always dreamed of. I cannot wait.

Part of Me

2012-02-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

Did you guys see Katy Perry's AWESOME performance of this song on the Grammy's? Naturally, everyone is abuzz saying the whole thing was an homage to her divorce from Russell Brand. Apparently, she wrote "ET" (the song she started out with) about Russell and it was really interesting to see the "disturbance" in the performance from that song, breaking into this one. CLEARLY indicitive of their relationship being over. This is my new anthem. It was released Monday and it's already on heavy rotation on my iPod for working out and just plain jamming out. Enjoy and link up with Goodnight Moon!

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
'Cause you chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
That was then and this is now
Now look at me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
'Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep and you let me drown
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

Now look at me, I'm sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won't ever put me out again
I'm glowing, oh woah oh
So you can keep the diamond ring

It don't mean nothing anyway

In fact you can keep everything
Yeah, yeah
Except for me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

Wordless Wednesday

2012-02-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

EdenFantasys.com Giftcard Giveaway!

2012-02-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

For me, it's just another day this year but a day to celebrate me and all the people I love. For you guys, whether you're single or attached, I have an AWESOME giveaway from Eden Fantasys.

Truly, there is nothing more awesome than slipping into some sexy lingerie. It makes you feel so empowered and freakin' gorge! Does it not? I know sometimes, married or not, it can be a little intimidating but for me, it has ALWAYS been worth it. Even if you're celebrating this holiday single, they have gorgeous clothes, robes, and products to pamper yourself.

Eden Fantasys has everything you can imagine online from sexy lingerie, to bachelorette party gifts, beauty and body products, sex toys, and more. Take a peek at some of the PG things I found on their website...

"Wild in Ibiza" dress" ~ $45.99

*PERFECT birthday dress or for a trip to Vegas!*

"Lace-Up Ruffled Chemise & Thong" ~ $34.99

"Bridesmaid Eye Shadow Palette" ~ $14.99

SO...how do you treat yourself to some new sexy dresses, lingerie, makeup and more? Here are the rules for the giveaway.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Eden Fantasys provided this giveaway to me with no monetary exchange.

Pity Party is OVER!

2012-02-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

This makes me laugh. Hysterically.

First, thanks to all of you who have listened to me cry and pour my heart out for the past week and a half since my split with J. My blog is my diary, I just share it with the world. Naturally, I had to express all of my emotions that were running through me and it helped me immensely receiving such positive feedback from you all.

Now, the pity party is over and I'm happy to be returning my blog to it's regularly scheduled programming (whatever that may be). Time to stop giving attention to something and someone that doesn't deserve it to begin with and focus on me. Forgive me in advance if an entry or mention slips in every once in a while, because it's bound to happen BUT...I'm ready.

My eyes are wide open. The truth (or as much as I need of it) has come out. Weight has been lifted. My responsibilities to someone are over. God has blessed me with the ability to know and believe. Know and believe I am worth more, my life is only just beginning, and there is someone out there who will love and appreciate me for all my imperfections and incredible qualities. I don't have to compete for love, attention, and affection. No more.

I am stoked.

Oh, Whitney.

2012-02-12T16:24:00.004-05:00

Wow. What a sincere tragedy.

Obviously, unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard about the loss of Whitney Houston. I'm choosing to write about it for many reasons. Anytime someone whose reach has impacted so many dies tragically, it really, really sucks. Clearly, I'd never met her or had the honor of hearing her live and in person but as I browse through radio stations I remember all of the incredible songs she has done over the years. Truthfully, I fell in love with her when she was in "The Bodyguard" as a young girl. I never was able to watch the movie, but I think my mom had the soundtrack on cassette tape and I listened to it all the time. "I Will Always Love You" is a song that resonates through me and for so many people. It was one of those game changers. I absolutely loved her performence in "Waiting to Exhale" and I'll admit, it's one of my favorite post-divorce/breakup movies around. I owned that CD when it first came out. I'm a girl who loves, loves, loves some Whitney.

The dark side of all of this is what we presume to be her demise due to her drug addictions. Reports are saying it was Xanax combined with intense amounts of alcohol that caused her to drown in a tub. We know in the past, she had struggled with cocaine, prescription pills, and marijuana...often combining them. I've known people in my life who are here and who have gone who also struggled with addiction. It's a horrendous thing to watch someone you love travel down the path of emptiness and desperation. Addiction knows no bounds. It can happen to the people who seem to have it all and to the obvious ones who are down on their luck and have nothing (in their minds) to count on. Covering up inside hurts with the abuse of illegal or legal substances is SO not worth it. In any way shape or form.

I don't think users realize how much it does impact those around them. Loving someone who uses or abuses is like standing in front of them with your arms outstretched, but unable to reach them. They keep slipping farther and farther behind while you just stand still. Reaching to save them. It could be a friend, family member, boyfriend/girlfriend, neighbor, spouse, in-law. Young, old. Rich, poor. The absolute worst feeling in the world is watching and not being able to save. In the end, the person with the addiction has to be the one to admit they have a problem, want for a better life, and get the help they need and deserve. Most people don't realize they have a problem until it's too late and sometimes when they realize, they relapse. It just plain sucks.

Even though Whitney was a celebrity, my heart hurts for her daughter, family and friends. Just because they were in the shadow of her spotlight, doesn't make their pain any less than normal. Such an amazing God-given voice, an incredible talent, wasted and gone. So, so sad.

God is truly the only person who can fill your pain, ease your hurts, and make you feel whole. Drugs, alcohol, pills, & avoidance aren't going to do you any favors.

Quote

2012-02-12T09:37:00.000-05:00

‎"Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love." -Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Valentines Day. Single. Any Ideas?

2012-02-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

My favorite holiday of the year. Ugh. Yes, I'm into all of the goobly gock, the Hallmark bs, and all of the media hubub. I'm that girl.

BUT...this year I will be taking part in S.A.D. Single Awareness Day. A perfect and hilarious alternative to everything I mentioned above. I seriously had never heard of such a thing, but thanks to Google I found it.

I came across a few awesome articles reminding me that Valentines Day is super commercialized AND it isn't just about "couples" love. It's about love in general. Loving yourself. Loving your friends. Loving your family. Why waste a perfectly fabulous holiday with someone who makes you miserable or wallowing in your sorrows of singleness? No way. Not this girl.

So...I'm calling on all of you creative souls out there to think of some fab-o ideas for yours truly. If you're single, what are you planning on doing? If you're not but you remember single Valentine's Days past, what did you do? I would have LOVED to have an "Anti-Valentines Day" bash with my single friends, but for obvious reasons, there wasn't enough time to plan. I've always wanted to have one of those. Just like in the movie Valentine's Day. Cheesy, I know. Here are some of my thoughts. Don't mock me.

*Movie marathon. Spend all day at the movie theater seeing movies I've been dying to see. Laughing. Crying. Everything in between. On the list? This Means War. The Vow. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. I'm pretty sold on this idea.

*Gym Date. This will be happening regardless. Nothing gets you feeling like you can kick some serious ass then sweating it out and staring at hotties who are full of themselves.

*Betty Crocker. Make one of my most amazing cookie cakes complete with copy cat delicious frosting, buy a bottle of wine, and watch "He's Just Not That Into You."

*Mani/Pedi. Enough said.

*Pinterest Challenge. Make something from one of my zillion pins on my "Foodies Anonymous" board and something from my "Crafts" board.

Help! Help!

Ahhh Mexico. How I miss you!

2012-02-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have a ZILLION pictures of my fun in Mexico and half of them rest in the hands of other peoples cameras. So, here's the last round of pictures for now of our shoot for Barcelo.

This is the Mexican version of a Japanese Sake Bomb. Look closely inside the mug and you'll find an upside down little shot glass. Super fun.

Getting ready to chug...

GO! Notice how I'm already getting a head start. LOL.

Us girls at dinner. LOVED the candle holders.

I may or may not have been HAMMERED in this picture. Darn those Screwdrivers.

Filming a scene in one of the lobbies.

Filming at the discoteca! This was a seriously crazy experience. The club was pretty awesome for a resort, complete with super trimmed go go dancers and pretty good tunes. Our dancing skills however, left much to be desired. That's footage I don't want to see.

Another room scene. We only filmed about 35 rooms in 11 days.

Ahhh...finally finished! Notice those champagne glasses. They were glued to our hands the entire time.

These angels were BEAUTIFUL and this shot was TOTALLY Kate's idea ;-)

These iguanas were running all over the property. It was freaking awesome. I wanted so badly to pet one, but that didn't happen.

For days, I had pined over the amazing kids areas on Barcelo properties. Super off limits but we just had to do it. It was the most fun I had the entire time and the perfect way to end our shoots. Then, we got kicked out. Whoops!

In one year, I've been to Cozumel, Cabo San Lucas, Cancun, and Riviera Maya. That makes me a lucky person and I'm blessed 3 out of those four places were shooting for Barcelo. I'd highly recommend Barcelo properties to anyone wanting an awesome, all inclusive vacation. If anyone has any questions I'd be happy to answer them since we saw every aspect of the resorts from inside and out. Can't wait to return!

Written For Me

2012-02-09T00:00:00.001-05:00

I have always loved Delta Goodrem. She is a true gem. I just stumbled across this song the other night and honestly, it was written for me. Like seriously in every way. It's ironic. Right down to the "From seven years ago" part. I cannot stop singing it, thus it's my perfect song of choice for Goodnight Moon's weekly link-up.

I am broken
there's a stranger on the phone
Somethings missing,
From seven years ago
You tell me baby don't you cry anymore
that's the past and not what we've become
But I know

I am shaking
Not a breath left to breathe
All this sadness so cold
That I can't speak

Look me in the eyes,
You know it's okay we didn't make it forever
Come hold my hand,
Hold on to this last minute we have together

I'm not ready
To say goodbye
You and God both know
All the years that I've tried
And if it's over
Give me the strength to go
Cause I know I'm never going to be
I'll never be ready
To say goodbye, to you

My bags are all packed
Waiting at the door
Its hard to imagine
I won't live here anymore

I'm scared of tomorrow
And the emptiness to come
But I've changed for the better
Since I've known your love

Look me in the eyes,
You know it's okay we didn't make it forever
Come hold my hand,
Hold on to this last minute we have together

I'm not ready
To say goodbye
You and God both know
All the years that I've tried
And if it's over
Give me the strength to go
Cause I know I'm never going to be
I'll never be ready
To say goodbye, to you
(I'm not ready)

And even if we tried
We would end up right back at this place together
This was not a lie
And what we had will always be a real love forever

I'm not ready
To say goodbye
You and God both know
All the years that I've tried
And if it's over
Give me the strength to go
Cause I know I'm never going to be
I'll never be ready
I'm not ready
To say goodbye
You and God both know
All the years that I've tried
And if it's over
Give me the strength to go
Cause I know I'm never going to be
I'll never be ready
To say goodbye to you
I'll never be ready

Grief. Again.

