Ouch.

As I type this, tears are streaming down my face. Streaming is an understatement. Pouring. Flooding.


I've watched the National Memorial Day concert. Now, I'm watching it again. I'm stuck on it.


Ouch.


I'm reminded of the scene in E.T., where he touches Elliot's heart.


Ouch.


I can't easily explain my feelings. 98% of people won't understand. It's been EXACTLY 2 months since my divorce was finalized. How ironic. In some ways, it feels like an eternity. I think it feels that way because this experience has made me "age." It's made me grow in ways I never thought I could. I know it's supposed to, but never did I imagine being here. Literally. 


Divorce isn't fun for anyone. Regardless of the circumstances. It's not a happy experience. It carries wounds of it's own for a super long time. Being married to and subsequently going through a divorce with a Wounded Warrior, is even tougher. I've said it before but why this is so devastating to me, is because I feel like M never came back from Iraq. I feel like he died there. In no way am I comparing those feelings to someone who has actually experienced the death of their service member. So, please know that before anyone gets upset. But to me, he died there. The guy I knew for 10 years was not the guy who I started a life with in Texas. What makes that hard is the fact he DID come home. His body came home. His shell came home, but the inner him did not. Yes. My ex husband survived Iraq but did he really?


I have such amazing memories of a thoughtful man who was in Iraq. Even when he was there. In the midst of all of the chaos, he was still the gentle, sweet man I knew. I'll never forget. 


One of the hardest things is watching someone you love disappear. Transform into someone you know they aren't. Realize it's not by their own choice. See them realize what they are doing is wrong and get insanely frustrated with themselves. I shudder when I remember M smacking the wall and saying "Something is wrong with me!" Broke my heart and there wasn't much of anything I could do that I already wasn't.


So, for me Memorial Day has so many meanings. The true reason for this day is to honor, love, and remember those who died serving our country. It's not for service members who currently served or have served. That's what Veteran's Day is for. But, for me...since I feel so strongly I "lost" Michael to war, I also mourn that as well. Again, not taking away from Gold Star families at all. I really hope nobody views it that way. It's just so hard to express how this has made me feel.


Sometimes it feels like my life will never return to normal. I fear this is my new normal. I can't erase my marriage and divorce. I can't erase everything I experienced with M's PTSD. I can't erase the miscarriage and all of the rest. These past two years have become a part of my fiber. I've experienced a lot of painful events in my life, but for some reason...I really feel this will stick with me for life. 


I trust God has a plan for my pain. I know it will be used for purpose. I also know He has a plan to bring someone amazing into my life who will understand all of what makes me...me and appreciate even the tough stuff.


And, even though I made my Memorial Day post a few days ago...I want to acknowledge all of you reading this who have lost someone incredible in uniform. My heart aches for you today and my thoughts and prayers are ALWAYS with you.