Day 27 - Infertility Awareness

I am catching up on entries because I was SLAMMED with cramming for finals this past week. Thanks for being patient with me guys!

I shared on Day 7 a little about my infertility journey, not knowing National Infertility Awareness Week was right around the corner. Though I missed out on sharing this with you guys during the event, I stumbled across a campaign from Redbook called "Truth About Trying." They have many celebrities who have uploaded their personal videos and accounts about their infertility struggles and encourage others to upload their own. So, loving the video camera as much as I do, I decided to upload my own testimony as well. If you're struggling with it yourself, I encourage you to watch my video testimony and upload yours as well. We can't erase the stigma behind it while hiding. Infertility has affected my life in a BIG way, but I refuse to let it take over my life and consume me. Where there is a will, there is a way.

*Just a warning I talk about some things in relation to the female body and its processes*

Day 26 - My First Car

My first car was this beaut right here.

A 1996 Honda Accord. Gosh, I feel so old.

My mom loves her Hondas something serious and has never owned (since I've been around) anything else. Now I drive one too, but in between I owned a Chevy and a couple BMW's. Not her, she's a strictly Honda girl. Anyway, I inherited this baby from my mom and no, it wasn't given to me. If I remember correctly, I had to give my mom $3,000 and my dad had to chip in the other $3,000. She took crazy good care of it, so it was like new and had all of the amenities. Leather seats, sun roof, alloy wheels, the whole thing. I started driving in 2001, so it was just five years old. AMAZING! Of course back then I thought it was ghastly and was embarrassed to be riding around in it. Crazy. Anyway, I decked this thing out with Roxy stickers and tacky pink princess seat covers, steering wheel covers, and even had the annoying pink hearts hanging from the rearview. Barf.

It met it's demise when I was happily traveling to New Smyrna Beach with my bestie at the time during our first year of college spring break. I had just found out my long time boyfriend had been cheating on me with one of my other best friends. I was traumatized and needed some time at the beach to clear my head. We were blaring Britney Spears with the sunroof down on a two lane highway. Cruising along and enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. We had dotted lines (meaning we could legally pass) and a super slow VW Bug was in front of us, so I went to pass. As soon as I did this, they sped up like crazy and the car behind me moved into where I was. I was trapped. A semi was coming straight for us on the horizon in the oncoming lane and I had nowhere to go.

Y'all, my life seriously flashed before my eyes.

We spun several times, fish tailed a few more, and landed in a watery revene off the highway. As soon as I saw all of the muddy water come rushing over the front windshield, I knew for certain we had landed in a pond. I was FREAKED out of my mind. Crashing into a body of water has always been one of my biggest fears. Thankfully, it wasn't the case and we climbed out of my sunroof to safety. None of us were hurt, though my friend was going bananas. The semi kept going and the VW stopped for a brief minute and sped off. Naturally.

Looking back, it was seriously a God thing. You have no idea. There must have been INCHES between the front of that semi going full speed and us. The highway patrol even said it was a miracle we didn't flip or hit any electric poles lining the road.

The car despite lots of mud and grass looked perfectly fine, but water had crept up in the engine and completely flooded it out. She was dunzo. So not only did my boyfriend of 3.5 years cheat on me, but I got into a car accident and totaled my car too. Talk about sucky life. I was miserable, depressed and without transportation. Eventually, I scraped some money together from the insurance company check and got this awful beast...

...but that's a story for another day ;)

Day 25 - A Painted Memory

One of my biggest struggles in my dating life has been the act of reciprocation. I can't tell you how many times I've done considerate, sweet, thoughtful things for someone and they almost never get reciprocated. It's one of the most annoying and exhausting things. Back in 2008-ish, I was finally in a shockingly satisfying relationship where this wasn't an issue.

I was traveling at the time on my tour manager gig, just as our relationship started. So naturally, he accompanied me on a few of the pit stops along the way. He was from upstate NY and spent his summers working there and lucky for me, one of my stops was right where he was! Totally random coincidence. Somehow it ended up working out that one of us flew to see each other every couple weeks in various spots. I fully believe this relationship prepared me for my marriage with M for a few reasons. One, coping with long distance...even if it was only for a few weeks at a time. Two, it helped me become a pro at sending care packages. I LOVED this about our relationship. I would pack boxes with cute cards, candy, and other fun things and he'd send me local candies, sweet letters, and these awesome paintings...

