Progress & Pain

So, part one of this entry is something I've been wanting to share for almost a week now. I just haven't the time.

I started seeing a therapist again here, actually one I saw many, many years ago. He's fabulous. Absolutely fantastic. Nothing bores or bothers me more than simply sitting in an office talking. I want work to be done.

In my last session (which also happens to be only my second) I was hypnotized. I know, before some of you freak out, hear me out. First, he asked me if I was okay with it, explained how it all worked, and reminded me it's nothing like what you see on TV. It completely wasn't. The purpose of it in my life, was to convince my mind that the painful, violent memories I have with my now ex husband, are no longer. They were part of the past and do not affect my future. They will not happen again and I do not have to live my life in fear, worry, or anxiousness. It worked like a charm.

I cannot explain to you how much better I felt after it was done. Honestly. This particular memory was horrid. It was the most terrifying of them all and one that in more ways than I realized, still had a massive grip on my life. Now, the memory is there but it is no longer a trigger. I no longer view it as a fear. It happened. I'm alive. It's over. It's really amazing.

It is supposed to be done for each memory I have but truthfully, after taking that out of the equation, all that is really left is just the "bland" memories of overall chaos, pain, anger, and violence. 

BUT...with all of that being said...I still get feelings of sadness over the loss of my marriage. More so, when dealing with the baby. November is a tough month for me. It was one of my favorites, but now it carries the burden of my Thanksgiving baby that never was. I should be planning a one year old birthday party. Planning themes. Sending out invites. Relishing in the fact my first born is celebrating his or her first birthday. What an incredible moment in life. But, it wasn't to be.

Last night was an "off night" for Romeo & I, which lead to me crying my eyes out next to him while he slept and contemplating every decision and every twist and turn my life had brought me. I'm supposed to be married. I'm supposed to be sleeping next to my husband. We're supposed to be happy. Our child is supposed to be in the other room. Sometimes it feels like some crazy dream/nightmare. I'll pinch myself and I'll be transported back in time and everything will be amazing. Truthfully, I know it was never amazing and everything that has happened, happened for a reason. As happy or as comfortable as I am in my current state, it's still something that pops in my head from time to time.

Don't get me wrong, I truly have no regrets. I didn't want to stay in a miserable, scary marriage. I wasn't being treated the way I deserved and wasn't going to spend my life that way. Never the less, I still feel robbed. To this day. I only wanted to be married once. I certainly did not want to ever experience losing a child. That's a pain I cannot describe and a pain that will never truly heal. As I was explaining to my therapist, even if I do go on to have a family of my own someday, in my mind, there should always be someone else at the table. Another big brother or big sister. There will always be someone missing.

It's also hard because I have nobody to help me remember the baby. I'm on my own. The other person who lived the joy and sorrow with me is no longer in my life. Not that it would do a whole lot of good anyway. It's not something I want to just randomly bring up to friends and family. After all, I really can't discuss it without being overcome with emotion. And Romeo, I'm sure he would have the best of intentions but in all fairness, he's never gotten a girl pregnant, never been married and divorced, and never had a girlfriend/wife lose their baby. He has no clue.

My therapist suggested writing a goodbye letter to the baby and in the moment, I said I would. I don't feel like goodbye is appropriate. Maybe I'm not ready to say goodbye, but I don't believe in goodbye. Baby P is with me always and always will be and someday, I will see him or her again. There is no need for goodbye.

In the mean time, I continue to make progress, and continue to have some pain. Such is life.

----

AND...it wouldn't be a Thursday without Goodnight Moon's link-up. So, here's my song for this week. It popped in my head as I was wallowing in my sorrows last night. An oldie from when Romeo & I had our breakup back in the day. LOL. Ignore whatever TV show is running in the video.