I was talking to another member of the First Wives Club tonight and our emotions can often be completely misinterpreted. We've been scarred beyond belief. Thinking you've found Mr. Right, committing your life to him, and then going through an ugly, disgusting divorce...it's hell. We wouldn't wish it on anyone. It makes you cynical, guarded, and scared. Naturally, when someone announces their engaged, getting married, or having a baby...it stings a little bit. It reminds you of what you once had and no longer do as well as what you can't have. If someone tells you it doesn't bother them in the least bit, they're lying. It also makes you cautious and concerned for your friend. You can't help it. You know how much it hurt you and you cringe at the notion that someday, they could be going through what you've had to endure. Of course, they might not but it's still scary.
For me, the baby thing has an extra sting. It's REALLY what I should have. I was pregnant. I should have a baby. I don't. I realize it's "okay" because I'm no longer with my husband and it would have been extremely hard raising our child alone. It still just isn't easy to swallow.
Sure, I know...I know...my time will come. It will be better than I could have imagined. I know. I realize that, but it doesn't make that sting go away.
People often misinterpret these emotions/feelings as jealousy. It really isn't. Truthfully, I don't want to be married right now. I obviously also don't want to be pregnant right now either. Would it be nice to have Mr. Right in my life right now making life much simpler? Sure. But, I honestly don't envy anyone because it's not where I want to be in my life right now. I can appreciate it for them, relish that their time has come, and know mine will eventually.
Truthfully, it's easier for me to be happy for some than it is for others. My stranger co-worker who I don't know and is having an office baby shower? Nah. A sweet girl from my Meetup group who has a presh husband, has had a rough pregnancy, and seems to be a good friend? Yeah. One of my most incredible friends who has been through hell and back with me and is going to be an incredible wife? Yeah. You see where I'm going. I can be elated and genuinely over the moon for someone and others, not so much. It is what it is.
Anyway, I trust God's plan for my life even when I don't really understand. Even when I doubt it. Even when I'm confused on which direction to go. Even when I feel cynical about it all. My time will come, but for now it's about celebrating others.
PS. If you're here for the Christmas in July Giveaway Hop...WELCOME! Be sure to click the link at the top of the page to enter my Scentsy giveaway :)
I can so so so so so relate to this post!!!!
ReplyDeleteEspecially this part:
"Truthfully, it's easier for me to be happy for some than it is for others. My stranger co-worker who I don't know and is having an office baby shower? Nah. A sweet girl from my Meetup group who has a presh husband, has had a rough pregnancy, and seems to be a good friend? Yeah. One of my most incredible friends who has been through hell and back with me and is going to be an incredible wife? Yeah. You see where I'm going. I can be elated and genuinely over the moon for someone and others, not so much. It is what it is."
I am very much that way, and I never felt bad about it. Some announcements are easy to take and be excited for them, like my SIL who I am very close to told me last year they were pregnant. And other people, I just thought "why???" and then would cry about it!
You are SO real, and that is what I really like about you! I lost RL friends last year because I was very real on my blog... I never stopped though, and I hope you never do either!
xoxoxo