It's one of those things I still struggle to comprehend.
Tonight, I got a phone call from one of J's cousins. I got a text from his sister wanting to get together. Two nights ago, I spent an hour on the phone with his other one. Yet he isn't in my life in any capacity, for good reason. But it's all so confusing.
I'm trying to put myself in a new state of mind, otherwise I'm going to go batty. What if the REAL reason I met J was to become close to his family? What if it wasn't for him at all, but a gateway to people who would become some of my closest friends, my biggest supporters, and just plain people I love? This makes it all worth it. Otherwise, I still just don't understand.
In talking to his sis the other night, she shared with me a personal experience of a similar situation. She shed some light on some things and made me toughen up a bit. I've said it a million times, but plain and simple talk...I do deserve better. Someone who can do what they did to me, in those terms, doesn't deserve to be with me. I don't need to waste my time loving them, nor wishing what could have been.
I realized recently, I don't yearn for him. I yearn for what could have been. The fact of the matter is, it was and never will be what I wanted it to be. It never was meant to. My relationship with him served its purpose, ran its course. Just like my marriage to my husband did and every decision I've ever made in life or every relationship I've ever had. Looking back on every breakup, my divorce, and every other turbulent time in my life, I questioned "Why?" in the moment. Now, I see clearly. What was once a "Why?" is now a "Oh yes. I understand." There truly isn't any experience I've been through that didn't serve a much more profound purpose. There has never been an experience that didn't lead to things far greater than the current.
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different."
It still hurts like hell y'all. It really does. It's the strangest thing.
I know a year from now, I'll stumble upon this blog entry and be in an entirely different place. This won't be but a faint thing in my mind. In a way, I'm thankful for how all of this went down. How it all ended. Had it ended lovingly, peacefully, with hope like it always had before, I wouldn't be able to move on and know I gave it my all.
Time truly does heal. There are days that go by now where I don't think about him or think about us. Then there are times like Saturday night in my hotel room where I wanted to throw myself on that nasty floor and start a wailing session. You'll be happy to know I didn't.
I still wonder how you could love someone so much and share so much of your life with them and it seem honest to goodness true, and it not work out. I guess that's the same question asked by a lot of people going through a divorce or couples dealing with infidelity. It's such a mind numbing shock when it happens, when you don't see it coming. I should also add when you do see it coming from miles away but do your darndest to ignore it. Say it isn't so.
How can something that is the hardest, be the most blessed? It's tough for me to have relationships with his family knowing this outcome. In my mind, the perfect piece to the puzzle is us. But that's the idea in my mind, not what's best for me, for J, for his family, or according to God. The thing is though, I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's true I couldn't imagine a time in my life without him in it, but I truly can't imagine a time in my life without his family. I just can't. That brings me back to square one. Maybe all of this for the past 13 years was for the relationships with his sisters, his parents, his family. Not for him. I feel so insanely blessed to have his sisters. I sometimes struggle with the fact that in 99% of situations, a casualty of a broken relationship is losing your place within the family too. Sometimes I think to myself, perhaps the door needs closing. Fully. As hard as it would be, perhaps it's what needs to be done. But I just simply can't imagine it. Despite having painful moments, reminders, and hearing things through the grapevine, I just don't think I could do it. I don't want to. I shouldn't have to. I wasn't the one who threw this all away. I'm sure as time passes, it will get harder and harder to maintain our relationships. I'll move on, he'll move on, we'll all move forward. The greatest thing is still being able to love each other despite the direction our lives have taken us. That's it.
Last night on "The Voice," Lady Antebellum performed this and when they made the announcement, I almost fell to the floor. I've loved this song since the album first was released, the same week I moved in with J and back to Orlando. I used to put this on my iPod when we were together and crank it up. I kinda just always knew.
Tonight, I got a phone call from one of J's cousins. I got a text from his sister wanting to get together. Two nights ago, I spent an hour on the phone with his other one. Yet he isn't in my life in any capacity, for good reason. But it's all so confusing.
I'm trying to put myself in a new state of mind, otherwise I'm going to go batty. What if the REAL reason I met J was to become close to his family? What if it wasn't for him at all, but a gateway to people who would become some of my closest friends, my biggest supporters, and just plain people I love? This makes it all worth it. Otherwise, I still just don't understand.
In talking to his sis the other night, she shared with me a personal experience of a similar situation. She shed some light on some things and made me toughen up a bit. I've said it a million times, but plain and simple talk...I do deserve better. Someone who can do what they did to me, in those terms, doesn't deserve to be with me. I don't need to waste my time loving them, nor wishing what could have been.