2012-02-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

I think I am an expert on grief. Perhaps I should knock on wood though, because I guess God can always show me I'm not.

Grief comes in waves. I hate this roller coaster of emotions. Breakups really do suck. I know they are supposed to. I know they are supposed to make you grow. I believe with all my heart, I will be just fine. I'll find love again. I'll find someone to FINALLY love and respect me as I deserve. I know God's got it under control. BUT...they still absolutely suck.

I've experienced a lot of grief in my life through the deaths of many people I've loved and through the ending of many relationships in which I was deeply impacted. (Since most of you don't know me THAT well, 95% of all my relationships have been long term and serious) I'm not the kinda girl who dates. It's not me. I mean, clearly it hasn't worked well for me dating people I've had friendships with first, but it's just not my thing. I'm such an open and loving person, I don't like the risk of giving myself to someone who really won't matter after the 2nd or 3rd date. By giving myself, I mean emotionally. Anyway, I digress. The point is, anytime a relationship ends that mattered to you at all, there's that good ole grief cycle to run through.

I want to skip right through it. Over and out. But, knowing what I know about grief...you can't. You have to face it head on. Work through all the stages.

I'm surprised I am doing so well, and when I say well...I mean as best as possible. I honestly think it's because I've been down this road before. With the same person. I know what to expect. I know what's ahead. I know what I have to do. It still doesn't erase the hurt, but it's helped. My friends have been awesome too.

But you know, every once in a while that creeper "What if?" thought comes in my head. What if I did this different? What if I had done that? But, in my circumstance of the TRUE reason why our relationship ended, it had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him. I know. I know. Sounds so "typical" to say, but really. I guess I'm blessed with knowing him so well and for so long, that I realize that with such ease. It's helpful to have others who know as well, and agree. Still, the waves come and they go. I have periods of "This is SO no big deal. Life Goes On. I'm WAY better than this" and "Oh my god. It's really over. Is it really? There's no way. This can't be happening. Why?" And so it goes...

I think one of the stinkers is that I feel after what happened, our relationship, he, is not worth the grief. Clearly, what I thought, never really was. But, there goes the anger. The disbelief. Le sigh.

I'll take the Spotless Mind treatment please?

Life Lessons from Pinterest

2012-02-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Love this.

Isn't that the truth?

True.

I hate this. Once the trust is gone, it is near impossible to get back. It just doesn't work.

C.S. Lewis is pretty amazing.

LOVE this one!

**My FAVE**

This is absolutely, 1000% true in my life right now and I am so thankful for God's protection.

Yep. True Statement. Laughing all the way on this one...

Maybe...

My Big Fat Mexican Wedding

2012-02-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I intended on sharing the rest of my Mexican journeys with you much earlier, but I kinda had my heart trampled on before I could finish. SO...here is part two (more to come) of my time at Barcelo in Riviera Maya AND my Mexican wedding ;)

A gorgeous sitting area outside Club Premium

Some anise tequila delivered to my room. I left it.

My awesome bathroom. Would love something like this in real life!

Group dinner! These are the other models, production crew, and assistants.

Surf & Turf @ the French Restaurant

Playa Azul, where my wedding would take place.

Look who it is! Me, the blushing bride.

Kate & Bryan looking on with pride. LOL.

Taking the hands of my husby.

I only had to walk down the aisle half a dozen times.

So the story. Because we were shooting promotional videos highlighting the resorts amenities, a wedding was a must. I was chosen. At first, I was stoked since I never had a real wedding, to have a pretend one. I mean, how awesome to have a shin dig but not have the marriage. Perfect! Then, I absolutely FREAKED. Embarrassingly enough, I got tanked the day we were to shoot and hid in my room for as long as I could. Then, it got cancelled due to the weather. Thank goodness. The next day, we woke up first thing and got it over with. The funny part was people thought it was an actual wedding. Grabbing their iPad's to take pictures, someone even went as far as walking up and touching the wedding dress while it was hanging in the breeze. HUH? But, all in all it was an experience I'm glad I had because it re-confirmed I'm not ready for marriage and I'm pretty sure I lost 5lbs in that sun. ACK! How do you beach brides do it??? It's really funny that Kate and Bryan were there, because when I do get married for real, I joked how funny it's going to be standing in my wedding dress again thinking back to our shoot in Mexico :) I can't wait to see the final footage!

One Thing I Know...

2012-02-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

One thing I can take so much comfort in, is knowing God's undying love for me.

I'm not the picture perfect Christian. I don't pray as often as I should. I don't go to Church as often as I should. I curse. I use the Lord's name in vain. I do things Christians shouldn't do. I've made mistakes in my past that occurred during dark periods of my life when I was closer to the devil instead of my Savior.

But, through it all, HE has remained constant. He is the one thing in my life I can always count on. The one who never turns his back. The one who never walks away. The one who always reminds me I'm good enough.

I am so thankful to have my faith.

I was raised in a Christian home. I went to private school until 8th grade. I don't remember when exactly I accepted Jesus, but He was always just there. Funny enough, I do remember when I renewed my Faith and became closer. It was shortly after discovering my infertility and shortly after J & I ended our relationship the first time. I was in the depths. I had no idea how I was going to survive. He got me through one of the most painful, unexplained periods of my life. There have been many more since, and here I stand in such a similar spot that brought me closer to God in the first place. With the same person. As if no time has passed at all. But it has.

I honestly have no idea where I would be without God. I know that's the cliche that all Christians say, but it's the truth. He fills that void in my life others fill with wrongs. He comforts me. He eases my pain.

J's sister texted me the title of this song, "Run To You" by Michael W. Smith. I cried hysterically listening to it because it's so perfect for me right now.

Control, I give up control
I can't carry this alone
I've tried, for so long I've tried
To make it on my own
Now dreams are scattered on the ground
And now I'm on my knees

I, I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I'm gonna run to You
I, I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I'm gonna run to You, run to You

Weak, there are times I'm weak
If my scars could speak, they'd say
That grace is my only hope
Grace is showing me the way
To where all my shadows disappear
And healing waits for me

I, I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I'm gonna run to You
I, I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I'm gonna run to You, run to You

What kind of love is this?
Lifts me up and draws me in
Tonight I'm just a heart running back home
When everything is pushed aside
All my plans and all my pride
Tonight I'm just a heart coming back home

I can't help myself
I'm gonna run to You
I, I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I'm gonna run to You, run to You
I'm gonna run to You

Being single is pretty awesome...

2012-02-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so maybe I'm not THAT enthusiastic. Okay, not at all enthusiastic.

BUT

here's a list of things that make being single AWESOME that I am SO looking forward to.

*No more 24/7 SportsCenter

*No more pro basketball on TV

*No more college basketball on TV

*No more tennis on TV

(for the record, I love sports like crazy, but unless it's golf or football, not on TV)

*No more earth shaking farts in the middle of the night and as my wake up call in the morning

*No more teeny tiny hairs all over the sink and counter

*No more ironing endless amounts of laundry

*No more constant chiming of the iPhone

*No more eating leftovers

*No more "Nah. You can go to Church, that's not my thing."

*No more helping someone scrub their condo from top to bottom

*No more stressing about perfection

*No more freaking about what to make for dinner

*No more grocery shopping for two

*No more sharing crazy tight quarters and wanting to literally go crazy

*No more worrying if someone is telling the truth or not

(perhaps the most important!)

Ahh...so much to look forward to ;-)

Day One

2012-02-03T22:35:00.001-05:00

Day one...of sorts...is down.

How I intended for this blog entry to sound has now changed after putting puzzle pieces together and realizing A WHOLE LOT that I was blind to before. A lot can happen when you start blogging, life happens, and you come back to it.

I'm sick. I'm disgusted. But in a way, it helps. It helps me pick up the pieces and move on a little faster.

I will never understand liars for as long as I live. Never. Someone pointed out to me that maybe I'm not meant to understand, because I'm not capable of lying like that. So true. Because I don't lie, I'm brutally honest, I don't see the point. I literally do not. If you have nothing to hide, if you live your life honestly, it makes life so much easier. Why would anyone want to live in a vicious circle of lies? Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where that's all it seems to consist of?

It's been 48 hours and I swear to you, I feel more empowered than I ever have before.

Every cliche quote about someone being able to walk away from you, and someone who doesn't deserve your time and effort, all of them are ringing in my head.

I'm empowered by all the comments I've gotten, messages, texts from friends, tweets, and phone conversations. A few things are repeating and resonating...

*You deserve better

*You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who lies

*You don't want to be in a relationship with someone involved in bad things

*You don't want to be with someone you can't trust

*You don't want to be with someone who doesn't love themselves

*YOU DESERVE BETTER*

It can be so hard to remember that. You want to think about the good things, the good times, how they made you feel so wonderful. While those things are true, the real truth, the ugly truth is still there. The stuff you always saw but tried to avoid acknowledging.

Boundaries are so huge to me. Red flags are even more so. They were there for a while. Perhaps starting out small and gradually getting bigger, more profound, and occurring more and more. I knew, but I chose to ignore. No way could I give up on him. I couldn't do it. Of all people, I just couldn't do it to him. Looking back, sadly, I'd have done anything and everything. Taking virtually everything and absorbing it like a sponge. That's not the way it's supposed to be. Another reason I am so thankful for the friends I have surrounding me reminding me of that. Real love, real relationships aren't that way. Everyone has problems, but problems and serious issues are entirely different.

For those wondering and for those sweet ones of you who were praying for me today, I didn't have to face him. I am so thankful for that. In a twisted way, I feel so happy that I *hopefully* will never have to see his face again. Orlando is a small city and our circles are so intertwined, but it brings me amazing peace knowing I don't have to.

I'm taking things hour by hour and thinking about day by day, but I'm already eagerly looking forward to what is ahead of me. I can't WAIT to get out of Orlando again and I hope and pray it's sooner than later. God knows what's in my heart and I know He's going to do whatever He can to get me where He wants me to be. Please join me in praying for that. My heart has never been here, something I learned in the last 48 hours for certain, yet knew many years ago.

I love my blog. I love the blogosphere. I love all of you who give me so much support and encouragement. It really is something and means everything to me. I have always prided myself on being someone transparent and have strived to keep my blog in line with that feeling. While bearing your soul for everyone, friends and enemies included, to ponder over...it's incredibly healing. Thank you all so much. Keep the love coming!!!

Time to just let go...

2012-02-02T15:14:00.001-05:00

When we let someone in our lives over and over again, and continue to let them hurt us, and abuse us, we are saying to them that they matter more to us than our self-respect and our dignity, and that if they continue with these types of behaviors that we will continue to let them in our lives. In order to take a stand for ourselves we must be willing to part ways with people with whom we know that we have given a significant amount of chances to.