The one on the left is Mt. St. Helens, a place we visited together on his trip out to see me on tour in Portland. We drove for hours upon hours to get there and when we did, it was partially covered by fog and clouds. We were super bummed, but it was an awesome journey where we stopped and took some incredible pictures along the way. The one on the right is Taughannock Falls in Ithaca. It was a place he frequented a lot with his family growing up in the area and a place we stopped when I came and visited him upstate. What I love even more are the sweet little messages on the back, but some things must remain private ;) 

Once I got married, I was told to get rid of anything having to do with ex-boyfriends, so these were a casualty of that. Fortunately for me, my dad's wife saved them and surprised me with them when I moved back home recently. I had always been kinda bummed they were gone and wished I still had them around. They are great memories of a great relationship, great travels, and a thoughtful person. I love little memories like this! <3

Day 24 - Music to My Ears

I'm obsessed with music. I'm obsessed with finding the right song for the right situation in my life (if you haven't already noticed). All of this comes to a climax when I attend a concert. It's one of my favorite things to do. I can't imagine not loving concerts, though some of my exes disliked them immensely. I can say now without hesitation, if you don't like concerts we aren't going to work.

My very first concert was none other than New Kids on the Block. I had a mad obsession with Jordan. Didn't everyone else love Joey? The Biebs of our time. I had all of the dolls, the stage, the clothes, the bath towel, the rug, probably even underwear if they made it. Insanity.

I've seen Tim & Faith together twice. Add Tim by himself another time.

Incubus back when I was obsessed with beachy tunes and dating my surfer high school boyfriend.

Counting Crows and LIVE, which was one giant marijuana cloud.

Rascal Flatts with J. Naturally.

Keith Urban.

Took a cruise and saw The Script, Colbie Caillat, Lifehouse, Matt Wertz, Mat Kearney, & more.

Journey, Night Ranger, and Foreigner will go down in history as the most epic concert ever.

Kenny Chesney was a dream come true.

A Band Perry. Amaze.

Luke Bryan. Sexy.

LFO. Remember that Abercrombie and Fitch song!?!

Lisa Marie Presley. Her ring was ginormous.

You can see my entire list (that I can remember) here.

One thing I hate about Orlando is we don't have a good outdoor music venue. In Charlotte and in DC, we had Verizon amphitheaters. There's nothing better than cheap lawn seats and expensive beers. Even better are cheap lawn seats that turn into real seats right by the stage. Awesomeness.

Day 23 - My Wedding Day

I don't know what to think or feel when I look at these pictures, but it's important I share them. I see a girl who had so much hope and a guy who who was madly in love. Sigh. My wedding day.

Everyone knows our relationship wasn't conventional and I've said it a million times, but our wedding day wasn't either. I had spent my whole life dreaming of the dress, the china pattern, the location, the music, the food, everything. Then, I married a military man. All of that went right out the window. We decided to get married as opposed to living halfway across the country from each other, he in Texas and I in DC. So, we tried our best to come up with an inexpensive location and throw everything together within a month of his return from Iraq. We decided we were getting married long before that, but planning everything after his return home and from a distance was somewhat stressful. We weren't involving our families and I didn't have much financially to contribute, so we were on a limited budget. We used my grandmother's engagement ring and purchased wedding bands (I still love mine and only recently stopped wearing it). We decided to have a reception of sorts, but the night before in a cute little house my best friend found outside where we grew up. I cooked everything (Italian of course!), my local florist friend provided my bouquet and all the flowers for free, I rented all the linens from my favorite linen place, and one of my rental friends provided all of the chairs and tables at a crazy discount. One of the perks of having worked in the wedding industry. It was a beautiful night and I'm still insanely thankful to the friends who came out to support us. And for those of you wondering why parents weren't involved, it would have been too much of a show instead of what the day was really about to us. Plus, we planned on having a big wedding once he was out of the military and wanted them to experience that instead.

After the party, we headed to a local bar in the town we grew up to spend some time with our friends and have a few congratulatory drinks. We crashed at my moms that night, the old "don't see her before the wedding day" rule was clearly out the window. The next morning we woke up, picked up his brother (as his witness) and met my best friend, her husband, and their daughter at the courthouse to get hitched. It was New Years Eve. It was important to me to get married in Winter Park, the town where we met and went to high school together. So, early in the morning we said our vows in a tiny room with a couple people present. I didn't expect it, but I bawled like a baby and can hardly remember what was said. My best friends husband took video and I never saw it. I'm glad I didn't. It would probably be the most painful thing I ever had to see. Anyway, we went to a local well known diner for breakfast, said our goodbyes to everyone, and went back to my moms house to head to our mini honeymoon. It felt so good to be married. That's a feeling I will never forget.

Then, it all kinda went downhill. Fast. Long story short, M checked his bank account right before we headed out and nothing was there. NOTHING. His entire bank account had been practically drained by someone in his family. ON OUR WEDDING DAY. It was clearly done out of spite and thus my new husband left me to attempt to clear up this issue, on our wedding day. I knew how upset and hurt he must be so I was as calm and cool as a cucumber. Seriously. We spent much of the day then hopping from police station to police station and spent many hours at banks trying to get it all sorted out. Later that night we finally got to our honeymoon destination, an awesome resort in the touristy area of Orlando. We loved it. We watched the New Years fireworks from our hotel room, rang in the new year as husband and wife with Carson Daly, and passed out. What a day.

