It has been an incredible couple days.
I started out writing a blog in absolute frustration, hurt, and anger...revealing every dirty detail of WHY the relationship with J & I came to an end and all of the things he did to betray me. I even gave one of his pictures the Perez Hilton treatment. Great therapy ladies. Try it next time. I am always exhausted of protecting someone who never protected me. I am always annoyed with considering the feelings of those who clearly do not consider mine. In comes God.
On Friday, I was working in Jacksonville and on the way up I did a lot of thinking, reflecting, and talking to God. This is one of the main reasons I just love to drive. For hours. And hours. Some people can't do it, but it's not uncommon for me to just get in the car and take a drive to Atlanta or the mountains or the beach or somewhere distant. It can be so healing. I did a lot of reflecting on the memories. Listening to music that brought the two of us together. On those nights when we were young, staying up and listening to Delilah, holding each other and pretending it was never going to end. Good, loving memories. It gave me peace reminding myself of those times versus the person I'm dealing with (or not dealing with) now. I did my work for the day and headed home. Something came over me where I started feeling so incredibly grateful that I knew God had a love for me in store far greater than I could ever imagine. The love I felt for J was something I could never fathom losing. Something I could never fathom experiencing with anyone else. It was life changing. It was self discovering. It was just love, but it wasn't meant to be. God didn't allow him to stay. He removed J from my life not only for protection but because of His ultimate plan for me. If the love I felt for J was that incredible, I thought to myself...I can only imagine the love I'll feel for the one God has held onto for me my entire life. How awesome to know that is out there and that it will actually be reciprocated. I felt an immense sense of peace, happiness, and serenity at this thought. He was covering me with love on purpose. Instilling in me these positive emotions for what I was going to face when I headed home.
Now, I don't know if God exactly advocates partaking of the alcohol, but something also told me to pick up some Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey and boy am I glad I did.
I came home, spent some time with my family, watched some TV with them, and went on the 'ole book of face. There right before my eyes was a picture of J and his ex, the one he cheated on me with. Together. Again. Honestly guys, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I laughed. I was shocked, stunned, but not. I saw this coming and I knew for many, many months what was going on behind my back. A woman's intuition is strong and my gut was telling me what I already knew. I was waiting for this to happen and it did. I talked to a good friend about it for about an hour (Thanks Erin!) and after we hung up I still just sat stunned.
How could someone who has been a part of my life for so long do this to me? This person I thought to be above all, my very best friend. The person who knew me better than anyone else. I thought I knew him better than anyone else. It turns out I didn't know him at all. I tell myself, I should have known. He did this to her before (with someone else) and now did it to me. I guess we all want to think we are the exception, not the rule. I wanted to think somehow I was different. Because of our history, all we had been through, and the respect, care, and love I thought we had for each other, I never could have dreamed this would have happened. But, it did.
One of his sisters called me as soon as she saw it on Facebook, absolutely floored. Disgusted. Disappointed. We talked for a very long time. I cried. I cried at the notion I could care about someone so much who blatantly disregarded my feelings and who had no respect for me whatsoever. I cried because I'm now watching someone walk down a path of destruction that is painful to see. Regardless of the hurt, regardless of the lies, regardless of how little he cares...I reflect back to the real J. The one I once knew. The one who would have never done these things. The one who would never be making these bad choices. I know I shouldn't care. I shouldn't give a damn. He doesn't deserve my concern in any way, but having someone in your life for so long, doesn't make it easy (for me) to just throw all of the memories, all of the emotion, and all of the care away. It's just sad to see someone you shared incredible, happy moments with turn into someone so broken and shattered. It's sad to know the hole in his life can only be filled by God and he's just not there. I can't imagine going through the motions of life without my faith. You want it so badly for someone. You want to make them see. You want save them. You can't. It is not in my control. It must be surrendered to God. It is in God's hands. It is not my burden to bear.
Yesterday, I slept in far too late due to the time change and missed Church. I was super bummed. I found out my friend Alicia was in town from Colorado and quickly sped over to enjoy some much needed girl time. We talked about our Mexican adventures, the woes of Facebook, and where God was taking us. We had a drink. We played Scattagories. Later, we went to a trendy, hip youth Church service which was just what I needed. There's something about being close to God in worship that just pulls you in. It's like you're being held in His arms. All feels right in the world and when you leave, you feel blanketed in comfort.
I sped home to watch Army Wives (can't miss it!) and at the end, they played the song I have below. I find it so fitting to how I feel.
A few days ago I posted how there are people in our lives who change everything. Without them, our lives would be entirely different. I was celebrating that regardless of this pain and the outcome, I was so incredibly thankful God put him in my life for a reason. To teach me incredible things about myself I might have never understood otherwise. This song reminds me to hold on to the souvenirs, the memories, the good times, the happy. As painful as this situation is and the incredible betrayal I feel, I will hold those memories close in my heart and cherish them forever. Knowing they had a purpose. They helped me grow. They helped me learn who I was. They helped me feel love. They helped me realize my worth. In truth, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wouldn't do it over. I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't wish it away. If all of this pain I'm having to go through gave me those memories, it was well worth it.