I Hurt

This weekend has been super rough. It's amazing how one of those nightmares can totally ruin everything. If you didn't catch my blog entry about that, you can read it here.

Tonight, I hurt. A lot. I hurt for my ex husband and for what was our marriage. I'm sure some of you wonder how I could given what I've been through. Believe me, nights like this are very rare. 95% of the time, I'm marching on, feeling confident and knowing I did the right thing. Knowing the situation I was in wasn't good. Even though M hurt me in some incredible ways and subjected me to some bad moments, I do still somewhere have bits and pieces of love for him. Most the time I'm angry and know I deserved better. Then, I think of this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

Yeah.

I. FEEL. SO. ROBBED.

All pictures of a happy couple. A happy soldier. Before something went terribly wrong. 

I keep racking my brain trying to guess what in the world happened that changed everything. I know I'll never get the answer. I begged him to tell me what happened. What incident over there sent him over the edge. He had nothing to say. I know most the time it's a combination of factors, but I wish I just had one reason to say, "Okay. Yeah. I see that." Something to make sense of it all.

In those pictures, he had a light. He had a shine. A completely different look than how he was when he came home for good. I guess I kinda did too. I swear I never saw that same guy again. Even though he came home from deployment only 2 short months after those pictures were taken.

It's completely unfair. How could this happen?

It really is *interesting* to have all of these emotions run through your body. Thinking you made a mistake getting married in the first place. Then thinking you were truly in love and wanted to spend your life with this person. Being angry for all the hell he put you through, but remembering in the back of your mind the REAL him would have never. Then getting pissed off the REAL him went away and you didn't ask for that to happen. Then remembering all of the hurtful things he said to you, knowing he probably never really meant them. Remembering how it was to start this marriage with so much hope and promise only to have all of that completely and utterly shattered by something you both have no control over.

As I read more blogs, watch more videos, and learn more from others experiences...it all becomes even more real to me. Tonight, I sat in tears watching the mini documentary done on the story of Sgt Nate Helmuth and his wife Kristle which you can see here. I related almost entirely to everything she said. Down to when her husband lost control and pinned her down to the bed in a moment of rage. Yeah. Been there, done that. Sucks. Yet, even though I read all of these stories and hear of others who have been in my shoes, I feel completely isolated. Most of the women I come across (actually 100% of them) are still with their PTSD & TBI husbands. Evokes mixed feelings for me. Did I make the right decision? Why is it that everyone else stays? For me, I couldn't continue to subject myself to that danger. Even after we separated and had hopes of reconciliation, the behavior still hadn't changed. Not to mention, we just couldn't work through the damage that had already been done. I couldn't live the rest of my life walking on eggshells and dealing with a fire breathing dragon. I just couldn't.

I really, really wish there was a group, a resource, something for women dealing with the repercussions of leaving their wounded warriors. It's just not quite the same talking to those who stayed, though I do appreciate them and am glad to be able to identify with their stories. I know I'm not the only woman who has ever been down this road. My ex husband is not a bad man. He's not evil. He's not a bastard. He's been overcome by his experiences at war, fighting for our country, and came home a different person. He suffers with the invisible wounds of war, otherwise known as PTSD. Something he didn't ask for. A lot of people on the outside can't understand why I don't hate him and are confused at times by my back and forth emotions. I don't blame them. This whole situation is a serious mind screw.

I miss the good times. The happy stuff. The things we hoped we'd experience together. I know in time, everything will be just as it should. I know I'm already on my path to healing and things have gotten easier. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be at this present moment. It's just not where I thought I'd be.

I love love love Mr. Johnny Cash and this song popped in my head when I titled this blog entry. Pretty dark song but it's also pretty brillz.