Looking back, it's weird. My life has changed so much. I'm not the same person anymore. I look at the pictures and it makes me insanely sad, but I also don't recognize those people. At times it feels like I was never married at all, it's so unreal. Then, at times I wish things were different. I wish our divorce had never happened. I wish we were happily married and raising a family. The fact is it wasn't ever going to happen that way. I don't regret being married. I don't regret being married to him. I don't regret the way we chose to do things. It's another story of my life, a memory to have and to share, and a huge reason I am who I am today. Being married to him helped me find my purpose, my mission, and for that...it was all worth it.

Day 22 - Kids & Grief

One of the most rewarding experiences of my life was when I was a volunteer grief facilitator for children in Orlando. We have an amazing organization here called New Hope for Kids. Their mission is to provide support groups for families affected by loss while also providing a place for kids to express their grief through play. It's absolutely fascinating to watch. New Hope's Center for Grieving Children is in an old two story house where each room is comfy and cozy but also very functional.

Each night, all of us volunteers would meet in a closed room and center ourselves. We'd first get out any concerns or issues we had in our own lives, put on some new age type music, and release all of it. We'd focus on our mission and what we were to do that night. We needed to leave all outside factors out and just be. The families would make their way in with the kids, we'd greet them warmly in the open living room, and eventually the parents would go for group while we took the kids upstairs and split them into small groups by age. We never pried, only offered a place for them to share about anything, not just their loss. We had a talking stick that allowed each child to be the focus without interruption by anyone else. We had to go through an intensive training where we learned the technique of reflection. It carried with me for many, many years in my dealings with children and I only recently realized I don't use it much anymore. In a nutshell, whatever they said we reflected back to them, to make sure they knew they were being heard. In addition, this enabled them to open up more and share more. Never asking questions, never making statements, and never assuming. Even though my marriage failed, this is one of the main things that helped me with my husband and was taught to us in marriage counseling. Try it sometime. Even when the kids weren't speaking, we would have to recognize their actions and say "Sarah is playing with the doll," "John is talking on the phone," "Megan is burying the dog in the sand," etc. This again reassured them that someone was listening to them and validating their feelings. 

I mentioned each room served a specific purpose and they were awesome. We had one room with padded walls, a boxing bag, gloves, balls, and everything one could need to get anger out. Kids were allowed to kick, scream, and do whatever they wanted in there to express themselves. As an adult, there are many times when I wish I had one of these. We had an arts and crafts room, naturally, where the kids could paint whatever they want, their grief often coming out in vibrant color. Their completed masterpieces hung like wallpaper all over the house. We also had areas with dolls, dress up, and sand tables. One of the most poignant experiences I had was watching a child bury a daddy figurine in the sandbox, which was one way for her to express the loss of her father. It was amazing how kids would open up to you about their losses once they trusted you and during normal, everyday play. We also had playhouses outside on the patio and I remember vividly connecting with a sweet little girl whose dad had killed her mother. Every week she would come with her brother and she'd take me by the hand and always want to play house. Always. She was as sweet as could be.

While all of this play was going on, the families were doing grieving and chatting of their own. It was great for the families to have a private place of their own to speak to others who were in similar situations, cry, vent, be angry, and let it all out away from the kids. I can imagine it being such a relief having a place for their kids to play and be taken care of while taking care of themselves also. Truly an amazing program.

We'd always end the night with a reunion of family, child, and volunteer in the main room. We'd all go around and share something we did or learned and closed with prayer. The amount of gratitude and pain in that room was intense.

I learned so much, so much, from this volunteer experience and carry much of it with me today. I am so thankful for it and can only hope and pray the program continues to have an incredibly healing history.

Day 21 - Women of Faith

I'm feeling super close to God at the moment and I can't wait to share some inspiration and revelations next month when my challenge is over.

Way back when in 2005 I attended my first and only (at the moment) Women of Faith conference. When J&I first started dating, this was the awesome gift his family gave me for Christmas. I spent the weekend in praise and worship at the Orlando Arena with his sisters, mom, aunt, cousins, and mom's best friends. To be in that kind of environment, surrounded by other women who love the Lord and thirst for Him is pretty incredible. To be sharing that with people you love and care about is even better. If you've never attended, I highly recommend going if there is a stop near you. For the men in your life, Promise Keepers is the answer. The Promise Keepers conference is coming to Orlando and to my church next weekend. I will be spending lots of time in prayer for the men attending that God will work in their lives. Such an incredible movement and I'm really proud of any man who takes the steps and answers the call. It's not easy.

Anyway, I'm hoping to re-visit this 2005 experience in part in October in ATL with J's sister J. I am in awe of Bishop TD Jakes and am enthusiastic about seeing him in person. I pray we're able to go and we are rejuvenated.

Enjoy some pictures from way back when...

Day 20 - Daddy's Girl

If there's one thing I know, I'm a daddy's girl at heart. My dad and I have had some serious challenges but thanks to some counseling I went through, we are much better now. It's something my mom has never been able to quite understand, why I am so close to my father and have a better relationship with him. I think at times she wishes she had a son just to have that closeness with her child. Whatever.

