We've all had it. When you first fall in love and think to yourself "This MUST be it for me." You're in la la land, butterflies all of the time, so happy to be in a relationship, and then BAM...it's over. For me, this happened when I was in high school, well the la la part.
Thanks to the small area of town I grew up in on the outskirts of Orlando, I've always dated guys I've been friends with and from my high school. Heck, my ex husband was from high school and so was J! It's a curse I tell you that you can only break by moving away. My very first "real boyfriend" (will call him A) and I met when we were in 9th or 10th grade. How awful that I can't remember! Our school had a 9th grade center, so I'm pretty sure we probably met at some point then. We didn't date until 10th grade and I look back and it was such your typical high school relationship. Sharing a locker was the cute thing to do. Passing notes in class, meeting in the hallways to kiss and exchange notes between classes, and sitting next to each other anytime there was an assembly. All mandatory in high school. This was my very first real kiss too, something I had been mocked for not experiencing for YEARS. Eventually, I'd lose my virginity to him as well and we ended up together for almost 3 and a half years, all the way to the beginning of college. Then, during our first year of Spring Break as freshmen, he ran off with my best friend and boinked her. Yeah, talk about the end of your life.
I was absolutely stricken and absolutely certain I would never love again. I spent over 3 years of my little life with him and sadly, still stands to be the longest relationship I've ever had. I felt like dying. I remember crawling into my moms bed at night feeling completely eaten on the inside, hollow and rotted. It hurt that we broke up (even though we did it at least a dozen times) but hurt even more he ran off with my best friend. To this day, I still harbor a little bit of resentment towards her for never apologizing for what she did. She friend requested me on Facebook sometime last year and I immediately denied it. Childish maybe, but I still think an apology would have been nice. She had no idea how much that scarred me at the time.
Anyway, life did go on and eventually A & I became friends again. I went to visit him in college in Tallahassee about a year or so after we had split and then truly realized there was nothing left anymore. NADA. Anyone notice I tend to have serious closure problems? Oy! We don't speak anymore but just because our worlds have drifted entirely and he's been in a new relationship with the same girl for a few years. His mom and dad were so kind as to send M & I a wedding gift when we got married, something I'll never forget. He still hangs with the same people from high school and even shares a house with one of my best guy friends from high school, so the circles still exist.
What can be said from this experience is life goes on. I can only imagine if I had really bought into my life being over at 18/19. I dove headfirst into serious depression and yes, contemplated committing suicide over the whole thing. I cannot imagine having done so and missed out on so much of the past 8/9 years of life. What this relationship taught me was that even when things seem as dismal as ever, even when we think we just can't go on, when we think the pain is too much to bare...we can do it. It seems silly now to think about how I felt back then, but for an 18/19 year old girl...it made sense. I can totally thank God for those unanswered prayers.