I am always so thankful, humbled, and inspired by the e-mails and comments I get from my blog readers. I know I say this a lot, but it's true. It means so much to me that my outlet, something that has documented my life for over two years now, can help other women in similar circumstances. I received one such e-mail just the other day.
"This isn't a PR inquiry...but I didn't see any other contact email. I recently stumbled on your blog and spend about my whole weekend working through your archives. Your blog really touched me. The fact that you are so open and honest about the struggles you went through with your marriage and your decision to end it. I have been going through something very similar for almost four years now. The fact that you had the courage to get out when you did amazes me. I keep telling myself that when I finish college, when I get a good job, when things are stable then I will make the change and leave. I give a million excuses including my daughter. But you packed up and moved into an entirely new state with no family and somehow made it work. I'm not there yet....hopefully someday. I just want to thank you for sharing your story and I will be following along from now on."
That is the inspiration behind this blog post. I have written in great detail about my struggles in my marriage. Dealing with the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from my now ex husband. Struggling to make sense of his PTSD and his battered body taken over by Multiple Sclerosis. For those who have not read these entries, they take place from around March 2010 and forward. It was a heinously painful period of my life, one that I will carry with me forever. Because I know there are many women out there struggling with the decision to leave or stay, I'll share how I did it.
First, the only way you're going to leave is to realize all you are worth. If you are in an abusive relationship or an abusive marriage, this is going to seem impossible. Your partner probably makes you feel like the size of an ant, like you have no meaning in life. This is so far from being true. Do not let his own insecurities carry over to you. If you can think back to the time when you were without him, odds are you were a much happier, different person. Someone with a light. You have to find your way back there. It's possible.
We have the tendency to forget. To remember the good times. To want to hang around because 20% of the time, he's romantic, he's kind, he's considerate, he's happy. We forget this is a rare occurrence and truly, should not be. Take a look at this cycle, one that was provided to me in my own therapy sessions...
There's a reason why these cycle charts are in existence. Your situation is not the exception. It is the rule. This is the true cycle of abuse and if you think long and hard, you can identify with it right away. It will continue until you put a stop to it. The promises are always broken. The changes never happen. When someone says they are going to be different, they need to act on it 100%. It's never okay to say you are going to change and then go right back to the behavior. More importantly, never EVER let your partner tell you it is YOUR FAULT for HIS behavior. EVER. This could not be further from the truth. Forgetting something at the grocery store, spilling a can of soda, or talking to a guy friend on Facebook does not give someone the right to abuse you in any way shape or form.
For me, it was exceptionally hard given the fact my husband served in a war. I felt he wasn't at fault for his behavior. I felt he was still the man I knew and loved inside and I was supposed to stick by him regardless, because it was my duty as a military spouse. I was wrong. Just because my husband returned from Iraq with PTSD, just because he experienced horrible things, doesn't mean I have to stick around and experience them too. My safety, my life was in danger. It was even harder after his diagnosis with MS. How could I dream of leaving the person I vowed to spend forever with in sickness and health, just as he is diagnosed with a life altering sickness. What would people think of me?
I struggled a lot with what God said in the Bible about divorce. It was just plain wrong. We weren't supposed to do it under virtually any circumstance. I ended up meeting with someone at my Church to discuss this and walked away believing God would never want His child to be endangered, mistreated, and abused. God does not want you in an abusive, dangerous situation. Think about that long and hard.
Being a part of the military, I was blessed with extra resources available to me including a victim advocate. With the exception of personal counseling, marriage counseling, and meeting with the unit chaplain, my first major step was visiting with Family Advocacy to report what was going on at home. I'm still thankful that M had the commander he did. Not everyone is as lucky, but that doesn't mean you are in a losing battle. So, for those in the military contemplating leaving, know there are MANY resources available to you including financial assistance given without needing to pay it back, food, housing, additional programs, and more. For those not part of the military family, you have to find it within yourself to pack your bags and go. Find a friend who you can trust to help you. Come up with a plan. This is what my victim advocate helped me to do long before I left M. Here's how that went...