Anyway, one of my favorite memories that sticks out in my head is when my dad would come home from work. My mom stayed at home, so I was with her all day. My dad would come through the front door and every single day, I'd sprint to him saying "Daddy's Home! Daddy's Home!" Your typical Leave It to Beaver type moment. That was me without fail. On Fridays, he'd always bring home candy from the vending machine at work for me. Something I always looked forward to and what probably fueled my roller coaster addiction to candy in my life.

I can imagine as a parent, being greeted by your child this way every day was probably awesome for him. Working all day to provide for your family, absolutely exhausted, and knowing every time you opened the door your daughter would be waiting for you with excitement. Pretty cool. I hope to encourage my kids to do the same.

Day 19 - My First True Love?

Oh you guys. This is the entry that inspired this whole challenge. It's the entry I've been dreading. It's the one that caused me to drink two frou frou cake vodka drinks tonight before writing. Put on your seat belts because if you've been following me for a long time, this is a story you've heard a lot of before. And be prepared for picture overload.

If you were to ask me, "Shannon, who was your first real, true love?," I look back on my past relationships, married and divorced, and feel I have a clear answer. It's sad, but I have a clear answer. Despite having been in puppy love with my first real boyfriend and having great relationships with others, not to mention having a husband I vowed to spend forever with...the answer is obvious. J. And it pisses me off. It pains me, but that's besides the point. For now. This is about memories and here I am needing to share memories.

I've talked about this for months upon months and most of you know who have been following me for a while know the story of our meeting. It was in high school. In Mr. Storch's history class. I remember the exact location of the classroom. I remember exactly where I sat and where he did too. He was nervous as heck and it annoyed me to the point we never ended up together in high school. It was like we had magnets to each other though even back then. Once I had a boyfriend, I pretty much flipped that connection off. I wasn't one of those girls. He realized he had lost and kinda backed off too but if you ask him, he would always sit in class and wonder. So sad. I dated the same guy forever and a day until he ran off with my best friend in college which I talked about in "My First Heartbreak." So, that summer opened the doors for J & I to come back into one another's lives. Looking back, this was so exciting. It didn't have to happen, but it did. For whatever reason, we fell back like no time had passed. That seems to be a trend with us and was the death of me. Key word was. It was like our time had finally come and we were THRILLED. J I'm sure had hoped but never thought we'd actually be together and for me, I could have cared less prior to since I was with A for so long. But, here we were.

One of my most favorite memories of the beginning was when he walked into the kitchen with a bunch of pink roses, beautifully arranged in a vase. I thought they were for his mom and thought how sweet it was he was doing that for her. They were for me.

There was that Valentine's Day that I'll never forget. It stands as the best one to date. I worked so hard on planning something cute. It's my favorite holiday y'all. His favorite team was the Boston Red Sox, thanks to his grandpa, and is now also mine. Go figure. I bought him tickets to see them play Tampa and by the time the game came around, we had decided to end things since he was moving away. None the less, I mustered the strength to go with him. But that Valentines Day was special. He was in the kitchen for once, making stuffed chicken and I had made some pretty fabulous chocolate mousse. Complete with edible chocolate hearts. Oh yeah.

It was weird. The whole thing. No matter how many memories I share. No matter how many times I tell this story. No matter how many times I try to help people understand. I just can't. For every story I tell, for every memory I share...there are a hundred more. That New Years Eve. The weekend I spent with his granny before she passed away. The picture that was snapped right after he told me I'd someday be the next Mrs H. The nights I spent crying to his mom and dad about my broken heart. Things I'll never forget.

It's strange how you can have such a deep love for someone, so many memories, such a history and it not be meant to be. I've written about it before, but it's the one thing I continue to not understand. I've survived many breakups and including a painful divorce. I know life goes on. Life has moved forward since we split this year. I'm in a much better place than I was when this first happened. Much better. I see things clearly and I'm glad I'm out of that situation. It wasn't the best for me. It wasn't what God wanted for me. I think that's the hardest part of it all. It's what I wanted. God had and has other plans for the both of us. He is not part of my destiny. Something easy to write and say, but is really hard to truly believe. Destiny seemed to be such a huge part of us always coming back to one another. Keyword seemed.