It happened. We are no longer together. I'm sitting here in my old bedroom at my dad's house with a million emotions running through my body. Mostly anger and resentment and honestly, a little relief. It changes by the hour. I thank the Xanax that kept me out of the zone today and allowed me to get an extra two hour nap. All I want to do is not eat, drink lots of water, and work out like a lunatic. I fear that if I start working out, I'll pass out for lack of nourishment. It's seriously been 24 hours since I've eaten. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me doesn't have the energy.

There's nothing worse than being lied to. Well, actually being lied to over and over to the point you can't tell the truth from the lies or even determine if any part of your relationship was real is pretty shitty.

I knew this person since we were little immature 10th graders, that was 13 years ago. There was a spark between us then that never went out. We dated when we were 19/20 and he ripped my heart out 7 years ago. He did this EXACT SAME THING to me 7 years ago. Should I even be sitting here surprised? He realized he made a mistake and after years and years of more time gone by, realized we both wanted to try it again because we just could never shake each other. Dating others. Marriage. Divorce. Living in several different states. College. We never could. We were best friends. Nobody knows me better. Nobody knows him better. We'd be at a stop light and a stranger would roll down the window and tell us how great we looked together. Seriously. It happened. A lot. There was no doubt in my mind that despite him not being perfect and me not having it all together, we were the ones for each other. We were gonna make it. We had an incredible story, a once in a lifetime love that we just had to relax and let happen. I wasn't interested in rings, weddings, and babies. I wasn't the typical girl putting pressure for those things. To be with him, you had have extreme patience. Baby steps. I was SO WILLING because I loved him that much. I could list a million memories like journals I kept and gave to him when we were younger, praying over him as he slept almost every night growing up, and even when we were apart, always knowing in my heart he was still right there.

Now, all of that is gone.

I feel like I am left with this crumpled carcass of a blur of a relationship that seemed to happen as fast as it ended. Not only that, I don't think after all of this time, all of these trials, and all of the "love," I even realized what I was dealing with.

I was hysterical yesterday listening to him tell me "my heart can't open itself to love you. my heart just can't love you." Funny enough 24 hours before I had asked him a question I'd been dying to ask for 8 years. "Do I scare you? Is it that you could never date someone again as long as you live? That you could see yourself with me for the rest of your life? And that...scares you to the point of closing yourself off and wanting to run?" His answer...a hysterical yes. Less than 24 hours later, all of this was ending and he was still admitting he was scared, couldn't open his heart, and he was throwing 13 years of everything away. Then, I was manipulating him by asking him about him being scared and he freaked, back peddled and it was just that he couldn't love me. This person who ordered my Valentines Day present this week, 2 weeks in advance. Who had hung out with my family on Sunday and wanted to make plans to go down South to watch the football game with his family this weekend. The one who called his spare bathroom, my bathroom until he moved out in a few months. Who involved me in his home buying process. Showing me half a dozen houses to give my stamp of approval. Who told his own sister not even 2 weeks ago that although I wouldn't be living with him right away, I'd probably be moving in sometime after. BUT WAIT...this all coming from someone who tells me they've been feeling like breaking up for almost 3 months now, but they just couldn't do it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm supposed to believe that? I'm supposed to believe you when you say you couldn't open your heart to love me, but you gave our relationship your 100%, but then wait...you did open your heart, but oh yeah...you were "talking" to your ex-girlfriend the whole time. That's some kinda respect right there.

Sitting here processing all of this and talking to an amazing friend, I realize...the person I thought I love doesn't exist. I loved him for what he COULD be, not for what he was. Or is he? He's so far gone, so off the deep end, so confused, cares so little about himself, knows NOTHING about himself, and has based his entire life on a series of lies to everyone he knows. And the worst part about it all, is it breaks my heart. It hurts my heart in a million places to know someone who is capable of so much, who is worth so much, who doesn't realize their incredible value, who I love greater than I ever thought I could, is so confused and self destructive. That's the most painful thing about all of it, because 13 years ago, we came together as friends. Before there was romance and love, there was a deep friendship and it saddens me it will be no longer.

He has been in and out, a million chances, I've sacrificed a lot, and this time...there is no going back. How many chances must you give before you realize it's just not worth it anymore? He can't love anyone because he doesn't love himself. He can't be trusted nor can he trust others, because he doesn't know how to be truthful. Really, really sad.

I remember feeling that I never wanted to experience life without him ever, ever again. I'd been with. I'd been without. I was 1000% certain I never, ever wanted to do this thing called life without him ever. Experiencing immense struggles in your life and coming to terms with what really matters, will do that to you. Something he unfortunately hasn't experienced.

My heart is broken in a million pieces. I feel angry for being blind sided. I feel angry for knowing what I know, that he never gave our relationship a chance. He never did. All of the lies. It's starting to feel like every other thing out of his mouth was a lie. It makes me want to puke. I am devestated by my feelings of such security, of just knowing regardless of what came our way (because we'd made it through so much in 8 years) we'd always be together. I just knew. So foolish. He was the one person who was always there in my head and my heart, same for him. How could it not be the real thing? Obviously, it's not. What makes me even more sad is the fact he could have thrown all of it away because he was scared, because it was hard work, because he wasn't ready for it AGAIN, and because it was far too easy to run into the arms of someone sitting like a spider on the side, ready to pounce.

But, the relief. Despite my anger and tears he wasn't who I thought he was. I still believe in my heart, he is the person I fell in love with 8 years ago, but he has a lot of garbage covering it all up. He isn't capable of loving me how I deserve to be loved. Not right now. Not in the near future. Not for a very long time, if ever. I can be secure in knowing I did all I could. I gave it more than 1000% and tried again. It just didn't work. I can't change his mind. I can't make him realize. I can't uncover his heart. There's nothing more I can do. That's so hard to swallow. There's someone better out there for me. Hard to fathom, but there is. I hope with all of my heart God gives me the ability to move on and put him forever in my past. Loving someone for 8 years despite being apart and never losing those feelings is a really hard mountain to imagine having to climb and conquer.

Tomorrow is a hard day as I go back, face him again, and gather all of my belongings from his place. I honestly wish I never had to see his face ever again. Once tomorrow passes, I don't have to. I know this is the only way I can let him go. He has to be gone forever. For good. Never to come back. It's time to pick up the pieces, grieve all that I had hoped, all that I had believed, and all that I had loved and move forward. God has an incredible dream for me, one I can't see, but it's there. He knows my heart. He knows all I deserve and it's far more than I can ever imagine. I pray he gets me through this one step at a time and shows me that despite the pain, he answered my prayer.

"Keep Breathing"

Ingrid Michaelson

Sneak Peek of our Barcelo Webisodes!

2012-02-02T11:06:00.002-05:00

Seriously, I have to start by saying Walter Lowe with Blackburst Entertainment is INCREDIBLE. His work is just awesome and mad props to his lighting person, Trey Jenkins. The video below is compiled of clips from 50 days in Latin America shooting in Punta Cana, Manzanillo, Los Cabos, Puerto Vallarta, Riveria Maya, and more. See if you can spy me in a few shots ;-) Can't wait for the individual webisodes to come out!

Cancun and Riviera Maya! Part One

2012-01-31T15:15:00.000-05:00

I am back!!!! Most of you didn't know unless you caught my hints on my EPLL's Facebook fan page. I was in Cancun & Riviera Maya, Mexico for 11 days. Remember when I went to Cabo a few months ago and did a shoot for Barcelo Resorts? Well, I did another one and this time my friends Kate and Bryan got to go along as well! It was an exhausting but much needed break from reality. I have TONS of pictures to share but here's part one...

View from my room @ Barcelo Tucancun

Finally! In Cabo, there were no Coronas!

The second resort we shot at, Barcelo Costa Cancun. Absolutely the best of the two in Cancun.

Sunrise <3

Ahhh...Paradise is found! After 5 days in Cancun, we spend the rest of our time at the luxurious Barcelo Maya Palace Deluxe. An amazing property of 5 resorts.

The best part when you stay in a Deluxe property is the Club Premium. This greeted me every morning when I went to visit :) I love Bloody Mary's!

View of one of the pools and kids areas.

View from my patio.

Presidential Suite. Yeah. We filmed there and it was pretty awesome. I wouldn't pay $1000 a night though!

View from Presidential Suite.

Presidential Suite living room.

Kinda nice to have a tub on your balcony huh?

This is how we rolled in Mexico. Poppin' champagne bottles non-stop.

Kate and I :)

Maybe in the future...

2012-01-30T10:19:00.000-05:00

"The only way to really know is to really let it go."

Friday's Fancies - Blog Swap.

2012-01-27T11:56:00.000-05:00

Hello. Hello. Hello. Today is my favorite day of the week FRIDAY and that means it's Fashion Friday and Friday's Fancies.

It's Heather here from ...this & that... and I'm taking over Shannon's blog today! Shannon's over at my blog today. My blog is a lifestyle blog that covers a little bit of everything...hence, the name ...this & that... It originally began a little over 2 years ago to chronicle my travel planning for my very first trip to Europe. However, it has "morphed" quite a bit since then. Let's see what do I blog about? Travel, life (and I'm "newly" single gal so, upcoming posts will include my re-introduction into dating scene), laughter and little tidbits about ...this & that... Oh, and let's not forget my creative side...I make note cards and knit scarves...my etsy shop Blondie's Shop. Alright, enough about me let's get on with today's "Fancies".

Shannon and I are both taking part in the blog swap by Alison over at {long distance loving}. I'm very excited to see what all of you wonderful follower's of Shannon's blog Eat, Pray, Love...LIVE think of my fabulous outfit choice for today. By the way, I want to give a special shout out to Shannon and let her know it's been a pleasure getting to know her better (through this wonderful community of blogging) and by swapping blogs with her today. I really enjoy the blogging world and the truly wonderful virtual friends I've made and the one's I have met in person too! Shannon's a wonderful gal and I'm glad I met her.

Today's outfit is inspired by my trip to the Windy City this weekend. You see I live in Phoenix and headed to Chicago last night for a bit of fun with friends and family! However, I will say that I grew up here in the suburbs of Chicago so I am no stranger to the Windy City. Anyhow, on with the outfit... You see I am truly inspired by the chilly weather and I was hoping for a "white-out" but, I'm very sad to say it's not going to happen. Yes, coming from the Valley of the Sun I was seriously hoping for a bunch of snow. Bunches! I love the snow. Hence, today's themed outfit.

The look for today is not my own creation but does depict something that is "me". I'm going for a white look with a "hint" of color. And of course I needed an absolutely fabulous pair of white boots and coordinating bag. Can you say yes? I'd love for the fashion fairy to drop this sassy outfit in my closet (hint, hint). Don't hesitate to leave a comment for the fashion fairy as well...you never know if the "fairy" is reading.