We came up with an exit plan. Literally. What rooms to refrain from being in during arguments. Kitchens are never good due to the weapons readily available. Neither are rooms with no exits. Keep a prepaid cell phone charged with important numbers in it hidden in a safe place or with a neighbor. This proved to be absolutely crucial for me. If possible, keep a small stash of money, a seperate bank account, etc. in the event you need to leave. When you do go, do not run to a place where he can easily find you, nor stay at a hotel near to where you live. He can easily drive around, recognize your car, and things can get worse really quickly. Use the police to help you. Don't take chances. Call them and let them know you are in an abusive situation and you need help getting out now. They will be glad to help.
The night I left, I literally had enough. Enough of the threats. Enough of the uncertainty. Enough of the walking on eggshells. I had it. I had a bag already packed, called the police, and left. Not without chaos of course, but none the less I left. I did this with nothing. No family within 1000+ miles. No money. Just the prepaid phone, my car, my suitcase, and my dog. I drove to a hotel in the middle of the night and passed out. I still find it amazing I was able to sleep with all that had just happened. What was more amazing was how peaceful I felt waking up the next morning, knowing I had just made a decision to take back control of my life from someone who was trying so hard to control me.
In addition, I had known in advance I was going to need to leave him. I just didn't know an exact day. I was lucky enough to be in college at the time and have the opportunity to apply for student loans. Knowing I had this to help me, also gave me the boost I needed to leave. Not everyone has this ability, but do not let money prevent you from saving your own life. You will find a way. It is truly amazing what the human mind is capable of in the midst of chaos. You learn to survive however you can.
You can find a million excuses. Christmas is around the corner. Your son's birthday party. He's about to get a promotion. You're looking at a new house. None of those things change what is happening. More importantly, the behavior is not going to change. BELIEVE ME. I know we hear about stories of men who found God and changed their lives around. They now love their wives more than ever, have repented, and serve in their local Churches. This is the exception. It is rare. It hardly EVER happens. The behavior works for an abuser. They do not have to change it as long as you are around accepting it.
Maybe you have to leave once, twice, five times to finally get out. I left on several occasions and even after we separated, I gave him another shot. The bottom line was, as painful as it was, my life was better off without him in it. No, this was not an easy thing to swallow.
I'll be honest. Was it hard? Absolutely. Were there times I wanted to run back to him because I thought it would be easier? Yes. It's been almost a full year since my divorce was finalized (feels like an eternity) and a year and a half since we separated. My mind still plays tricks on me, making me think many things would be much easier if I had just stayed married. Do I still feel guilt for leaving? Yes. I'm sharing all of this to prove that even now, it's still there. It doesn't disappear, but let me tell you...it is 1000 times better. I am struggling in many aspects of my life. I do not have it all together. In some ways, I am starting over, at almost 27. It's really hard to swallow, BUT...I think of the person I was back then and who I am now and it's a world of a difference. I feel I don't even know that girl who was in that marriage. I remember being in rooms being screamed at, threatened, and sit here on my bed typing this blog entry with peace and quiet. Not afraid. It's a wonderful feeling.
So, for any of you out there who read this and find yourselves in a dangerous, depressing, abusive, or just plain crappy relationship...get out. Do not wait. It will not get better. You do not need to sit around and wait until it does. Will it be tough? Yep. Will you want to turn back? Probably so. Trust me when I say, it is always, always worth it. When it comes down to it, I do not regret making the decision I did in choosing to leave my husband and end our marriage. I wish things would have been different. I wish we would have been able to be in a healthy, happy, successful marriage. I wanted my marriage. Badly. Do I still love him? In a way yes and I feel part of me always will. I married him for a reason. We created and lost a child together. Something that has forever changed my life. Something I could never forget no matter how hard I tried. My heart still aches for him. I forgive him. I believe in my heart he is a good man. Enough time has passed for me to do so and for me to have no ill will toward him. I do know he was cursed with an unfortunate disorder that turned him into someone he wasn't and I pray to this day that he is recovered, happy, and thriving in his new life. I know without a shadow of a doubt, neither of us would have been able to live the life we deserved without going our separate ways at the time. It was the right thing to do.
