Today was one of my long awaited therapy sessions I always look forward to. If I could go two or three times a week, I would. I really, really miss using TRICARE's TRIAP program, which was 24/7 web based counseling. If anyone knows of a service like that, PLEASE let me know. It helped so much to be able to chat with someone anytime you needed.
Anyway, today we talked about my new job, how hard Memorial Day weekend was for me, and who to allow in this next stage of my life.
I'll confess. I e-mailed M last Saturday. Alcohol may or may not have been involved :-/ But, it's the first time (and only) I've contacted him since our divorce was finalized in March. It was very short and to the point. I didn't get emotional or say anything crazy. I told him I was thinking about him since it was Memorial Day weekend, I was thankful for his sacrifice to our country, I would never forget, and I would continue to pray for his healing. Like 3 sentences. It was just something I felt lead to do. I knew I wouldn't get (nor did I want) a response back, but it helped me put a little more closure on things. I have an insane need to make everything smooth, calm, and peaceful. Even the most unsettling, chaotic situations. I've been reminded it cannot always be that way, but still somehow I try.
Dr. C didn't like this very much. I almost felt like I was being sent to time out or something because of it. Obviously, she's a professional and she's right. She pointed out that my e-mail could have been mis-interpreted. It potentially could have opened the door instead of closed it. Oops. She reminded me that I'm now starting on a new path in life. Just a week or so ago, everything was very uncertain. Would I stay in NC or go back to FL? Did I have a job or didn't I? I now have all of that solved so I'm on the right track. Why invite negativity in my life after falling off the horse and getting back on? Not good Shannon. Not a good time to make a decision like that. BUT...I truly had no ulterior motives except what could be considered my own selfish desire to say my piece and lift some weight off of my shoulders. TRULY.
So, the gate.
I'm now in a position to allow people in or to not. I mean, I've always been but now is really important. I'm starting on a new, positive journey. I have many, many wounds that need to heal which will take time. Now is not the time to be taking on additional stresses or try to burden myself with other people's issues. Time to focus on me.
I'm going to do my best at sticking by that. People will just have to understand. I have been through so much over the past couple years, much of it feeling fairly alone. I've had friends turn their backs on me. People misunderstand me. Lies spread about me. Judgments passed down on me. Gone with it all! Either you're in or you're out and if you're in...you're 1000% in. Eventually, I'll be the friend who can sit and listen to your daily back and forth of breaking up or staying together. Right now, nope.
Right now, it's about me.