Have a fabulous Friday and wonderful weekend! Do share your fun plans...? I'm spending the day with my Auntie Karen and we are heading to Portillo's for lunch. Yum! I plan on spending the weekend with my bestie and her family.

Don't forget to head over to {long distance loving} and check out what all of the other blogger's have put together for today! And you can see Shannon's outfit over at ...this & that...

soft winter by kamilka featuring a zipper dress

Jil Sander zipper dress
£399 - theoutnet.com

Long coat
$795 - lagarconne.com

Giuseppe zanotti boots
$860 - stylebop.com

Mango shop handbag
£60 - mango.com

ASOS bracelet
asos.com

J.Crew stud earrings
$50 - jcrew.com

Two Years

2012-01-26T21:48:00.001-05:00

2 - Two - Dos

While ~~enjoying~~ working in Mexico, I failed to realize this blog turned two on the 23rd! While it's true this is not my first or only blog, it is the one I hold closest to my heart and the only one I continue to document my journey in.

Blogging has brought me amazing places, allowed me to meet incredible people, and friend people I may never meet. I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I invite those of you who are new to my blog to travel back in time to the very beginning, when I originally began this blog as a way to document my struggles with infertility while trying to conceive. My life has changed dramatically in two years and hurdles I never thought I would overcome are now all but memories recorded in this online diary of sorts.

I wonder where I'll be two years from now...

Happy Blog-o-Versary to me!

Blogger Shout-Out

2012-01-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Just a quick shout out for my fellow Mexico traveling comrade and future soon to be not so really husband, Will over at "Wake and Wander." If you're into travel blogs or just want to live vicariously through someone who travels and writes about it for a living, check him out! He'll be sharing lots of our fun adventures in Cancun and Riviera Maya!

Permission to Be

2012-01-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was deep in thought (as I usually am) about allowing certain people in your life. To me, allowing someone in is a privilege. It is not something that "just is" because you are family or share the same blood line. Not only does this apply to who YOU choose to have in your life but to those around you who choose to include you in theirs.

There comes a time when someone who once brought you joy and happiness, does no longer. They just aren't the same anymore. They've changed, as we know people constantly do. Perhaps you realize they haven't changed at all, ever, and it's time for them to go. Maybe this happened over time on your own or maybe something occurred in a violent, abrupt fashion to make you see. There's something funny about wanting to hold onto people we no longer need.

I feel that everyone comes into your life for a reason. The thing is, they truly don't have to stay forever. Sometimes you have to accept they were there, in that exact place and time, and served their purpose. That door is now closed and it's time to open another one.

Why is this such a novel concept that is so hard to grasp?

My firm belief is that if someone isn't pushing you forward, they are taking you backwards. If they are not lifting you up, they are taking you down. It's just not worth the time and energy anymore. We should surround ourselves on a daily basis with people who share our spirit and appreciate our inner beings.

Maybe I'm rambling after a lot of champagne and coffee and trying to distract myself from the mounds of homework in front of me. After the past few days I've had, this concept is ever present in my mind...

Better As A Memory

2012-01-20T11:26:00.001-05:00

Yay! It's back!

After a long hiatus, Goodnight Moon's weekly song link up is back up and running. So, for this week, I stumbled across an old favorite of mine from Kenny Chesney. I forgot how much I love this song.

Enjoy and link up!

What Guys Can Learn from Tim Tebow

2012-01-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

It's cool to love God.

There's something awesome about a man who loves his Lord & Savior and is unashamed. For whatever reason, finding men like this is a rarity these days. Men are to be leaders and Tim shows this day in and day out on and off the football field. We all know it's typically "not cool" to be a man and be open about your faith, regardless of your age or stature. It's hard to stand firm and have a voice for God. More guys should be so fearless and stand up for what they truly believe in.

It's cool to love your family.

First, it takes another strong man and God fearing woman to instill family values. The Tebow family has a solid structure and Mr. & Mrs. Tebow raised their kids with incredible values. Because of this, Tim is who he is today. He loves his family. He respects his mom. It's super cool to love your family and make special efforts to spend quality time with them.

It's cool to do for others.

We all know about Tim's caring heart and how he gives to those less fortunate and those who are in despair. There's nothing more awesome than a man who has a giving heart. A man who is thankful for his many blessings and gives to those who could use some extra ones. Volunteering and stepping out of your comfort zone to serve is really awesome.

It's cool to love kids.

Seriously, there is nothing sexier than a man holding a baby or getting down on the floor to play dolls or trucks with a child. Seriously. Loving kids is an awesome trait.

It's cool to be driven and have goals.

There's something about a man who knows what he wants, goes after it, and doesn't go down without a fight.

New Hair!

2012-01-16T08:48:00.003-05:00

Okay so not the GREATEST picture in the world but I promise a better view soon. I cut more than 5 INCHES off and actually did a hair cut/style for once. GAHHH!

Vote On My Hair!!!

2012-01-11T08:30:00.000-05:00

The hair gods are smiling on me and it's finally time for me to get my nappy roots touched up and an overhaul of my do. There are no better fashion and beauty judges out there than those who blog. SO...I want you guys' opinion of what I should do with my hair. Do me favor and take a peek at the colors below. Choose the one you think I should do and vote. I'll share with you guys on Saturday what I ended up choosing.

Wordless Wednesday - 7 Years Later

2012-01-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Smelling Good in January

2012-01-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

First, I have to start by saying I really LOVE being a Scentsy Consultant. I know that's what everyone is supposed to say, because we want you to love it too and join our team. Seriously, I love it. I haven't always been the highest in sales or worked hard to get them, but I love the products so much and could never imagine using anything else in my home...ever. As crazy as it sounds, I look forward to raiding my Scentsy cabinet and changing our scents every few days to something new and yummy.

So, with all of that being said...January has lots and lots of awesomeness happening in Scentsyland.

First, it is DOUBLE hostess reward month which means you will earn double half price items when you host a party. You can do these parties online, through Facebook, in person, with me via Skype, or a combination of all of the above. You do not need to be local to me, as I ship you my special traveling tester kit and a sampler of all of my Scentsy products. It's SUPER easy. If you've never tried Scentsy, doing it during double hostess rewards month is the perfect time. It's how I got hooked on Scentsy. Check it out!

January's Warmer & Scent of the Month are adorable and insanely romantic. Perfect for Valentine's Day right around the corner.

JANUARY SCENT | Linger

A perfect moment has a way of leaving behind a lovely trace,

a whisper of a memory. Pink grapefruit, sugared apple, lavish

praline, and flirty marshmallow create a fragrance that says “stay.

Finally and most exciting of all is our Bring Back My Bar campaign. Over the years, Scentsy has come up with some pretty incredible scents and retired them during varying catalog periods. Twice a year, millions of votes are tallied from Scentsy lovers who choose the scents they are longing for again. The top 20 winners come back for one month only and then our gone again for good. This month is your chance to snag yummy scents including:

Amaretto

Berries & Bubbly

Bubblegum

Buttermints

Cherry Almond Pie

Cinnamon Cider*

Coffee Tree

Cranberry Spice*

Eucalyptus

Flower Shop

Mad About Mint

Mysterious*

Pretty in Pink*

Spiced Grapefruit

Spring Clean*

Taj Mahal*

Toasted Apple Butter*

Toasted Caramel Sugar

Twilight*

Vanilla Walnut

*Personal Favorite

If you're interested in hosting, joining, or making a purchase, you can visit my website at:

http://scentswithshan.scentsy.us

Check back soon for a special Scentsy giveaway for my 2 year Blog-O-Versary! ;-)

Grief and Baby Loss...In Politics???

2012-01-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

If you have a brain, you know everyone deals with grief differently. They handle it in their own ways and in their own time. Grief is not something that someone on the outside has a right to comment on or direct.

I was watching the news today when it was mentioned that Fox News commentator and staunch liberal Alan Colmes slammed Republican Candidate for President, Rick Santorum. This sounds normal during political times, but when you learn it was over how he handled the death of his infant son...it hits an all time low.

Many years ago, Rick and his wife lost their son Gabriel when he was 2 hours old. Tragic. They decided to take the child home and introduce him to their other children so they could meet him, even though deceased. Maybe that's not for everyone, but who is ANYONE to say that is right or wrong? Why can't someone choose how they grieve their own child without being subject to future political ridicule?

I try hard not to mix my political beliefs and feelings in with my blog, but that's just disgusting no matter what party you are affiliated with. Check the video of the conversation below...

What's Your Sign?

2012-01-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

All credit and inspiration for this blog post goes to Melody at Brave Girls Club. I'm so glad I stumbled across her post, thanks to Pinterest.

First, you must take 5 minutes or so to read it. Like, really read it.

((Click Here))

For my wounded warrior wives, I know you will identify entirely with her and her husbands experience. Make sure you have plenty of tissues around.

----

My Church did something similar to this with cardboard testimonies. You can check some of them out below...

After reading Melody's story, I pondered long and hard about my sign or signs. I have felt for a while now, I could benefit greatly by wearing one around my neck all of the time. One that said "I hurt. I'm trying. Be patient. Be gentle." With that said, it makes me more aware of what other people's internal signs might say. We never know what others may be going through. On the outside, it may look like they have it all together but they very well could be on the verge of losing it all and falling apart.

So important not to judge others and save your harsh, negative, and debilitating words for yourself...or not at all.

What would your sign read?

Would I Do It Again?

2012-01-07T00:03:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, when I listen to Dave Barnes' instrumental version of "On A Night Like This," I'm always inspired. It makes me think and half the time, I daydream about being in an old rustic barn filled with white lights and all my friends and family watching me slow dance with the man of my dreams. I know. I know. Super descriptive and crazy romantic.

Anyway, one of many thoughts that crossed my mind while listening to that song on loop was this...

"Would I do this all over again?"
Translation: Would I ever be with another military man again?

First, I'll start by saying I've learned to never say never. When you say that, God laughs and throws you a curve ball. So, I won't say never. BUT, I will say I can't really imagine it.

I know there are great men out there who serve our nation proudly. Men who respect their wives and love them as they are supposed to. For me, the risk is far too great. I loved someone who was at one time that guy. Then he went to war and came back a monster. I never want to experience that ever again.

If I end up back in DC, the odds of dating a uniformed man are seriously more than 50/50. The DC area is home to several military bases and I'm pretty sure 95% of the guys I knew while living there, had at one time been active duty. Not to mention the fact that my dream job consists of being surrounded by them all day long. Not like that.

BUT...if there's one thing I do know, it's that we choose who we want to be with and I do not see myself choosing another man in uniform. I just don't. I feel like I've been there, done that, and have the scarlet letter to prove it. It's not as romantic as it seems and spending a year or more away from someone you love is just plain not awesome.

