It's time for some serious honesty. I know I've already admitted I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm also really fed up.
You either love someone with all you have or you don't.
Is it possible to do so and it just not be enough?
I have NO IDEA why Romeo & I are so wonderful together, yet it is the most complex, complicated, stressful situation on the planet. It's not supposed to be that way, but I also know nothing comes easy and after all we've been through in the past, I shouldn't expect to get a free pass now.
It's easy for me to love him. I have for as long as I can remember. Yet for him, it's one of the hardest things in the world...in a way. He does, but it only is vocalized after a few drinks of liquid courage or "You know I love you" moments. It's never just said and I wouldn't dare say it to him either because I wouldn't hear it back. It's the dumbest thing ever. One minute around us and you can see it for yourself. If you're blind, you can feel it.
We've never been boyfriend/girlfriend. He can ask if I want to look at rings, call me the future Mrs. Romeo, introduce me as his "girl" to everyone, and ask me to move in with him, but God forbid we make things official or have a title. It's so entirely frustrating. Do I say we're dating? Do I say we're together? Do I say we're seeing each other? Or are we just a crazy form of friends? It's so stupid. And you want to know why it's so frustrating? Because this all happened when we were 19 and it's happening again 7 years later. The very thing I swore up and down would never happen to me with him again. The very thing I told him I would not allow and if he did it again, I'd be done for good. How many times can I ask him to be serious and not talk about our future together unless he is 1000% sure? Asking me to look at rings and sending me one while I'm at work is SO not okay.
He is so ass backwards. We know each other better than anyone else on the planet. We're each other's best friends. We can complete each other's sentences and know what each other is thinking before it is even said. Literally. Happens all the time. Yet for some reason, I'm the girl in his life he can't say I love you to and can't make his girlfriend officially. Huh? How can I not be confused? I know without a shadow of a doubt his feelings for me, as crazy as that may sound to some of you. It pains me to know his past might be getting in the way of his future once again. It also pains me he might allow one of his imbecile family members to cause him to make the biggest mistake of his life.
I've mentioned it before (I think), but in a nutshell...his half (and much older) brother and I hate each other. Oil & Water. Fire & Rain. Yankees & Red Sox. We absolutely do not get along. I am all for putting it in the past and moving on with life, for the better of everyone in the family who has already gotten over all of the grievances. It is insanely important to him this is accomplished. Today, was a huge step for me in that direction. I wrote him an email, asking him to put things behind us for the sake of everyone. Denied. He went off and told Romeo a bunch of madness BS. How he doesn't hate anyone in this world, but he hates me. He hopes he never has to see me again. Wow. Pretty mature words coming from someone twice my age who is a "pseudo" husband and father. The sad thing is, he really is a terrible person. I mean, don't get me wrong...we all have our bad sides but he's not someone you'd want in your corner. He has a reputation and not a good one. So it doesn't bother me because he's not someone I really want in my life, but with Romeo...it's a package deal. Without bro's stamp of approval or putting our 7 year drama fest behind us...we're not going anywhere. The rest of my life isn't worth leaving it to someone else to determine. Someone who really doesn't matter. Romeo's dad offered to step in and intervene if bro didn't come around, but at this point, I don't think it matters. His dad is going through enough. I always said, if there's one reason in this world Romeo & I will never be, it's his brother. That. Makes. Me. Sick. Don't get me wrong, Romeo could SO step up and say "tough cookies" but deep down inside, it will still eat at him that his only brother HATES the woman he is with. What else can I do? Such a helpless feeling.
It's apparently too much to ask for someone to just. simply. love. you. No if's, and's, or but's about it.
Patience is a virtue and normally, I don't have it. In coming to Orlando, I knew I'd have to have it with him and because he means so much to me, it's been fine. He was in a serious relationship that was hard on him. Back and forth. Up and down. It ended several months ago. I get it and wasn't putting any expectations or pressures on him for anything. BUT...I can't do the merry go round. I can't do the one minute loving each other, kisses before bed, cuddles and quality time, to having the rug pulled out from under me and spend a solid 5 hours crying my eyes out as I did today. I can't do the knowing you want to spend your life with me, to flipping the angry/distant switch. I can read him so well and I know behind it all is fear. I can love with all that I am and never look back. Never have doubts. Never have questions. He starts to, then quickly realizes he's losing control of himself. Merry go round.
I'm a smart girl. I know things don't come easy and you sometimes have to fight for the ones and things you love. I know sometimes you have to stand by and endure some heartache for the end result you're desiring. I want to be strong, knowing what I know about him, understanding who he is, and be there in the end with him. I've wanted that since I was 19 and knew he was leaving for college. But truthfully, I just can't.
I am SUCH a different person now for having endured a painful marriage to someone suffering with the wounds of war, losing a child I loved before ever having the chance to meet them, and being in a place I never thought I'd be. My perspective on what is important has changed. Entirely. Along with that, I don't have patience for someone who can't also appreciate the things standing before them, recognize them, and fight to keep them close.
I'm trying hard not to make decisions with hurt feelings and an angry heart. That's never a good idea. However, the past couple days have jolted me and made me think I should at least start considering a future back in DC again. So, for the rest of this week and weekend I will be applying for jobs in DC. Maybe it's meant to be, maybe it's not. I have to try.
In funny/awesome news...I've been missing my iPod for going on 7 months now. The last time I saw it, was under my bed in Charlotte back in February. Literally. It's been driving me absolutely bonkers having ZERO IDEA where in the heck it went. I don't lose things like that. EVER. Tonight, I grabbed a re-usable grocery bag I borrowed from my mom since getting here that I filled with shoes, Scentsy shipments, and other things from J's house. I go out to the car to get my charger and low and behold, there's my missing iPod. WTF? I mean literally, insane. So, tonight I took a drive and one of the features I hate is the "shake it to shuffle it" thing. I was enjoying reminding myself about God's love for me and listening to "Beautiful" by MercyMe, when it knocked to the floor, shuffled and this song came on. It's significant to me because this song was precisely how I felt when I was going through this with Romeo 7 years ago. It helped me make my decisions to hang on, let go, and move on. I love it.
I'm sorry things aren't going well for you. I've been in similar situations, and they're so hard. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWow Shannon! I have definitely heard this story before and experienced it a time or two. You and Romeo need to really have a serious talk, and how serious can it be when you two already feel like you know what the other person is going to say. You need a mediator, someone who is able to look at both of you as strangers and tell you exactly what Romeo wants you to know and too timid to tell you and what you need to verbally speak to him that you may not want to say in a way that could be stressful for him to hear. Ignore his brother, as easy as that was for me to type I know it will be hard to do. The less attention you give his brother, and not vent about him to Romeo the more Romeo will notice on his own where his brother is wrong. Always be the positive person, you don't have to try with him for he is not the person you will be spending your days with. He is what I called the "occasion person" in your life. Show Romeo you're positive and that you are not the problem. Everything will work out I promise, just only focus on what you can change about and for yourself so that YOU wont suffer from anoyone elses action.
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