I realized recently, I don't yearn for him. I yearn for what could have been. The fact of the matter is, it was and never will be what I wanted it to be. It never was meant to. My relationship with him served its purpose, ran its course. Just like my marriage to my husband did and every decision I've ever made in life or every relationship I've ever had. Looking back on every breakup, my divorce, and every other turbulent time in my life, I questioned "Why?" in the moment. Now, I see clearly. What was once a "Why?" is now a "Oh yes. I understand." There truly isn't any experience I've been through that didn't serve a much more profound purpose. There has never been an experience that didn't lead to things far greater than the current.
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different."
It still hurts like hell y'all. It really does. It's the strangest thing.
I know a year from now, I'll stumble upon this blog entry and be in an entirely different place. This won't be but a faint thing in my mind. In a way, I'm thankful for how all of this went down. How it all ended. Had it ended lovingly, peacefully, with hope like it always had before, I wouldn't be able to move on and know I gave it my all.
Time truly does heal. There are days that go by now where I don't think about him or think about us. Then there are times like Saturday night in my hotel room where I wanted to throw myself on that nasty floor and start a wailing session. You'll be happy to know I didn't.
I still wonder how you could love someone so much and share so much of your life with them and it seem honest to goodness true, and it not work out. I guess that's the same question asked by a lot of people going through a divorce or couples dealing with infidelity. It's such a mind numbing shock when it happens, when you don't see it coming. I should also add when you do see it coming from miles away but do your darndest to ignore it. Say it isn't so.
How can something that is the hardest, be the most blessed? It's tough for me to have relationships with his family knowing this outcome. In my mind, the perfect piece to the puzzle is us. But that's the idea in my mind, not what's best for me, for J, for his family, or according to God. The thing is though, I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's true I couldn't imagine a time in my life without him in it, but I truly can't imagine a time in my life without his family. I just can't. That brings me back to square one. Maybe all of this for the past 13 years was for the relationships with his sisters, his parents, his family. Not for him. I feel so insanely blessed to have his sisters. I sometimes struggle with the fact that in 99% of situations, a casualty of a broken relationship is losing your place within the family too. Sometimes I think to myself, perhaps the door needs closing. Fully. As hard as it would be, perhaps it's what needs to be done. But I just simply can't imagine it. Despite having painful moments, reminders, and hearing things through the grapevine, I just don't think I could do it. I don't want to. I shouldn't have to. I wasn't the one who threw this all away. I'm sure as time passes, it will get harder and harder to maintain our relationships. I'll move on, he'll move on, we'll all move forward. The greatest thing is still being able to love each other despite the direction our lives have taken us. That's it.
Last night on "The Voice," Lady Antebellum performed this and when they made the announcement, I almost fell to the floor. I've loved this song since the album first was released, the same week I moved in with J and back to Orlando. I used to put this on my iPod when we were together and crank it up. I kinda just always knew.
I hear you. I think that's my biggest downfall right now - thinking of what COULD have been. Letting go of the DREAM is hard, not letting go of the reality.
ReplyDeleteI've always been someone who sees the potential in people. I try to see them for who they are, but I just have this unwavering belief in people. It's strange. It's endearing, but it also totally messes up my expectations.
The whole thing just, well, sucks.
If a man cannot commit or cannot be concrete in his answers to you then he is not yours to keep. I think your problem was that you were consistently going to his family or friends and hearing things from them not from him directly. Essentially, you were holding on to hope and dreams. The thing that i don't understand about people is that they believe everything they hear from others and yet seem to miss half the story...(and I am not trying to criticize). On a side note, I have met plenty of friends through someone else who is no longer in my life. I believe every person you meet serves a purpose in life...even the ones that knock you down because they highlight your needs, your desires, your dreams, your strengths, your weaknesses, and allow personal growth. I think as I have journeyed onward I have discovered more and more about myself. I dealt with an emotionally and psychologically abusive man, which put me in a state of anxiety,depression,paranoia, extreme happiness, sadness, hatred of myself, hatred of him, hatred of my so called friends when the ship sank, hatred of his friends for supporting my abuse, hatred of behaving in a way that was not myself and unacceptable, more sadness, more hatred, a diagnosis of PTSD because of the abuse. Finally, the answers are clear and I have learned to accept myself.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing your thoughts and for coming by to comment. I'm sorry you've been through so much. I'm not quite sure where I gave the thought that I was listening to his family and friends, as they were actually NOT wanting me to date him, knowing I'd only be hurt in the long run. I was in fact getting everything from his words, but not his actions. His actions clearly spoke louder.
Delete