One of the things I'm realizing is that I don't want to believe or accept that people change. But they do. That change is what causes them to do things they shouldn't (sometimes) and become people we think they shouldn't be. But it's not up to us and how we think they should be or what we believe they can be. We have to accept the reality. Who they are here and now. That's the toughest part. Every time I leave class on Wednesday nights, I drive in the vicinity of where we used to live together. Yesterday, I broke down and just wanted to get off the highway, run to his old, bang on the door and run into his arms. I know, ridiculous. He doesn't even live there anymore. I still go through these waves and various stages of grief. I'm absolutely confident in myself and my future, I know everything will be okay. I don't spend time wallowing around in tears or wishing we would be back together. I just wish things were different. I can wish all I want, but it's not going to change anything because God's plan is being done. I've accepted that the worst in my mind is bound to happen. Just use your imagination because I'm not going into details on what that means to me. If it does happen, it was meant to for him and not for us. It was part of Gods plan for him. I'm preparing myself for that. Another difficult thing is that we've always come back around. Even after years and years apart and painful things happening in between, we've always re-connected. I fear this. As hard as it is to say, I don't want him in my life in any way anymore. Ever. Sure, it sounds like I'm saying that out of pain or anger, but it's the truth. You can love someone deeply, but know that having them in your life is toxic. That's what he is to me. After all that went on behind my back, it's not worth the risk and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve to have someone like me in his life. I deserve better.

Someone very close to me has experienced a similar situation. Felt they met their soulmate, had an incredible connection, a deep love, and over something really stupid and juvenile on his part, they no longer speak. If y'all knew why, you would shake your head and wonder why that was worth throwing an entire relationship away over. The thing I keep trying to tell myself (one day I'll actually fully believe it) is that he is no longer a part of my destiny. As the incredible TD Jakes says, "Your destiny is no longer tied to anyone who left." I try to process it all by knowing God always has something better around the corner. If I thought this was a once in a lifetime love, God has someone in store who will knock my socks off and the best part...they won't leave. I've talked about that before and I believe it. 100%.

So, for now...when someone asks me who my first true love is I have an answer, but...one day I'll respond with "my husband" because for me, that's your real and only first true love. The person who loves you unconditionally, never gives up on you, and accepts you even when you are at your worst.

It's also one of my favorite times of the week, the link up with Goodnight Moon. Here are a few songs I've been listening to recently that have really helped keep me going. One I know I've posted before, but I just love it.






Okay seriously? LOVE Lionel's new album Tuskegee. Had to find a way to work one of these songs in this week.

Day 18 - High School

My high school is in the news this week for tragic reasons. More on that later, but I've been wanting to write about my high school memories for a while. A few days ago, I shared about how exhilarating graduation was for me. High school was honestly just as awesome.

Our school split into a 9th grade center and an upper school a few miles away. I had the luxury of living right across the street from the 9th grade center. Like, literally. I crossed the street and was at school. This was a super cool luxury, but something that probably caused me to miss 25% of my freshmen year. I had a massive crush on a lacrosse player and used to sit on my front porch drooling over him and giggling when he would wave at me from practice. Hilarious. Often I'd walk off school and go home for lunch, for breaks, or mosey my way into class later in the morning because I felt like it. Looking back, obviously this was so bad but my poor mom was newly divorced and probably didn't know what the heck to do. My dad, was in his own selfish world. But, I was honestly a good kid. I never partied, never did drugs, never snuck out, and didn't sleep around. I may have not gotten the best of grades, but I did okay. During 9th grade, I joined the basketball cheerleading team. I was too cool to actually show off my skills on the basketball team, and yes I was good back then. Being a girl and playing sports wasn't a cool thing to do at the time. I remember always getting called into the principals office for my shorts being too short. My mom would get frustrated with the school, trying to explain to them how hard it was for a long legged, tall, skinny girl to find shorts of proper length. Could anyone else relate? This was one of the most frustrating things for me at the time. I literally couldn't find anything to fit right.

My sophomore year, was the start of it all. I'd consider myself to be in the group of the semi-popular ones. You had your ultra crazy popular kids whose moms and dads drove brand new BMW's and Mercedes, your semi-popular kids who came from good middle class families and were somewhat known in the community, and your unpopular and loner kids. The different ones. Sad that it's how we looked on it back then. Popularity had so much worth. I think that's clearly what's wrong with bullying today. Anyway, I digress. This was the year I met J and eventually had my first boyfriend in A. I got on the deans good side thanks to a drivers ed class I took over the summer that he taught. This meant excuses to skip class, getting detention and having it ripped up, and a place to hide out for lunch. Oh yeah and when it came time to drive, that meant leaving campus super early or even leaving for lunch. My friends and I became besties with the gate guard and loved when he'd just wave us on through while others behind us got in trouble for trying to leave. I was so lucky. I had it so good in high school. I think this is why I enjoyed it so much. I was hardly ever there! LOL.

Then, tragedy struck.

