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I was reading this article about Enrique Iglesias and and Anna Kournikova after hearing some buzz about the couple. Apparently, they've been together for ELEVEN YEARS. Doesn't that make her like 15 when they started dating or something? Who knew they had been together so long!?! On top of that, Enrique has some "issues" with the whole notion of marriage. His parents are divorced and I guess, like a lot of us who are divorced or come from broken homes, the luster of it all is gone or faded. Because of this, he doesn't feel the need to declare his love and affection for his partner of eleven years on paper and through legal means. He makes a good point that in this day and age, you no longer "need" to be married to have a family and act as a married couple. Jon Hamm from my beloved Mad Men feels the same way too. He and his long time girlfriend both came from broken families with crappy marriages and also agree marriage is not for them. Commitment is, but not marriage.
So, it got me to thinking.
I'm a little bitter and confused on the notion of marriage myself. Part of me feels like it's entirely unnatural to force a man and a woman, polar opposites, with one another until death parts them. Men are made to procreate, to spread their seed and reproduce. Like, seriously. Being monogamous is not easy for these, I'll put it nicely...individuals. Sadly, we know in the time we're living, divorce is frequent. The notion a couple can stay together for life is unfortunately no longer really realistic. Not something people want to hear or admit, but the statistics are there. Nobody gets married thinking they will ever be divorced yet somehow, it keeps on happening. It would be incredible to have faith in what marriage is really supposed to mean and what it was really created for, but it's tough to. Let's be real.
It's not that I don't believe or that I'm saying I'll never do it again. I'm not trying to take away from those of you who are happily engaged or happily married. I just think there's something to be said about how Enrique views the institution of marriage.
Here's how I feel.
As a Christian, it goes against everything I've been taught to live the life of a married person, have children, and not have made the covenant of marriage before God. As hard as it is for me to admit and maybe one day I'll change my mind, it's not something I'm entirely opposed to. You can do anything and everything a married couple does now without the marriage. You can leave assets to someone, you can have health insurance under your working partner, you can have babies, you can be guardians of estate, you can buy houses together, buy cars together, and the list goes on. I thought for a second, "Well shoot. What about the wedding?" You can even go around that. You can have all the bells and whistles, do the whole ceremony, commit yourselves to one another, have a big party, and celebrate your commitment.
So, is it truly just a piece of paper? What is it that makes the act of marriage so unique? Is it purely a religious thing? If that's the case, what's to be said about folks who aren't religious and marry. Is it an "ownership" thing? After all, back in the day that's kinda how it was. A woman was "betrothed" to her husband, like property through the act of marriage.
A lot to take in.
Can you commit your entire life to someone, good times and bad, sickness and health, without actually getting "married" in the eyes of the law? What do you guys think?
I'm not married, but I'm in a paperless marriage as well. We've been together almost 6 years, have lived together for 5 and bought a house together a couple of years ago. I honestly don't think there's a difference between what we're doing and if we were actually married. We wouldn't be doing anything different.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why I'm not married right now is because I wouldn't have time to plan a wedding. Between working 50 hours a week and attending my MBA program full-time, I'm too busy. I would LOVE to get married soon though, and we have talked about it.
Personally? Society standards and guidelines on issues of marriage have changed ALOT since the Bible days, 2000-something years later.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely a gray area but I think if you're not "legally" married...but try to live the best way through the guidelines that Christ wrote out for us...I think in the end, all that will matter is if we did our best to live by his teachings, not whether or not the marriage was on a piece of paper.
That's sort of my perspective. To me, the reason there's so many quickie divorces nowadays is we live in an era where it's "all about me me me" and that's whats glamorized in our media. When in fact, marriage isn't "me me me" but "us us us". So many sadly fail to realize that marriage takes work AFTER the glamorous wedding :/
I have to admit... I honestly feel a marriage isn't the same commitment without that piece of paper. I used to think it didn't make a difference until my husband and I went through a separation and have rebuilt our marriage. I think things could have ended very differently if it hadn't been for that legal bond that forced us to slow down and think about what was happening for us. I can't really explain it, but there IS something different to me about taking that very last step.
ReplyDeleteI think you easily could commit without marriage. All a marriage is, is a piece of paper, really. Although, marriage to me is incredibly sacred and beautiful. To have someone love you so much that they buy you a diamond and make it EXTRA expensive to "break up" with you AND share EVERYTHING with you for the rest of your lives is one of the most incredible things anyone can be blessed with.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on this are... The legality of marriage does make a difference. Knowing that I stood before God and my family/friends and professed my love does mean something. It doesn't mean my marriage is going to last or that it's going to be easy, but if means much more than just living with Bryan would. Also, I'm all for living together and not getting married. I truly don't believe one should get married if they don't think it's for them. BUT I believe strongly that if you want to be a parent, your children should be welcomed into this world with two married parents. I don't judge those who are not married with kids, hell, one of my best friends made that choice. But it doesn't mean I believe it's in the best interest of the child. It's definitely an interesting topic, that's for sure! :)
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteThis is a topic I've struggled with a lot over the years - and this is where I've come to with it.
I am now married to a man who, like Enrique Iglesias, has parents who are divorced. In fact his parents' legal marriage lasted only a couple of years whereas his mother's subsequent "paperless marriage" with his stepfather lasted 20 years. With that record, I could see how he might not place much value on the act of getting married.
I identify as a Christian and I think the act of getting married in a public ceremony with prayer (I'm not going to say "before God" simply because I think that everything we do is done before God. He doesn't go away) and your friends is a beautiful ritual and can be a very powerful experience - but it is just a ritual.
The real commitment that needs to be made in order to make a marriage last is declared at that moment but not necessarily made in that moment.
I see parallels between a marriage ceremony and a baptismal ceremony. Before I was baptized (at 22, yes I'm a weird Christian), I had already committed to Christ. The minister who baptized me interviewed me before to ensure that was the case. The act of baptism was not when God found out I was His. It's just when I declared it to the people around me.
It was a beautiful, powerful experience that I would recommend to anybody, but if I'd skipped it due to whatever reason, God would still know of my commitment.
Similarly with marriage, I think it's great to do a ceremony. The decision to spend a life with someone through good times and bad and then stick around while one of you dies is a big deal and worth celebrating; and the piece of paper makes the relationship legal and recognized everywhere. It also makes it so much easier to describe your relationship to people (husband and wife carry much more social weight than boyfriend and girlfriend).
I'm very glad we did it.
I just think that the celebration is separate from the commitment. Getting legally and religiously married doesn't guarantee a relationship, or make it real, or fix it by making it all okay with God (someone told me it did once). It just makes everyone know you're committed.
Just my thoughts. Your mileage may vary.