Still, I always applaud the many women (and men) I know who do just that. They love and dedicate their lives to being with someone in uniform. It's a whole different life.

Friday Fancies - OMG SHOES!

2012-01-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

Yay! It's time for the first Friday Fancies of the New Year! Any guesses what the theme is this week? What woman doesn't love shoes? Take a gander at what I put together and link up @ Long Distance Loving!

1. Don't you LOVE that it says LOVE on the sides of the shoe?

2. Reminds me of some Britney Spears MTV Music Awards days.

3. Need. New. Sperry's.

4. Dying for my first pair of Tory Burch flats.

5. Oh, Hermes. Didn't fall in love with them 'til I watched Kim
Kardash go gaga over them.

OMG SHOES! by shanstinson featuring hermes shoes

Tory Burch black ballerina flat
$195 - bergdorfgoodman.com

Hermes shoes
$2,250 - usa.hermes.com

Georgina Goodman suede heels
£398 - theoutnet.com

ALDO platform heels
$135 - aldoshoes.com

Sperry Top Sider lace up wedge
$80 - macys.com

Jamie Kennedy Was Brillz

2012-01-05T00:00:00.001-05:00

Do you guys remember the Jamie Kennedy Experiment? I mean, seriously one of the most brillz and hilarious shows ever. If you want a chuckle, check out the clip below from Spring Break in Panama City a few years back :)

And this one starring B-rad is crazy funny...

Get Naked!

2012-01-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

For Christmas this year, I asked for Urban Decay's original Naked eye shadow palette. It's my mission for 2012 to start paying more attention to my hair and makeup. I'm normally a simple mascara, lip gloss, powder, and bronzer kinda girl. I don't wear foundation, blush, eye liner, brow pencil, lip stick, etc. I still will not be overdoing it, but playing up my eyes is a definite must this year.

While Santa didn't bring me the palette, I did receive a $50 Macy's gift card and decided to spend it wisely in the makeup department. I snagged the Naked palette and this set of four lip glosses/colors from Bare Minerals.

So first, Naked is AWESOME! I highly encourage all of you to splurge and buy it. I'm a natural person and this palette gives you the ability to look natural, but with a kick.

It includes twelve shades, some matte and some with a shimmer, as well as a cruelty free brush that rocks your socks.

I busted it out for New Years Eve and with the help of this awesome YouTube tutorial...

...ended up with this fab-o look on my eyes. ((Ignore my Botox needing Crows Feet and under eye wrinkles!!))

I am stoked that someone on Twitter recommended this to me because it's a great way for me to start my new makeup resolution. Love love love!

My New Years Eve

2012-01-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

In 2009, I was getting married.

In 2010, I was ringing in the new year in Charlotte with my new roomie.

In 2011, I was back home and spending time with my favorite friends.

Here's some pictures of the night. Nothing says class than drinking your favorite wine (Erath Pinot Noir) out of your favorite Tervis Tumbler with your name on it.

This is like porn for women. Two men in the kitchen with oven mitts on? HEAVEN!

Wendy & I <3

I kinda like him a little bit ;-)

First Wives Club in the house :-D

Group shot of all the couples

We might as well be triplets :)

Dream NYE Destinations

2012-01-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

As I was reading news articles and looking at YouTube, I came across this gorgeous video of the New Years Eve fireworks celebration in London. DREAM!

It got me to thinking about amazing places to ring in the new year. Places to add to my bucket list. Here's what I'm thinking...

New York City

Of course! I conquered the Christmas dream, now I have to conquer the NYE one too. I know it translates to standing on the street for 10+ hours and holding your pee and dealing with millions of people...but it's got to be an incredible experience.

Rio de Janeiro

I've been to Rio once before, but not for Carnviale and not for NYE. The city is beautiful. The people are lovely. The food is to die for.

Sydney

How amazing would it be to ring in the new year next to the Sydney Opera House? Word is they have one of the best fireworks displays around.

Where would you love to ring in the new year?

Hopes for 2012

2012-01-01T12:41:00.002-05:00

Yay! A new year is here and I am so excited!

2011 was a roller coaster of happy things and sad things and 2010 was much worse. I had hopes that 2011 would have been my year, but I'm blessed to say at least I made it through. I am so hopeful for 2012 and all that lies ahead. I truly feel it will be my year to make things happen and really, truly be happy.

For one, I should be completing my A.S. degree in Paralegal Studies this year. A huge accomplishment for someone who has struggled for years trying to balance school and full time work. I can't wait for that. Perhaps I'll be inspired to go even further and make more of my education. One step at a time.

I'm feeling strongly about continuing to make sure I am only allowing positivity in my life. That is something easier said than done, especially here in my hometown. It's incredible how much jealousy, envy, hate, and negativity is out there in the world and how much of an impact it can have. I will strive to speak positive words, not "should" on myself, and refrain from using "can't." There is nothing I can't do.

The beginning part of this year is make it or break it for me in Orlando and with my current relationship. I want and deserve to be happy after hanging by a thread and fighting to survive the past 2 years. That's why this year is the year for me to make things happen. I miss DC. I love it there. It is the home I carry in my heart. I feel very strongly that my career will be full speed and fulfilling there. It's very hard to have those feelings and not jump on them. But, I agreed to come back home, give things a chance, and determine if the sacrifice was worth it. I feel confident and happy that I will figure that out in 2012.

I'm hoping to spend more time giving to others, attending Church more often, and pushing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. I'm hoping to travel and can't wait to go to Mexico again in a couple weeks! :) I hope I spend more time blogging this year than I did in the final months of last.

I am looking forward to sharing 2012 with all of you in this great, big bloggie family and see where this year takes us. Great things are ahead!!!

2011 in Review

2011-12-30T12:57:00.002-05:00

What a year it has been. Oh 2011, I will be so very glad to see you go!

I rang in the new year with my new roommate after moving into a gorgeous house in Charlotte, NC.

Piper had a second best friend with her dog Charley and we saw some more snow!

February came along and I started a small dog group on Meetup.com which lead to meeting lots of amazing people I still call my close friends. My husband also came for a visit after being separated for 5 months.

March was a roller coaster as another visit lead us to decide divorce was what we had to do. I celebrated my 26th birthday with my awesome friend Kate (Every Mile A Memory) at Cirque and a week later, my divorce was finalized. March also marked the one year anniversary of my miscarriage.

April was something to look forward to as I came home for a mini divorce party AND went on my first cruise ever, The VH1 Best Cruise Ever. I also started a new job at a marketing company as a scheduling coordinator.

In May, we celebrated Piper's first birthday with the group and a massive storm came through and a tree fell on our house :(

In June, I made a special visit to MD/DC/VA to visit friends and attend the US Open, which was on my bucket list!

In August, a special *secret* (at the time) visitor came to Charlotte and I decided my time in North Carolina was coming to an end. I moved out of the house and in with friends for a couple weeks.

September brought a special wedding where I served as MOH for Reina from Semper Gumby. I also spent the 9.11 anniversary in Washington, DC. Several days later, after almost exactly a year in the Queen City, I moved back to Orlando, which was a tough but necessary decision. I was able to continue working for my company in Charlotte, on a fluctuating PT/FT basis.

In October, we enjoyed visiting the pumpkin patch and carving a pumpkin and I was lucky enough to go to Cabo San Lucas for a video shoot for Barcelo Resorts!

November brought one of my favorites to Orlando, The Greek Fest!

December was busier than ever with a quick couples weekend in Tampa with friends Kate & Bryan, Christmas, AND J and his sisters birthday.

What a year it has been. I'll be posting tomorrow on my reflections of 2011 and my hopes for 2012. Hope you enjoyed the pictures!!! :)

Mad Men

2011-12-27T23:22:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Netflix on our recently acquired Wii, I am now indulging in all seasons of Mad Men. I've always wanted to watch this show, but I am one who doesn't begin watching a show unless I can see it from the very beginning. Then once I start, I can't miss a single episode.

I adore this era they depict and LOVE LOVE LOVE all of the characters and the fashion. I can't wait to plow through all of the episodes.

Are any of you guys Mad Men fanatics?

Happy Christmas!

2011-12-26T14:04:00.001-05:00

I hope all of my bloggie friends and followers had a fabulous Christmas. I sure did!

This year was one of my favorite Christmases to date. It was nice having a real Christmas with J. When we were younger & Christmas came around, he and I were dunzo, so it was lame. Here's my Christmas in pictures.

Merry Christmas from Piper Annabelle!

My amazing Church for candlelight service.

5,000 Candles. This shows only half the sanctuary.

Piper checks out her stocking.

My dad & my uncles gave my grandma a new patio set!

J gets tickets from me to The Players Championship!

My 2nd cousin, Corbin

Kenzie, Corbin, & I

My last surprise present from J. What could it be?

Yay!!! A super impossible, sold out everywhere until April, Women's Tebow jersey!!!!

Family table shot

Facebook Drama

2011-12-23T00:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, Facebook. Social Media. You're both an enormous blessing and a massive, ugly curse.

Sometimes, okay...all the time, I wish we could go back to a world free of Facebook.

I'm a Facebooker who posts a status update about once a day or so. I don't document every step of every day, check in at every location, or share crazy pictures of things I snap as my day progresses. I don't play games, except for the occasional Words With Friends because J begs me to. None the less, my completely harmless, no hidden meaning Facebook statuses are causing drama. I'm not a fan of posting something about playing nurse, baking cheesecake, and drinking wine and 5 minutes later...someone's phone is ringing and someone on the other end asks said person if they've seen my status. REALLY? I mean literally, cheesecake, wine, and playing nurse constitutes a reason to bring it up in a phone conversation? Then I get to hear about it from a certain someone once the phone is hung up. REALLY?????

Nothing annoys me more than when people try to tell you how you should and should not be living your life and something as insignificant as Facebook is ridiculous. It's just not that important. I'm not into it.

SO...I did the most amazing thing in the universe and put about 80% of my friends list into an "Acquaintance" list. Now, everything I post I can choose to show them or choose not to. Drama problem solved. Love it.

Merry Christmas from Hawaii!!

2011-12-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I wish.

None the less, enjoy this awesome tune from one of my beloved favorites, Bing Crosby <3

Don't forget to link-up with Goodnight Moon too :)

Bucket List - Pinterest Version

2011-12-20T21:26:00.004-05:00

{{Follow Me!!!}}

Back to School I Go

2011-12-18T10:03:00.000-05:00

Hooray! Some of the best news came this week when my dad decided he would pay for this semester of college!

Right out of high school, he did, and I sure didn't take it seriously. So, he had reservations about doing it again and last year, I paid for it myself. I don't want to have to do that right now with loans so I am blessed my dad has agreed to help.