On September 27th, 2000 (I'll never forget the date) a friend committed suicide. Admittedly, I wasn't as close to him as most but his death affected me in such a profound way. You can read more about Christopher Joseph Gangwisch here. Please do. It rocked our school. His brother Brad was an upperclassmen, a senior at the time. Chris was on the football team, dating a cheerleader, and a popular guy with a big smile and even bigger heart. I didn't want to be alone. I was so sad. My mom drove me to school that morning with a friend. We walked into school and everyone was just silent. We gathered around the flag pole in shock and prayed. We walked by his locker and wept. We wrote messages on it, slipped notes inside, and left flowers. I remember walking through the halls, catching someones eyes, and just being overcome with emotion. It was awful. I had class with him that year and seeing that empty seat just about did me in. They called in counselors for days. The first day, a group of us just had to leave. We couldn't take it. His funeral was something hard to put into words. Probably the most *awesome* I have been to, if there is such a thing. Standing room only. Everyone stood up and shared incredible memories. The procession to the burial was miles and miles long. He was so loved. I visited his grave often for several years after he died. Even into college. Then things kinda got weird between the family and I, and I stopped. Nothing really bad, it was just obvious they hadn't processed their grief in even a minuscule way. It just became kinda awkward. Eventually, I'd patch things up with his bro and spent a few good times with him, before he got married and kinda fell off the planet. None the less, his death impacted me like none other. Sadly, just a few months later I'd lose someone else close to me to suicide. Jay. The reason I named M&I's baby Jayden and why the letter J continues to be something I'm stuck on. Oh, and I forgot to mention...Chris was one of my ex husbands very best friends since childhood. It was nice being married to someone who remembered him for all the good times.

The rest of high school was kinda a blur. Good times. Still with the same boyfriend, breaking up and getting back together at least twice a month. Lots of trips to the beach. LOTS of trips to the beach. I barely passed, which is why graduation is an event I am so thankful for. I can't believe I thought that little of my educational foundation. One thing I wish I could do over again. Regardless, I look back on my time in high school and I smile. I wouldn't be the person I am today without going there. I'm so thankful God worked in a way that took me from private school and put me into public. Something my parents vowed would NEVER happen. I adored private school don't get me wrong and would have loved to have graduated from there, but it wasn't part of my plan. I would have never met J. I would have never met his sisters. I wouldn't have as much appreciation for things as I do today. I might not know the extreme value of life.

I mentioned earlier that my high school was in the news. Two WPHS students bodies were found on fire and charred on a popular jogging and biking trail near the school. WP is a city/town of goody two shoes, rainbows and sunshine. Nothing bad ever happens here, or so they like to portray. It does and drugs were a HUGE player back then and I can only imagine they are still bad now. Too many rich kids with mommy and daddies money and parents who are too busy with their big bank accounts to care. Anyway, tonight there are two families in pain. One of them, I knew. One of the guys dads worked with my mom and I met him on many, many occasions growing up. A good man with immense respect and care. I can't imagine the pain he is going through knowing what happened to his son. Please keep them in your prayers. If you want to read about the story, click here.

Day 17 - Brazil & A Coconut Water Giveaway!

*Side Note: Thanks for all of the sweet comments on me getting to meet Tim. You guys know me well and realize what an incredible experience it was. XO!*

Back in late 2007, I made my first major out of the country trip to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. It was truly an awesome experience. I was dating someone at the time who was from their and whose family resided in a high rise overlooking Copacabana Beach. This was truly a unique opportunity and I'm grateful for the experience.

We took a cable car up Pao de Acucar (Sugarloaf Mountain) and viewed the sights of the city from up above. Wild monkeys were running through the bushes and the view was incredible.

These are the infamous favelas of Rio. Extremely dangerous and complete lawlessness inside. They are rumored to have been cleaned up immensely due to the World Cup coming there in 2013.

The crowded beach in Buzios, a small resort town a few hours outside of Rio. Beaches on sunny days all over the city look just like this. Hardly any room to place your things!

The food in Rio was hands down the best part. The first picture is of me enjoying a fresh Caiprinha and some carne aseca. The bottom picture is of me eating some FRESH Acai from the surrounding Amazon. This stand was right around the corner from the high rise and I went often. You won't find fresher acai anywhere else than in Brazil.

Christ the Redeemer atop Corcavado. One of the Seven Wonders of the World.

Decked out in my Brasil futbol jersey on Copacabana Beach :)

One of the most awesome experiences I had was walking down to the beach and having a coconut chopped open, straw inserted, and drinking fresh coconut water right from the fruit. For only a couple dollars you could be replenished and refreshed. Simply amazing. This was just around the time coconut water was starting to become interesting to us in the states. Since going to Rio, I've tried every brand of coconut water in existence and haven't found anything that compares. 

I was super excited when I got the opportunity to try coconut water from KarmaLife. I was intrigued by the flavors they had, including Vanilla and Mojito Green Tea. I love the glass bottles, the packaging, and how wonderfully consumer friendly the company is. They sent me a case, which included 2 of each flavor for a total of six bottles. I dove in immediately!

One of the first things I noticed is the crisp, clear taste. With some of the ones in plastic, you get that icky plastic taste in the water. Since it's packaged in glass, you get to enjoy the pure taste. I really can't decide what my favorite flavor is, they are all truly that good. I love that the flavors they have are unique and so far, no other companies in the industry offer them. Another awesome thing about KarmaLife is it's the first coconut water using coconuts from India. You can truly tell a difference. It's incredibly smooth. It's not overly full of coconut flavor, so for those just looking for the health benefits of coconut water, you'll LOVE KarmaLife. The packaging is entirely made in the USA, Michigan to be exact. Gotta love that! Lastly, for those of you who aren't familiar with coconut water and its benefits to the human body...here are some fast facts for you.

