Silent Meltdown...

So...maybe I was a little too confident. 


I'm now in minor, full-blown panic about being back home. 


I'm being reminded about precisely WHY I didn't want to ever live here again in the first place.


95% of the time, I'm loving living with Romeo, but 5% of the time, I'm cringing and can't believe I'm sharing space with a man again. I've been in such rare form the past 24 hours, it's felt more like roommates than anything else. I hate that, because it's not his fault and puts such a wedge in between us. For some reason, I just can't help it.


Don't get me wrong, family is great, but I really enjoy being away from mine. I know, that sounds AWFUL. My family dynamic is just so overwhelming and crazy. 


I'm missing having my own place. I enjoyed my alone time. I can only imagine what Romeo is thinking too. It's a huge adjustment for him as well and it doesn't help Piper is going bananas 24/7. As much as I love her and can't imagine not having her around, she literally has 2 weeks to calm down or I'm going to have to give her up. I've gone to the vet, put her on tranquilizers at night, started giving her melatonin, and ordered her this diffuser the vet suggested we use. Today, I bought her a comfy crate/bed thing as that is my last resort. I've spent well over $300 on her in the past 2 weeks alone and I can't keep doing it without a job. I wake up every morning in a bad mood for having to get up in the middle of the night with her and sometimes, I have to just take her and go sleep in the other room without Romeo to appease her. It sucks and I really dislike what it's doing to our relationship. Truth be told, I have no real home here and I cannot jeopardize him telling me the living situation is not working because of my dog. I literally have no where else to go as my dad won't let me live with him either because they have 3 dogs already. For the 3 months before I moved home, I weened her off of sleeping with me and did exactly what I'm doing now, but for some reason it's just an absolute nightmare to her here.


My anxiety is just through the roof. I hate feeling panic-y all the time. Always worried about who I'm going to run into that I don't want to see and just feeling overwhelmed. 


The cherry on top today is that Romeo's sister is having a going away party. She is moving out of state (stoked for her!) and because they are all the same age and very close, 85% of his ex-girlfriends are invited. That pretty much changed my RSVP. I have absolutely NO desire to be around a handful of girls from his past he has slept with. I just don't. It's her party and she can invite who she wants, I'm not mad, but I just cannot do that. It would be one thing if we were both vocal about our relationship and really concrete with being together, but even though we are living together most of the time, we really aren't 1000% official. Sure, neither of us is dating anyone else but it's just not to the "Hey everyone, look at us all lovey with one another" place yet. I know I should email her and let her know my reasoning's, but it's so hard to explain anxiety to someone and how it really deeply impacts your life. It has nothing to do with being jealous, after all he DOES come home to me every night, but I just don't feel like I should have to be put in that situation.


Anyway, please pray for God to calm my heart, my nerves, and my fears. Pray He opens a door for a career and pray He makes my path straight. I need to know where I need to be.