I will be going back to a local community college and completing my A.S. in Paralegal Studies. I was on the business and marketing track but having to complete a few more math courses is just going to slow me down. I'm ready to get this part over and think about where I'm going in the future. I love law and had I not goofed around for years after I graduated high school, I probably would have pursued a degree in Law and practiced. Le sigh. Sure, I can still do that if I really wanted, but I don't want to be in school past 30 years old. I just don't.

So, fingers crossed and yay for me that I will finish my A.S. this year and have a clear idea of where I should be.

Source of Inspiration

2011-12-15T11:31:00.004-05:00

I <3 The Fray & it's no secret I <3 Tim Tebow. What's been happening this season with the Broncos is pretty unbelievable. I'm loving every second of every naysayer, doubter, and non-believer starting to turn the tide and realize how incredible he really is. I loved this piece ESPN did on him last week and wanted to share. He really is a huge inspiration to so many people. There should be more men like him in this world.

Everybody Love Everybody

2011-12-14T00:30:00.000-05:00

Watch this and try not to cry. Try not to let it touch your heart.

You can't.

Snoops

2011-12-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more amusing to me than snoopy people running around your blog. One of the wonders of being a blogger is dealing with such people. If you have a blog, you absolutely know what I mean. At some point, you discover your ex is still sticking his nose in your biz, people from your old circles are muddling over every aspect of your life, and everything you say and do finds it's way back to you. HI-LARIOUS.

The greatest part of it all, is 9 times out of 10, people who are insanely jealous of you and/or have no life whatsoever are the ones drooling over every page and picking up their phones to start gossiping...over something that is so insignificant, but it's insanely important to them. 99.9% of these people are people you don't speak to and find fairly revolting. I find all of that super flattering.

The sad part to me is that people think you won't find out. You won't hear about it. The sad thing is they don't have the guts to ask you. They blab and blab and blab until it makes them look like fools. The hilarious thing is that most of us bloggers know better. We have trackers on our blog that tells us who is looking, where they are looking, and when they looked. They can even be as detailed as to give IP addresses and pretty specific locations to where people are located. Nothing is a secret in this day and age. Nothing.

What saddens me most is when people are so insecure in their own relationships, they think playing tricks and making up rumors is going to somehow help their case. OR when they are so miserable in their own relationships, they become jealous of others and try to do whatever they can to rip someone else's relationship apart. Really? What's even more sad is when people twice my age resort to lies and Facebook updates to attempt all of this. Sad. Sad. Sad.

My reasoning behind this is laughter. I know my fellow bloggers are laughing hysterically, nodding their heads, and agreeing with me entirely. I don't know what it is about blogging that makes all the yucky people come out of the wood works. I can't imagine having the time to search the internet for people I dislike's blogs in the first place, let alone troll the internet reading all day. Man oh man.

I've posted on this subject a few times before...even gone as far as temporarily shutting my blog down because someone felt the need to email my husband at the time about something I said. Then I realized how ridiculous some people can be and how a lot of people need to get better at getting a life. If my life is so interesting to you that you feel the need to gossip, all I can say is thank you. You're making me famous. Just like I posted the other day, there are always going to be haters, naysayers, and people trying to break you apart and bring you down. You don't stop doing what you're doing or living your life or change your plans because of these people. You feel super, super sorry for them, pray for them, and move on.

Enough said.

A Very Lilly Christmas

2011-12-12T10:10:00.000-05:00

Ever since I can remember, it has been my absolute DREAM to have a Lilly Pulitzer themed Christmas tree. Every year I think it's going to happen and it doesn't. Sigh. Next year IS the year right?

Anyway, here are some amazing finds for my Lilly tree whenever it may happen. Do you guys have a dream theme for your Christmas tree?

This is precisely why I must have a girl. I would love for her to wake up to this one Christmas morning in her room!

Amen!

2011-12-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

Self Worth

2011-12-10T00:20:00.000-05:00

This may end up a rant. It may end up a letter. It may end up meaning nothing, or it could mean something to someone. So, here I go.

It has taken me years, lots and lots of tears, abusive relationships, manipulative people, and lots and lots of hurt to realize my worth. I remember a very long time ago when the face I saw staring back at me, wasn't pretty. When the boyfriend I had telling me I would never do better than him seemed believable. When the husband who put his hands on me tried to convince me he loved me.

Why am I saying this? Because I know someone somewhere out there is reading this and wondering what they are worth. Wondering if they are good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or deserving enough. YOU ARE!

Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws, even that gorgeous guy on the cover of GQ has issues, so do you. BUT there is someone who will come along one day and love you for all of your imperfections. I know I am a romantic at heart, but I believe this with all of my soul. Relationships are never easy and yes, they do take lots of work, but you should never spend a tear on someone who isn't there to dry it for you. Seriously.

It's just not worth it.

People who aren't in your life to encourage you, uplift you, make you a better person, and walk with you on your journey...shouldn't be there. Don't allow them to be. Furthermore, don't allow people who have nothing but negativity, drama, and hurt to enter your life in any realm.

There are always going to be haters, naysayers, people who are jealous, people who fear you, people who want what you have, and people who try to knock you down. Don't let them win. Don't give them an ounce of your energy. Feel sorry for them. Pray for them. Move on.

Don't waste your time thinking you can change someone. Trust me. It never happens. Sure, people change and you should celebrate them when they do, but they have to find it within themselves. You can't do it for them.

You can't make someone love you, no matter how hard you try. No amount of extra makeup, new clothes, sexy lingerie, or home cooked meal will change that. This is one of the hardest things in life to accept. Someone either loves you or they don't. If they do, you'll know it. It won't be a secret and they'll make you feel it deep inside your soul. If they don't, you owe it to yourself to pick up the pieces, move on, love yourself, and wait for the right person to prove to you how much they love you.

Tough.

Sometimes your family lets you down. Sometimes your family doesn't act like family. Sometimes your friends are your family. This is okay. We don't choose our families. We can choose to keep them at a distance if they don't respect our boundaries and love us unconditionally.

Boundaries. My favorite word. Establish them. Use them. Stick to them. Standards are different than boundaries. Boundaries are lines that can't be crossed like, "I will not stay in a relationship with someone if he raises his voice to me" or "I will leave a relationship the first time he raises a hand to me" or "I will not accept anyone speaking to me negatively without apology." Boundaries are GREAT. Seriously, one of life's greatest gifts. They empower you. They make you stand up for what you believe in. They protect you.

Sometimes you may feel all alone or like nobody loves you. I have felt that way and I'm sure all of us have. The truth is God loves you. He really does and that love is unfailing. He will never let you down, never raise his voice to you, never call you a bad name, never raise a hand to you, and never take you for granted. There is no greater love than that and when I feel alone, I'm comforted knowing that no matter what, I have Him on my side, in my corner, fighting for me.

You don't have regrets. You have lessons. Use everything you've been through to teach you something. In every loss, there is something new. Use what you've learned and what you've been through to teach other people. We all have something to learn from one another.

Don't judge. This is hard to do. It comes natural to a lot of us, but it is so very wrong. You never know when you could be walking in that persons shoes. You just never, ever know.

Friday Fancies - Holiday Party

2011-12-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

There's nothing better than when you can pair a $95 dress with $24,000 diamond earrings ;-) It's time for another Friday Fancies! This week's mission was to come up with an ensemble for a holiday party. Here's what I would wear to a fancy soiree.

Friday Fancies - Holiday Party by shanstinson featuring evening bags

TopShop body conscious dress
$95 - topshop.com

Jimmy Choo stiletto high heels
£499 - farfetch.com

Evening bag
$30 - amazon.com

Star jewelry
$24,400 - kwiat.com

Yves Saint Laurent Rouge Pur Couture Pure Color Lipstick Spf 15
$30 - bergdorfgoodman.com

Cartier DéLices De Cartier Parfum/1 Oz.
$170 - saksfifthavenue.com

Dior New Dior Vernis Nail Lacquer
$22 - lordandtaylor.com

Hell on Heels

2011-12-08T09:35:00.000-05:00

My Thursday song for Goodnight Moon's link-up is "Hell On Heels" by Pistol Annies. I had no idea this group even existed, let alone that Miranda Lambert was in it. I saw them perform this on some country music awards show this week and fell in love. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

GB2!

2011-12-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

So how about my Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow? We are leading the AFC West right now. Who would have thought? I love hearing all of the commentators on ESPN in shock and awe at what we have been able to do. All the haters and naysayers are slowly being silenced. WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE!

GO BRONCOS!

Tampa Trip!

2011-12-06T09:20:00.001-05:00

This past weekend J and I drove down to Tampa for the weekend to hang out with my friends Kate (Every Mile A Memory) & Bryan. They are currently on a tour for Coke Zero and one of their stops was for the USF & Tampa Bay Bucs football games. Thursday, I ended up working with them extra hard, dripping in sweat, and hating life the next morning. Sarcasm. Anyway, it was super fun to see them again after a few months apart and the weather in Tampa was GORGEOUS!

Here's a few pics from the weekend and I'll update once I get more from Kate's camera.

Working hard @ Raymond James

Clearwater Beach. J had never been before and I just LOVE it.

Laughing hysterically that he's taking like 5 pictures one after the other.

My favorite picture of him EVER!

Aren't we adorbs???

There's a picture like this from 7 years ago in the exact same position. Must find and post!

Group shot!

My Thursday Song, Twilight Style

2011-12-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

Twihard I am not. I haven't even seen the entire original movie, but when I first heard this on the radio last week, it reminded me of Twilight. Sure enough, it's from the new soundtrack. It's such a pretty song and one I can relate to entirely.

Heartbeats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

Quick to Judge

2011-11-30T16:33:00.001-05:00

One thing bothering me lately, is how people are so quick to judge other people's circumstances. I'm not saying I have never, but I try to be so careful about judging others relationships, choices, etc.

For one, nobody needs to tell me what I SHOULD be doing. Where I SHOULD be right now. What I SHOULD have done. Including me.

I spent 4 hours at my college the other day as I am enrolling back in school to finish my A.S. in January. I ended up in a mental health counselor's office for over an hour crying my eyes out in frustration and exhaustion. This week has been a tough one, for reasons I don't feel like explaining right now. This counselor told me I needed to stop "Shoulding on myself." Pretty interesting concept. Who says I should have my degree by now? Who says I should be making $45,000 a year? Who says I should be over my miscarriage by now? Who makes these rules? Where is the grand book that says I should? Furthermore, nobody else should be shoulding on me either.

I am honestly sick and tired of people not understanding my miscarriage still hurts. Naturally, the people making the ugly comments are people who have never had a miscarriage themselves or been a part of that loss. "Hurry up and get over it why don't you. It's been almost 2 years now. I mean really Shannon?" Excuse me, but losing my baby was the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced both physically and emotionally. Do people understand what it's like to be elated with your pregnancy, feeling your baby is safe inside of you, only to watch your body bleed massively and reject your baby knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to save it? REALLY? Excuse me for not being over it already.