-20 times the potassium of sports drinks and the highest levels of potassium in any coconut water

-No added sugars or refined sugars

-It's the only coconut water with the extra benefit of antioxidants from the Kokum superfruit,

Interested in trying KarmaLife? It's available from stores like Whole Foods, Better Health, Plum, and more. Locate a store near you by clicking here.

As a special treat to all of my readers, KarmaLife is giving a case away of their delicious coconut water! Click "Read More" to enter!

Day 16 - My First Heartbreak

We've all had it. When you first fall in love and think to yourself "This MUST be it for me." You're in la la land, butterflies all of the time, so happy to be in a relationship, and then BAM...it's over. For me, this happened when I was in high school, well the la la part.

Thanks to the small area of town I grew up in on the outskirts of Orlando, I've always dated guys I've been friends with and from my high school. Heck, my ex husband was from high school and so was J! It's a curse I tell you that you can only break by moving away. My very first "real boyfriend" (will call him A) and I met when we were in 9th or 10th grade. How awful that I can't remember! Our school had a 9th grade center, so I'm pretty sure we probably met at some point then. We didn't date until 10th grade and I look back and it was such your typical high school relationship. Sharing a locker was the cute thing to do. Passing notes in class, meeting in the hallways to kiss and exchange notes between classes, and sitting next to each other anytime there was an assembly. All mandatory in high school. This was my very first real kiss too, something I had been mocked for not experiencing for YEARS. Eventually, I'd lose my virginity to him as well and we ended up together for almost 3 and a half years, all the way to the beginning of college. Then, during our first year of Spring Break as freshmen, he ran off with my best friend and boinked her. Yeah, talk about the end of your life.

I was absolutely stricken and absolutely certain I would never love again. I spent over 3 years of my little life with him and sadly, still stands to be the longest relationship I've ever had. I felt like dying. I remember crawling into my moms bed at night feeling completely eaten on the inside, hollow and rotted. It hurt that we broke up (even though we did it at least a dozen times) but hurt even more he ran off with my best friend. To this day, I still harbor a little bit of resentment towards her for never apologizing for what she did. She friend requested me on Facebook sometime last year and I immediately denied it. Childish maybe, but I still think an apology would have been nice. She had no idea how much that scarred me at the time.

Anyway, life did go on and eventually A & I became friends again. I went to visit him in college in Tallahassee about a year or so after we had split and then truly realized there was nothing left anymore. NADA. Anyone notice I tend to have serious closure problems? Oy! We don't speak anymore but just because our worlds have drifted entirely and he's been in a new relationship with the same girl for a few years. His mom and dad were so kind as to send M & I a wedding gift when we got married, something I'll never forget. He still hangs with the same people from high school and even shares a house with one of my best guy friends from high school, so the circles still exist.

What can be said from this experience is life goes on. I can only imagine if I had really bought into my life being over at 18/19. I dove headfirst into serious depression and yes, contemplated committing suicide over the whole thing. I cannot imagine having done so and missed out on so much of the past 8/9 years of life. What this relationship taught me was that even when things seem as dismal as ever, even when we think we just can't go on, when we think the pain is too much to bare...we can do it. It seems silly now to think about how I felt back then, but for an 18/19 year old girl...it made sense. I can totally thank God for those unanswered prayers.

Day 15 - Meeting Tim

So yesterday, I shared a picture of Tim & I meeting at his 2nd Annual Tim Tebow Foundation Celebrity Golf Classic. You can watch the video blog below for my feelings immediately after coming home.

Everyone knows I'm a Tebow fanatic, but meeting him took that to a completely different level. I'm still in awe at how incredible he was with all of the kids there. He interacted with everyone watching, made us all laugh, and did whatever he could to make sure people got autographs and pictures throughout the day.

People can criticize him day and night and go on and on about the hype surrounding him. He is an incredible man, blessed with incredible talents, and a God-given platform. To me, meeting him wasn't a star struck moment for me but one in which it was incredible to see God's work in Tim. All of the interviews in no way compare to how he is in person. What struck me also was watching Tim's interview with Robin Roberts on GMA. In it, they touch again on his mom Pam and her being faced with the decision to abort him. Imagining this after all Tim has accomplished really puts abortion in perspective. Secondly, in the interview he said he hopes to bring a light to everyone he meets and he certainly did that yesterday for me. Truly, an incredible life. I hope Tim inspires other young men and adult men to care for women and children the way he does and to do for others as he does.

Awesome day!


Here are a few pics from the event as well...

2012 Masters Champion, Bubba Watson

Tim!

In front of the clubhouse @ TPC

Tim shootin' some hoops

Ahhh! So close!

This series of shots by his team were pretty hilarious.

