Going through what I've gone through in the past couple years, it's all making me question what exactly I want out of life. I've always been 100% certain. I wanted my education, I wanted to own my own business (preferably in wedding & event coordination), I wanted to be a wife, I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to live in DC, and retire early on a boat and float away forever. Having put my life and my dreams on hold to support M's military career was something I was totally okay with since in turn it equaled love and happiness. Well, it was supposed to. Plus, I knew it was only temporary since he wasn't re-upping after his first contract was up. Making that decision was quite possibly the worst thing I have ever done. It's not that I entirely regret being married to M or having to go through what I've gone through. I just look back at my life then and think how different it would have been. I was on a straight path for happiness and success. But, I went with my heart which is why I can't regret that decision.
Now that I'm on this new, rough, rocky path I find myself questioning EVERYTHING.
What is it that I TRULY want?
I accepted a nanny position last weekend, on the terms I'd have a 30 day probationary period. One long weekend in and a 12 hour shift and I knew there was no way in heck I could do it. I've come to the conclusion my days of caring for children are over. I don't have the energy anymore and I've been in EXCRUCIATING pain since Monday. Sitting on the floor all day and holding a newborn is too much. I talked to my mom a few days ago about it and she reminded me that after I had my miscarriage, I said I wouldn't nanny again. Makes sense. Emotionally it is exhausting. So, I told the family this week I just can't do it.
I started wondering whether or not I should just go back home to Florida for a while to refresh my batteries and be around people I love who love me. This has always been a last resort for me as I feel my time in Florida is done. Great place to visit but not to live. I fought super hard to pack up with a couple hundred borrowed dollars and move to DC before I married M. It's where I felt I was being called and where I saw my future. I want nothing more than to get back there as soon as possible. If only I had never left :(
Anyway, I am *DYING* for adult interaction. Having spent the last couple years as a nanny, you don't get out much. To me, an office job would be EXACTLY what I'm looking for. Marketing and business are two of my professional passions. I interviewed today for a booking position at a marketing firm 15 minutes from my house. It's entry level and the pay is sub-par from what I'm used to, but it could be just what I need to maintain my sanity. I'll take sanity over financial abundance right now. I should find out on Monday whether or not I am going to get that position. If not, I'll be heavily considering leaving NC and going back to FL. I'm tired of fighting.
In the long run, I'm still trying to put the pieces together as far as what I want from life. I know I want to help people. I know I want to make an impact. I know I want to own my own business. I love the military community. I'm passionate about domestic violence issues. I love writing. I need some clarity. One thing I know for sure is I need to be back in DC next year. I hope and pray a year from now, I can look back on this blog and be stoked I made it happen.
Awww darling i'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this :( You know, i live in DC and let me tell you, there are so many job opportunities here. I love living here so much. This place is just so alive and people are so nice. You will be able to make some amazing friends here :)
ReplyDeleteand you will Shannon! be able to look at this post a year from now and give yourself credit and recognize how far you've come and succeeded, and the reason for that being is that you are still in movement. You keep moving forward, wondering what it is you are wanting in life, and not settling just because you are currently in a difficult situation. Sometime we look for answers and ask God to direct us, sometimes God let us experience difficult times like these so that we grow, experience people and different places, in order to mentally and physically prepare us for what he is intending on glorifying us with later. It's all about growing. Shannon you were suppose to leave Florida, you were suppose to fall in love with M, you were suppose learn about the military life for that's why now you love it so. Your experiences have brought you here to share your journey so that you could help us in return. Nothing is for nothing, but all is indeed for something!
ReplyDeleteLove you! Good luck with the interview! They would be smart to take you! :D
ReplyDeleteOn the working with children bit....I totally am feeling the same lately. I'm really questioning my career and realllly don't wanna work with kids anymore. They're sooo draining...and especially when they're not your own it makes all the hard work not really worth the energy drained feeling at the end of the day.
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