Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse
I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...
You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off…
And in totally unrelated news, check out my Ustream Channel for all of my Scentsy LIVE streams. I'll be having one this Saturday night @ 9pm EST. Password to access recorded and live shows is: scentsy
I am absolutely in love with the Duchess of York. I absolutely love her. I was so excited to hear that Oprah was giving her a show on her new network, OWN. I think she is absolutely fascinating (don't we all have some freaky fascination with The Royals??). I had thought I set my DVR to catch all of her episodes but as I was strolling my channels, I realized I hadn't. I'm watching her second episode now and I just love her courage. I love that she had it all. A husband who apparently adored her, endless amounts of wealth, two beautiful girls, and being a member of The Royal Family. Then, she lost it all and to make it even worse, she attempted to sell out access to her husband for 500,000 pounds. I admire her strength, her courage, and her willingness to admit wrong. I love watching her re-build her life, explore the depths of her past, and rise from the ashes. I am LOVING "Finding Sarah."
I'm loving my girl Kate @ Every Mile A Memory brought me a serious stash of Cheerwine. In a little over a week, I've downed all of the regular and am slowly swallowing the Diet. Not a fan of the Diet, but it will do when you're out :)
I'm loving that one of my most special friends is soon to be engaged. I can't wait to celebrate this momentous occasion with her and help her plan the day of her dreams. It couldn't happen to a more special person and I just might have a meltdown when it does and a blubber fest at her wedding. I'm already planning my toast.
On the flip, I'm honestly so stinking happy Romeo & his chick broke up for what SEEMS to be the last time. CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH...AMEN...PRAISE JESUS??? I mean seriously, ya'll know I'd had enough. What makes me the happiest is that he is happier. He sounds like the old Romeo.
What I'm NOT loving...
That I started searching for places in DC, just out of curiosity, and my fears of having difficulty finding someone to accept a dog is coming true. Granted, I have no intention on moving for 6 months to a year, but still...that's SO not good.
I'm not loving that today, I'm going to the social security office to make it official. REALLY OFFICIAL. I'll no longer be Mrs. P. I've delayed this and delayed it for almost 3 months now. This is the last thing I have to do to before what feels like an erasure of my past. I know it isn't, but it feels like it. Some may congratulate me, applaud me, and encourage me that this is a step in the RIGHT direction. A step to re-claiming myself, but it just feels like pain to me.
So, over 3 months ago I created this post. I put it up for a mere 20 minutes, had my husband read it, and subsequently took it down because he ridiculed it all. I was pretty hurt by it and since shortly after we ended up divorced, I had no desire to re-post something dealing with marriage and weddings. Now, I'm really wanting to re-post it since I know so many of my girlie blog follower friends love reading stuff like this.
Now, a lot of these plans/ideas were circumstantial to my hopes of a wedding with M. Will I still want the EXACT SAME RING he had made for me (and ultimately had to return), probably not. Will my future wedding take place at the same vineyard I had hoped our wedding would? Who knows? None the less, I think you guys will all get the point of the kind of things I love :)
I'm in a fun mood. I want to blog about something super happy and super exciting.
Many of you who have been following me from day one know that my husband and I never had a real wedding. It's been a massive area of discontent for me. I was a wedding planner in Orlando for a few years. I searched through wedding magazines in high school to find the perfect dress. I joined The Knot in high school too or perhaps even middle school. Weddings are my life. I love them. I love the romance of it all. So, to not have one was a huge blow to me. As a military spouse, I chocked it up as another sacrifice that had to be made and that SOMEDAY I'd be given the chance to have the wedding of my dreams. It's still up in the air as to whether or not that will happen, but I can hope.
I'm feeling creative, so I figured I'd share with you all some of the many ideas I have for my dream wedding. Not all of them are realistic and not all of them would go together, but none the less...here they are.
PS. I haven't decided whether I'd do a spring wedding like Cape Cod/Lilly Pulitzer themed or an Autumn wedding in a vineyard with crimsons and oranges and natural greens. Hence the reason for the varying types of design.
Today, June 27th is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Awareness Day.
Over one MILLION men and women have now served in Iraq & Afghanistan.
“As he gazed around him the youth felt a flash of astonishment at the blue, pure sky and the sun gleaming on the trees and fields. It was surprising that Nature had gone tranquilly on with her golden process in the midst of so much devilment.” - Red Badge of Courage
For those of you who have read my blog for some time, you know my ex-husband suffered from PTSD. If you want to read the start of our downfall, you can start in May 2010. Obviously, it made his life extremely painful and in turn, affected me negatively as well. You can read books, listen to other seasoned military spouses, and think your spouse is immune. You can also end up very, very wrong as I was. When I speak of my experience with my ex husbands PTSD, in no way am I trying to scare the readers of mine who have husbands and boyfriends deployed. But, the truth is that the point of days like this is to raise awareness and not pretend that PTSD doesn't exist.
"In my dreams I hear again the crash of guns, the rattle of musketry, the strange, mournful mutter of the battlefield." ~ Douglas MacArthur
The National Center for PTSD, established through the VA has incredible resources available to both military families, service members, and civilians alike. If you're an employer who hires vets, there is an education course "PTSD 101" you can take online to give you the information you need on PTSD. This course can be found here. Also on the website are videos of service members explaining their experiences overseas and subsequent PTSD diagnosis, which can be very eye opening.
"There is disconnection between everything human and what has to be done in combat. Imagine being in an unimaginable situation and having to do the unthinkable" ~PTSD: A Soldier's Perspective
There are also many, many documentaries you can watch on Netflix, Snag Films, or Frontline on PBS. Some that I have seen and recommend are:
*Brothers at War
*21 Days to Baghdad
*The Way We Get By
*Baghdad Bound: Devil Dog Diaries
*When I Came Home
Some helpful books on the topic of military life, PTSD, etc. are:
Down Range: To Iraq and Back by Chuck Dean
Courage After Fire by Keith Armstrong
After the War Zone by Matthew J Friedmen, PhD
Today is all about awareness. About understanding. About recognizing.
