Asking God Why...for the Zillionth Time

So, my cruise was absolutely amazing. Cozumel was beautiful. The concerts on board were incredible. The food was good. The people were fun. I had a blast. It was a much needed starting over point that I was so deeply looking forward to. Unfortunately, I was only able to enjoy that for about 2 hours after debarkation before I had to deal with the next traumatic, BS experience of my life.


I'm jobless. AGAIN. 


I don't want to get into details because after all, this is a public blog and I'm crossing toes and fingers they are going to be kind enough to offer me SOME pay as promised. None the less, it was without warning, without merit, and it sucks. Their needs outweigh their ability to pay for their needs, aka they are moving family in to provide round the clock childcare for the children. Two weeks would have been nice, as I would have given the same if I felt the desire to move on. They asked for a 6 month commitment from me, and it's only been 4 or 5.


I know some of you will tell me I will get through this. "Everything happens for a reason." Something will come along just as it did last time. Sure. Maybe. But, last time was PURE HELL for me to endure. I am not someone who is content sitting around and not increasing my cash flow. I must always have money coming in. ALWAYS. Regardless of what I do or do not have in savings. I cannot catch a break financially. EVER. I have been SO responsible with spending over the last year or so. I haven't done anything irresponsible. I don't go out much anyway since most of my friends in NC are attached, I don't go shopping, I don't take trips (my cruise was paid for by family for Christmas/Birthday gifts). I just don't get it. I've basically been screwed since losing my job in Orlando. Consistently trying to play catch up for over 2 years now. When the rug is pulled out from underneath you, I'm learning it takes a long time to get back on track.


I cannot obtain unemployment because this job wasn't "official" if you know what I mean. I don't have the luxury of family to help with bills and I unfortunately don't have a savings. Something I've been trying to establish, only to have car problems and medical issues arise. It sucks. I said it before but it truly is going to take a miracle this time as now I have rent to pay on top of everything else. 


It wasn't enough I lost my job a couple years ago. It wasn't enough I had to scrape pennies to get to Northern Virginia and start again. It wasn't enough I got married and put my work life on hold for a few months to support my husband's career. It wasn't enough to lose my child. It wasn't enough to be in a toxic marriage and end up divorced, leaving pretty much everything I owned behind. And now...this?


I love life. I do. But times like this I really begin to question why I'm here in the first place. How much does one have to endure? Is it really worth it anymore? Nothing is certain. Job security is a thing of the past. Gas prices are going through the roof, yet people don't have the money to pay for it. People are so selfish and only think of themselves and what's best for them. I'm starting to feel like I need to abandon who I am and do what they do. I'm tired of being concerned about everyone else's feelings and needs, only for mine to be pushed aside. I hate bending over backwards to help someone, only to be disrespected in the end.


I'm really, really, really going to need some extraordinary miracle to push through this. I know I've asked for it in the past, but really....I can't hold on with this kinda stuff continuously happening much longer. I'm a fighter, but I'm ready for someone else to carry me and fight in my place. I just can't do this.


The positive is that I wanted to do my diet again once I got back from my cruise. Perfect timing. I won't have to worry about spending too much on food :-/