Jordin Sparks and I

Day 14 - It Happened

Yes. This happened. It's real.

I think this deserves a day or two in my memories challenge. More tomorrow...

Day 13 - Video Blog - Granny

Day 12 - DC Memories

Today is another weekly link up with Goodnight Moon for "What's Your Song?" I've spent some time today trying to come up with a song that carries a lot of memories for me. I couldn't think of just one this week, but I was reminded of an artist.

Mat Kearney carried me through my time in DC. When I had left everything behind in Orlando, given a certain someone a second chance, and decided it was time for me to follow my dreams. I listened to his albums NON-STOP. Literally. It was just about all I would listen to everyday in the commute to and from work. His songs just pepped me up and a lot of them were very reflective, which was the position I was in at the time. Man, I remember those feelings like they happened yesterday. So much has changed in my life since, but I hope I can have them again.

AFTB Presentation on Deployment to become a certified instructor :)

4th of July

Dad & I during his visit

Reina and I having tea at the Ritz celebrating my engagement

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 11 - Homecoming

Homecomings are so exhilarating, but also so very bittersweet. One of my best memories was welcoming home my ex husband during his R&R from Iraq. Once the date was set in stone (well there's no such thing as dates set in stone in the military) the waiting was intense. It felt like it was forever away, but as it got closer and closer it became more real. I don't even think I remember the ride to the airport to get him because I was so nervous, excited, and just plain in shock.

Reina and I spent the afternoon decorating the townhouse in which I was living with gobs and gobs of red, white, and blue. It seriously looked like Uncle Sam threw up in there, much to the dismay of my roomies. 

I was so insanely nervous...

...but so excited to know he was finally on American soil and safe.

The moment I saw him coming from the arrivals area, everything was right in the world. Truly, despite everything, still one of the happiest points in my life.

I love this picture even though now it's kinda sad. This picture of him reminds me of a different person, when he was healthy mentally and physically.

I love how tight I'm holding on and how peaceful he looks :)

I couldn't get enough hugs in.

Despite the eventual outcome of our situation, I treasure this in my heart and always will. It was one of the happiest days of my life, something I can't quite get into words. Talking to your soldier through Skype, emails, FB messages, etc. is nothing compared to when you actually get to hold them in your arms. From the moment they're gone you can't stop thinking about when you'll see them again and at times, it feels like it will never happen. In talking to other milspouses and from my experience, dropping them back off at the airport when it's time go go back is so very difficult. You have it hanging over your head that it's eventually coming the entire time they are home, but you try to ignore it and take things day by day, moment by moment. Since you just never know what could happen, I just tried to do my best to soak up everything with the time we had. I remember walking with him in the airport and not saying goodbye, but see ya later. I told myself not to look back and through my tears kept marching forward.

One of the best memories from my marriage.

Day 10 - Flaming Buffalo

Our old tribal outfits that we still have, though missing a few patches. I think my Native American grandmother made my dress :)

One of my most favorite memories that I've been so looking forward to sharing is some special time I had with my dad growing up.

The YMCA had (not sure if they still do) a super cool outdoors program where moms and sons or dads and daughters could get together with other moms/sons dads/daughters and form a tribe. Since I did it with my dad, we were in the Indian Princesses program. Once a month or so, we'd pack up all of our gear and head out to go camping and meetup with all of the other dads and princesses in our tribe. Our tribe was the mighty, mighty Sioux and naturally, we had songs to learn to say so :) This was yet another awesome experience that helped shape my future and strengthen my relationship with my dad. I am so grateful my parents thought to do this.

We would have state wide camp-outs a few times a year where we'd meet up with thousands of other tribes, not just dads and daughters, and have lots of competitions, tribal dances, and so much more. We would do fun relays where we had to go minnow fishing in a bucket, carry an egg on a spoon, and flip fake pancakes in a skillet all the way down the line and back. Overall, it was fantastic camaraderie and great for the dads to hang out and the girls to as well. 

After a year or two in the program, my dad was nominated by the others in the tribe to be the chief. Seriously, it was very Native American like. So, he accepted the honor. Oh, I forgot to mention we had Indian names as well. My dad's first name was "Water Buffalo" and mine was "Little Rainbow Star." Hilarious. Over time, that would change and I'm not sure why it did, but I think when my dad assumed tribal chief, both he and I had to change our names. Interesting. Anyway, I was convinced I was a speedster and also owned a pet rabbit I adored. Thus, my name became Swift Rabbit. My dad well...

For whatever reason, my dad decided one day to make a huge fire in our fire pit. It got a little out of control and started falling onto the ground around the pit. So, naturally he stomped on it to put the flame out. Problem is, it went straight up his pants, melted his shoe, and was a point of laughter for many years. After this incident, he was called Flaming Buffalo. Really, really funny.

I'm sad to know we live in an era where a lot of parents don't take the time to do such things like we did back in the day. It truly made a huge difference in my life being able to have this special time with my dad.