Our service men and women take on exceptional challenges, as do their families. They bare a heavy, heavy burden that we can never fully understand. They are trained to kill, trained to move on and "forget," and that showing emotion is not part of being a soldier. They have a job to do and their minds MUST stay clear and focused at all times. For the safety of themselves and their brother next to them. They are asked to do things nobody should ever have to. They hear things, see things, and smell things they can never erase. I'll never forget M's vivid memories of the "stench" of Iraq. He said it smelled like rotten sewage 24/7.
I'll be wearing this ribbon at work today in honor of M and all the other service members and families affected by PTSD. It's an invisible war injury that most cannot see. Because of this, many people don't realize they probably know someone who has served and has it. There are lots of varying facts, but more service members have committed suicide this year from PTSD than have died in the wars. As of today, there have been 6,041 deaths from war related incidents. PTSD has claimed MORE than that number. TRAGEDY.
Please stand with me today and share some blog space, Twitter time, or Facebook statuses about PTSD. Show your support for those affected by this horrible disorder.
"Outstanding people have one thing in common: an absolute sense of mission" ~ Zig Ziglar (one of my most favorite people)
This past weekend brought me lots of fun, but also a lot of time to think and reflect. I drove through some of the most beautiful and rural parts of the South. Being surrounded by mountains in the Shenandoah Valley was breathtaking. I've done LOTS of road tripping and I don't remember ever driving entirely through the valley. I'm someone who ponders things often and takes lots of time to think things through. This is why I love, love, love driving long distances. Some people think I'm insane, but I've made it from Orlando, FL to DC all alone in one fail swoop once. M&I drove from DC to Central TX in a straight shot too. Barely, but we did.
This trip, I realized how thankful I am that I know God's plan for my life. Well, maybe not all of it...but a general idea. I know some people are toiling over what they are supposed to do, where they are supposed to go, and what is intended for their lives. I know for certain, where God wants me to be and why. To me, that's a pretty incredible gift that I am really thankful for.
I fully believe God has a place for me in DC. I was once there, got side tracked, and now am having to work hard to get back. Nothing comes easily and God teaches through trials, so somehow I believe this was all part of the plan. I know once I'm back there for good, everything will start falling into place and I'll start seeing my life come together. Not saying it will be easy, and that I won't still experience trials and disappointments...but I have an insane amount of comfort in this clarity. I don't think I've ever experienced something like it before. The only thing that comes close is when I finally gave up my worries of infertility to God after struggling for so many years. I ended up having a miscarriage even after and that "clarity" was challenged, but I firmly believe in my heart God also has that area of my life covered as well. I know it will be more than I could ever have imagined once the proper time arrives.
Have you all ever had an insane moment of clarity? Have you spent many nights, months, or even years praying for an "aha!" moment?
If you missed Part One of my favorite travels, you can check them out here. Once I get the final one posted, I'll be diving in and sharing more pictures and memories with you all :) For this edition, here's some of my faves from Upstate NY & NYC <3
Taughannock Falls ~ Ithaca, NY
Enjoying vino on the Seneca Wine Trail
Showing off my horrible golfing form @ the driving range
View from my Broadway Hotel
Waltzing through a snow covered Central Park, Starbucks in hand
Right now I could seriously use a GBF or a guy who wanted to be my bestest friend ever and not expect anything out of our relationship. Anyone else with me?
Like right now, I'm DYING for flowers @ work. Not to get attention...seriously. Just to have that fun, exciting feeling that someone is thinking about you and wants to make your cubicle pretty. I think I'm going to end up breaking down and hitting up Trader Joe's next week and supplying them myself. Lame.
I'm dying for my hair to be fiddled with and made pretty. If there's one thing I do miss about my uncle's partner, was his insane ability to make my hair look fabulous. I need a new colorist in Charlotte here ASAP. My last girl just didn't do it for me.
I need someone to come over on a Friday night, down a bottle of wine (or two, or three) with me and gossip about boys. And celebs. And ridiculous TV shows like The Bachelorette. Until 4 in the morning.
I'd love to have said GBF (or BFF) reassure me when I'm crying my eyes out after downing 2 bottles of wine at 4 am that I'm an insanely awesome catch and Mr. Right is on his way...and that GBF/BFF is going to help me find him.
I could use some Queer Eye for the Straight Guy style shopping for hot date/updating wardrobe advice.
I miss cooking for someone I'm in a relationship with. A GBF would fulfill that need.
I need to be silly, crazy, stupid. Get sloshed at a club. Sing at the top of my lungs at a concert. Cruise with the windows down jamming to MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice. Better yet New Kids on the Block. Or NSync. All with my GBF.
One of the reasons I had so much fun in DC, was that I did some of that awesomeness with SINGLE FRIENDS. I honestly don't think I have one single...single friend here in NC. SUCKY MCSUCKERSON. Do you know how it feels to be newly divorced, ready to take on the world, add some spice into your life, and enjoy living again...only to not have anyone to do that with?
So this past Sunday, I spent my day @ Congressional Golf & Country Club in Bethesda for the US Open. It was super thrilling to watch Rory McIlroy live and in person, as well as all of the other top golfers in the world. This is the outfit I wore to the Open. A whopping $60 spent, courtesy of Arden B & Old Navy ;-) Totally rocked it and turned a few heads ;-) Now I know what to wear to score a date. LOL. Something about that fedora...
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