I will never be over it. I will carry it with me forever. The pain has lessened gradually, but there are still days I cry or wish it would have never happened. If people can't deal with that, they don't need to be a part of my life. Plain and simple. I need people around me who may not fully understand, but who accept, love, and support.

And don't try to tell me how miserable my life would be right now if I had my baby. HOW THE EFF DO YOU KNOW? Would it be desirable to be a single parent? Nope. Do people do it all the time and make it work? Yep. So, don't tell me you know what's best for me.

Thanks.

PRAY: Heavy Burdens

2011-11-26T00:11:00.001-05:00

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." ~ Matthew 11:28-29

The Ex Factor

2011-11-25T11:45:00.001-05:00

You know, I have to say...I'm a pretty confident person. I don't have self esteem issues, I know my self-worth, and I know what I deserve. If someone I'm with isn't going to realize that and doesn't appreciate me, I don't need them in my life. I say this, because I am not someone who is easily jealous. I don't feel the desire to go through call histories, ask who is calling, and know every detail of what's going on at all times. Perhaps that will someday bite me, but for now...it is what it is.

BUT...

One thing that is super exhausting is something I call "The Ex Factor." This translates to someone talking about a certain kitchen device and the person you are dating saying "Oh yea, I got that for my ex (insert name here)." Happy to know. I mention I drink more than my guy, but don't get drunk or anything and someone from the family goes "Hopefully not as bad as (insert SAME exes name here)?" Thanks for that. Finally, guy I'm seeing has a medical issue and someone chimes in, "Well remember when (INSERT SAME EXES NAME HERE) used to sprinkle that stuff on your food to help you?" A R E Y O U K I D D I N G M E?????????????

Is it wrong for me to be entirely exhausted by all of this? This was just in one day, in a matter of a few hours. Is it really necessary to bring up an ex girlfriend THREE EFFING TIMES IN ONE DAY? Granted, only one of those times was guys fault, but I'm literally to the point I can't take it anymore. An ex is an ex for a reason. They are gone (or should be) out of your life and not a part of your current relationship. We all have pasts, we all aren't stupid, but I'm a huge believer in not letting the past affect your future. Easier said than done sometimes, but in this situation, it happens more often than it should. I am just in a place in my life where I'm not interested in being in a relationship that isn't 1000% good for me in every way. Not perfect, but positive and forward progressing.

I didn't mention anything to guy because the last thing we needed at that present time was another argument (we had just come off a big heater). So here I am, venting on my blog and wondering what the hell to do about the sitch. Maybe it's not a big deal. Maybe it is. HELP!!!???

How would you guys handle this?

So Much to Be Thankful For

2011-11-24T17:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I hope all of you are counting your many blessings, giving thanks for those around you, and praying for those who need encouragement. For those who are away from family and friends due to deployment, my thoughts and prayers are with you today and everyday.

Today is a Thursday, which also means it's time to pick a song for Goodnight Moon's link-up. I stumbled across something beautiful from Josh Groban below.

I have new mixed feelings about this day. As many of you know, in 2010 when I found out I was pregnant, Thanksgiving Day was my due date. On that day last year, my cousin and his wife announced their pregnancy with their second child. It was traumatic. This year, I should be celebrating a one year old birthday. Sometimes, I'd give anything to turn back the hands of time and create a different outcome. Unfortunately, it's out of my hands and in God's. All I can do is pray, give God the desires of my heart, and hope He someday answers.

This year, I'll be sharing the holiday with Romeo's dad and girlfriend, sister and FH, and their family and friends.

It wouldn't be proper without sharing a few things I'm thankful for, so check out my V-Blog!

Somedays, we forget to look around us,
Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,
so caught up inside ourselves,
we take when we should give,
so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and on this day we hope for,
what we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
look beyond ourselves,
there's so much sorrow,
it's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow
each of us must find our truth,
it's so long overdue,

so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and everyday, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
even with our differences,
there is a place were all connected,
each of us can find each others light,
So for tonight, we pray for
what we know can be,
and on this day, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though this world can still do so much more
there's so much to be thankful for.

Update on Life Number 47291

2011-11-22T19:54:00.001-05:00

Wow. So where to begin?

Honestly, not a lot has changed. I'm still searching for a job which is miserably frustrating. I knew this was ahead of me when coming to Orlando and all I can say is I am so thankful God has enabled me to somehow stay afloat. I do not use credit cards, so I've managed to keep it together while being basically unemployed for the past almost 2 months. Granted, for the first 2 weeks, I was still working from home for my old company and they have since asked me to help out here and there. Thankful for that. I also worked at the IAAPA convention last week which was such a blessing. I've been applying for jobs in Orlando for almost 3 months now, with not as much as one single phone call or email response back. It's crazy. I'm either not qualified enough or over qualified. I have LOTS of business and office experience, yet can't even get a simple secretary or receptionist position because they've "decided to pursue other candidates." Interesting. Tonight, I did receive a break after learning the secretary at a friends' law firm gave her notice. It would be somewhat of a commute for me, but working for his firm would prove to be a great experience for me, could open more doors, and would be amazingly secure. ((SAY PRAYERS PLEASE!!!)) I am turning my focus to law and plan on changing my major (for the 15th time) to Paralegal. I'd have all next year in school and be done and could always finish my A.S. in Business later. Having a Paralegal degree is not a requirement, but gives me a competitive advantage over others who may have some to no prior law experience. Not to mention, it lends itself to a pretty favorable salary for having a minor degree.

Romeo and I are doing great. We've pretty well settled into sharing day to day life together, though every day is an opportunity to learn something new. I still have personal fears to overcome and I'm hoping with time and my therapists help, those will be eradicated eventually. We still have a few hurdles to clear, but there is nothing I can do to clear them. Some big changes are up ahead, which I learned about tonight, and I'm super anxious and nervous about them. I won't talk about them yet and probably not for many months to come, but whatever the outcome, I pray it's what Romeo needs and is a step in the right direction.

Thursday is Thanksgiving, which was also my due date with Baby P. It will be a tough day, but I have decided to celebrate Baby P's "Heaven Day" as opposed to their expected due date. I have full faith my little one went to be with Jesus when he or she left my body. It is painful, more than one can imagine, but it is also to be celebrated. I will do something on Thanksgiving to remember the baby and anyone with ideas, please pass them along.

I mustered the courage to write Romeo a letter explaining all of the above about losing the baby. He obviously wasn't in my life while I was married and experiencing all of that pain and had never experienced something like that before. So, one night I stayed up until 2:30 writing a 4 page letter conveying what a hole in my heart it has left and precisely why. It was also brought to my attention by both my mom and my dad's wife that I frequently left the door open for DC when speaking to Romeo. I did this mainly out of fear and uncertainty but realized it wasn't fair of me to expect him to commit to me when I wasn't showing commitment on my end. So, I included several paragraphs about my fears, my feelings, and that if he wanted me, I'd be there. I'd make the sacrifice because I love him that much. Scary, but true and hopefully worth the risk.

Anyway, I am off to finish watching the GOP debate and hit the sack. Thanks for listening!

The Great Ring Debate

2011-11-21T11:59:00.001-05:00

Okay, so this is one of those blog entries of mine that requires a disclaimer and a reminder...that this is my blog and my beliefs on life. You don't have to agree, but you don't need to get offended or feel the need to go bananas on me. Thanks ;-)

So for a few weeks now, I've been pondering addressing this topic on my blog. Then, an article popped up on The Today Show about a woman who lost her $10,000 engagement ring and her fiancee went through hell and high water to find it...and did. Awesome story, yet people had to leave absurd and offensive comments about the cost of her ring and how outrageous it was. My mouth kinda dropped.

First, there have been and will be many, many more rings costing quite a bit more than $10,000 bought in this world. Personally, I thought it was an about average price, give or take. Second, who are you to make comments on how little or how much someone chooses to spend on THEIR engagement ring? It's not yours. To me, it was envy from those who weren't in a position to receive a ring costing that much. Kinda sad, but I realize that green bug of envy bites us all at times. None the less, the cost of the ring was pulling people away from the meaning of the story. How horrible that she lost the ring in the first place (I would be DEVASTATED) and how romantic that he searched high and low and found it for her. Plain and simple, an awesome, loving story.

So, how is this blog entry supposed to get your panties in a wad? Here ya go...

It's no secret weddings, rings, and everything in between have been a big deal in my life for as long as I can remember. I was that girl with the bridal magazines and The Knot account in middle school. I was picking out my china and bridesmaids dresses in high school. Seriously. I know. It's no surprise when I got older, I wanted to plan weddings and events, so I did for 3 years. When I got married, I had no pomp and circumstance, no dream ring (or even close), or anything resembling what I had dreamed of. Except perhaps the man I thought I'd be spending forever with. So, even with (or without) all of that my feelings have probably gotten worse and my inner bridezilla is bound to rear it's ugly head on the next love of my life. Heaven help him.

One of the things I'm most passionate about are engagement rings. I mean like seriously passionate. I am not a jewelry kinda gal. I don't wear earrings everyday and don't really own expensive pieces of jewelry. I don't believe in wearing more than one ring at a time, a tennis bracelet isn't really my thing, and I'm not even huge on watches. So naturally, I put a TON of weight on an engagement ring. For me, I will wear it everyday of my life for all eternity. I know some people eventually take it off and just wear their band, not me. I do not want an anniversary ring in 10, 20, or 30 years. I want my one ring forever. I do not want an upgrade. The ring put on my finger during a proposal and our vows, is the one I want for good.

To me, it's an investment. A multi-faceted and complex one. If a man proposed to you with a $25 ring from the flea market, he wouldn't be out much if he decided he changed his mind. To me, it also doesn't seem like he gave it much thought either. (No offense to anyone who prefers that method) Deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone is a huge decision and in turn, the method of committing to that with a diamond can be pretty costly too. Now before people start thinking I equate love with money, I do not. I realize someone can spend 2 million on a ring and be divorced in a matter of weeks. I also realize a $500 ring can be just as beautiful and hold as much meaning as a $50,000 one. BUT...I am old fashioned and also feel that an engagement ring is a symbol of stature and dedication. For me, when I look down at my hand (well, not currently) I want to see something that I know my fiancee worked his butt off to pay for. I want to see it on my hand everyday and go "Wow. He worked so hard to give this to me. I am SO lucky." On the flip, I don't want to be in debt for the next 10 years over it either. I would much rather wait a few years to be engaged and get the ring of my dreams, then settle for something that's really not me.

