"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4
Two years ago today, I lost the precious baby beginning to grow inside of me. It feels at times like it was forever ago because life has changed so much. At the same time, it feels as if just happened yesterday.
I've shared my infertility story, how we got pregnant, and what happened when we lost the baby. If you're curious, check this time two years ago in my blog history.
I wish I could say some inspirational thoughts about it. That I was healed. That I'm comforted knowing my baby is with Jesus. I can't.
It's true that in my toughest moments, I envision my baby girl (or baby boy) in the light of Heaven, smiling, laughing, and with my Heavenly Father. It gives me peace knowing I have an incredibly special angel watching over me, telling me "Mommy, everything will be okay."
Because of my faith, I fully believe God will reunite me with my child when I get to Heaven. I believe for whatever reason, God was protecting my child and I. I have to have faith or everything seems hopeless.
It's incredible how much pain a woman experiences by having a miscarriage. Life goes on for everyone else. People think you should be over it by now. People who haven't walked in those shoes can't wrap their heads around the pain and therefore sometimes make less of it. It kills people. It kills.
I was watching Giuliana and Bill today and it just so happened that the episode of them dealing with their loss after IVF was on. She had told no one, not even her best friend. When she did, it was a while after her loss and she felt the same feelings I have felt at one time or currently. Time had passed, yet she admitted she still cried. She thought for a while she had done something wrong. She felt her and her husband were being punished and couldn't understand why. Her husband wanted her to "jump back on the horse" and try again, but she just couldn't bring herself to after the emotional wreckage she had been put through. It's scary.
I often wonder how my life would be if the baby had survived. I have always felt that I was born to be a wife and mother. It's in my natural instinct to care and nurture things. I feel in such a comfort zone when I am holding a baby or playing with a toddler. I'm so ready for my time to come, though I know it won't be anytime soon. I know that when my time comes, when I'm with the man who will care and provide for me and love me the way I am to be loved, it will be an incredible gift that I could never have imagined. I have faith knowing that God has a man so incredible for me and a family planned in my future. I can picture the family photo in my head and preview those happy moments. That's what keeps me going.
I am thankful for all the support everyone has shown me over the past couple years in person and through my blog. I am really grateful for those who have not told me (or through others) to "get over it." I'm thankful for the friends who may have never been through it themselves, but have always been supportive and as understanding as possible. Not an easy task I know.
Today, I have to do a trial run babysit with a 3 month old. Why I agreed to do it on this day I have no idea. It's really going to be tough. Please pray for me today so I can feel your prayers and have the strength to keep going. It would mean everything to me.