I know some of the things I've said are probably shocking. Believe me, I had this debate time and time again with my ex husband and his buddies who thought I was ridiculous. Yes, I have expensive taste. I know. I'm spoiled. I'll admit that too. For me, it's the one thing in life I want to be a stinker about. Cars? Meh. House? I can deal if I have to. My ring, no question. Again, I'm someone who wants the one ring and only that ring forever.

I totally understand not everyone has the same sentiments as I in regards to engagement rings. For some, it's merely another piece of jewelry. Just like some people would rather save the money spent on a lavish wedding for a down payment on a home. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong. What I can't stand is people who judge other people for spending X amount on a ring of their choice. If one of my friends were engaged with a $25 flea market ring and she was absolutely in love with it, I'd be happy for her. If another friend got some whopping $50,000 engagement ring, I might be a tinge jealous but I certainly wouldn't question why her fiancee decided to spend that much. That's HIS decision.

I know when my time comes, I'll be happy with what my fiancee decides. For one, I know he will know me inside and out and he'll know what my engagement ring will mean to me. For everyone else, as long as YOU are happy, that is all that matters.

Bye Bye Julie

2011-11-14T09:14:00.001-05:00

Next week, Romeo's sister moves to the ATL. Tragic. My sister from another Mr. will be MIA. Right after I move back home, she's gone. I do have to say, she was able to extend her stay a few extra weeks which provided us some good bonding time :)

Anyway, this past weekend was her farewell party and luncheon with family and friends. On Saturday night, our old crew got together at a chocolate factory called Farris & Fosters. You can make your own chocolates for around $20/lb. They provide all the fixins like strawberries, sprinkles, coconut, truffle shells and fillings, pretzels, cookies, nuts, and more. It's always a blast. Then on Sunday, the family and close friends got together at Buca di Beppo for an amazingly yummy lunch. We were STUFFED. Here are some pictures from the fabulous weekend.

Veterans Day

2011-11-11T09:41:00.001-05:00

Today is the day to honor all of those who have served our great nation. To those who take a vow to fight and defend. To face enemies foreign and domestic. Those who make this world a better, safer place.

I am thankful for my ex husbands sacrifice, both grandfathers, Romeo's dad, my countless friends who are currently serving, and all the others who have stepped up and done what few can do. Today is your day. Thank you for all you've done and continue to do.

Thank you to the families who also stand by and sacrifice as well. When someone answers the call, their family does as well. It's tough and shouldn't go unnoticed.

Happy Veterans Day!

My Thursday Song

2011-11-10T07:42:00.000-05:00

Spotify has to be the most brillz invention EVER and thanks to it, I have been listening to the new Lady A album. This song is just gorgeous.

((Link up with Goodnight Moon))

My Christmas Wish List

2011-11-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

In my family, we have a tradition. It started when we were young and we'd all get together (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and head to Toys 'R Us where we'd show our grandma everything we wanted for Christmas. Seriously, some of the greatest memories ever. My grandma, pen in hand, would run after us as we ran all over the store drooling over the latest Barbie's and board games. Obviously, this stopped once we got to the pre-teen years and regular old list exchanges ensued. Each year, we gather for some sort of brunch or dinner, exchange wish lists, and receive very generous checks from our grandmother. Christmas is HUGE in my family and I love it that way.

((And yes, I know Christmas isn't about gifts))

Anyway, we got together a couple days ago and did our exchange. This year, my grandma's wish was for us to all get together and go to Magic Kingdom. YIPPIE!!! You don't have to ask me twice to go to Disney. I love it! So, in addition to our awesome checks, she gave both Romeo and I gift cards to cover the cost of our Disney tickets. So nice! It was super nice of her to include Romeo and I can't wait for us all to spend time together as a family at Disney.

Now...for the list.

Disclaimer. No. I do not want or expect to get everything on my list. I ~~like~~ LOVE to be surprised. I normally get one big thing from my grandma and one big thing from my dad. Now, Romeo is in the picture, so I have to give lots of various options. Don't think I'm a snooty, greedy girl when I reveal some of my wishes. After all, they are just wishes :)

I've wanted this necklace since FOREVER. Swarovski Alana Heart Pendant

Chanel Allure Eau de Toilette

Chanel Nail Polish in Coco Blue

Fan di Fendi Perfume

Gridiron Belles: A Guide to Saturdays in Dixie

Little Harbor in Coral/Black by Costa del Mar

Tebow jersey!!!

Desperately need a new Lilly Pulitzer koozie

Prada sunglasses

Jason Aldean Tickets

Tiffany & Co. Somerset Sunglasses

Where Soldiers Come From

2011-11-08T15:14:00.000-05:00

From a snowy, small town in northern Michigan to the mountains of Afghanistan, Where Soldiers Come From follows the four-year journey of childhood friends who join the National Guard after graduating from high school. As it chronicles the young men’s transformation from restless teenagers to soldiers looking for roadside bombs to 23-year-old combat veterans trying to start their lives again, the film offers an intimate look at the young Americans who fight our wars, the families and towns they come from — and the way one faraway conflict changes everything. A co-production of Quincy Hill Films and ITVS in association with American Documentary | POV, with funds provided by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. (90 minutes)

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Don't miss this incredible documentary airing this week on PBS. Be sure to check your local listings for specific dates and times. In addition, you can view it online November 11th-December 11th @ pbs.org/pov.

My Concert List

2011-11-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

I've seen several bloggers who have an ongoing list of concerts they've been to. I've been trying to re-compile mine for MONTHS now and every time I think I have it down, I realize I'm forgetting lots more. For now, here goes. Have you guys seen any of these bands too?

New Kids on the Block

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill x3

Rascal Flatts

LFO

Britney Spears

NSYNC and Puffdaddy
Incubus

Lifehouse
Darius Rucker
Lenny Kravitz
Mark Wills
Howie Day

The Script

Ben Rector

Matt Wertz

Mat Kearney

Train

Counting Crows and LIVE
Gavin Degraw

Keith Urban
Colin Raye
Nelly Furtado
Kenny Chesney
Jason Mraz
O.A.R.
Tristan Prettyman

Lisa Marie Presley

Casting Crowns

Michael W. Smith
Journey
Luke Bryan
The Band Perry
Night Ranger
Foreigner

Who I WANT To See
Carrie Underwood
Brad Paisley
Jimmy Buffet
Lady Antebellum
James Morrison
Lil Wayne
Jason Aldean
Phil Collins
Reba

Scentsy Time!

2011-11-07T07:58:00.000-05:00

A brand new month and a brand new warmer and scent from Scentsy!

For the month of November, "Plum Garland" is 10% off as well as the fragrance "Midnight Fig."
Take a peek...

We had our brand new catalog launch back in September and it's chock full of some pretty amazing new warmers and scents like this one called "Snapshot." You get to personalize your warmer with an adorable picture of someone you love. Makes an amazing and thoughtful gift!

If you've never tried Scentsy, now is the time! You can host an online or in person party and earn lots of free goodies and half price items with ease. If you're interested in hosting or just curious what Scentsy is all about, feel free to comment or send me an email at ShanStinson@yahoo.com. I also have lots of videos on YouTube explaining how Scentsy works and giving the lowdown on all of our products. ((Click Here))

Lastly, when you buy Scentsy products, not only are you getting a 100% guarantee, you're supporting someone's personal business. It could be a stay at home mom, someone unemployed (like me!), or someone trying to earn some extra income to save for a dream vacation. It is SO appreciated.

If you're interested in shopping from my store, visit: http://scentswithshan.scentsy.us.

Right to Die

2011-11-06T10:40:00.001-05:00

There has been a lot of talk lately about right to die issues and it's been something on my mind for quite a while.

First, I am a Christian and one of the hardest things about this topic is that God is the one who is supposed to give life and take it away. Nobody else. However, some people argue that God wouldn't want us to suffer, nor did God consider all of the medical advancements we would have back in Bible times.

Second, I am super passionate about this topic after watching my aunt suffer as she did with her cancer. My grandmother suffered too when she had her lung and brain cancer, but she was just different. My aunt was unrecognizable. Her head had swollen at least 3 times in size. She couldn't breathe because the tumor was pressing on her nasal cavity. She was bed ridden. Needed help using the bathroom or was forced to use adult diapers. She didn't feel like eating. She was ready to go home. The chemo and radiation did NOTHING but prolong her death and weaken her even further.

I was inspired to write this post after watching an episode of Dr. Oz that was on late last week. Montel Williams was the main guest and naturally, I had to stop and watch, knowing he would be speaking about the MS he suffers with. (For those who don't know, my now ex husband was diagnosed prior to our split) He spoke about the pain he endures on a daily basis. There is no cure for MS, only things to attempt to improve your quality of life. Most cases are progressive and in a matter of months or years, your life can change dramatically. He said if he ever had another period in time where his pain level was a 10, he would absolutely want the option to end his own life. He made mention of someone he met who said their father was dying in the hospital and the last memories they have of him were him SCREAMING in pain for days upon days until he finally died. It's not right.

In the same episode, Dr. Keith Ablow stands on the side of doctors and the Hippocratic oath, which states doctors are not to administer drugs to end life or cause harm to a patient. He felt that even people in pain who are dying have a duty and purpose to others, to inspire them to live and keep fighting. While that's all fine and dandy, I don't think someone should be expected to do such a thing. It's not someone's DUTY to be an inspiration. They should have a choice. Which is the basis of the whole debate.

For me, I was raised with my mom being very open about death, dying, and end of life. She has a DNR and a living will that is very strict. She absolutely does not want chemo or radiation if she is in final stages of cancer. I agree entirely. I do not want to be suffering from stage four cancer and having to endure those horrendous treatments. I know I have something wonderful waiting for me on the other side and I am not fearful of death in that way.

One of the most important things you can do is create a living will, no matter what your age. If you cannot afford to contact an attorney to do one for you, contact your local Hospice as they have a document provided for free that is legal in most states called "Five Wishes."

"The Five Wishes document helps you express how you want to be treated if you are seriously ill and unable to speak for yourself. It is unique among all other living will and health agent forms because it looks to all of a person's needs: medical, personal, emotional and spiritual. Five Wishes also encourages discussing your wishes with your family and physician."

It is also important to appoint someone you trust who can be your voice should something happen to you. Someone who will honor your wishes and be able to handle tough end of life and treatment decisions without involving emotion. Sometimes the burden is too much for spouses and immediate family members, so take some time to find the right person, speak to them about it, and check that off your list.

All in all, I want to die with dignity. I do not want to suffer, be in massive pain, and be counting the days, minutes, and seconds until my death. I am 100% for Death with Dignity as long as it is done properly and with all options and outlooks being presented to the person. As others have said, we allow our animals to die with dignity, why not ourselves?

If you want to watch some of the Dr. Oz show, click here.
If you'd like more information on Death With Dignity, click here.