Today has been one of those days. This week has been pretty terrible. Ever since I had that dream, coupled with losing my job...I've been "off."
I went to my new therapist on Thursday AM, thanks to the wonderful people I can't stop raving about at GiveAnHour.org. I admittingly had to take a Xanax before I went. Anytime I have to recount all that happened with M&I in detail, it causes me immense panic and anxiety. When I first came to NC and met with a therapist here, I had an absolute meltdown. My friend Kate had to calm me down and give me a little somethin'. It was awful. I really enjoyed my time with the therapist I had been using the past few months, but since losing TRICARE, I can't afford to pay $250 a month for four sessions. OUCH! Anyway, that therapist was helping me through my decision to leave M and helping me determine whether or not working things out was in my best benefit. Now that that chapter has been closed, I move on to pick up all of the broken pieces of my world and re-assemble them into something new.
With this new therapist, we'll call Dr. C, we are going to solely focus on the traumatic experiences, M's PTSD and how that's affected me, and what I feel is my own PTSD. Quite frankly it's very difficult to wrap my head around and sometimes, not something I feel so comfortable talking about. The reason being, hardly anyone understands it. It can make you feel all around pretty crazy. I know in therapy you can discuss anything and everything, and you're supposed to...but with my last therapist I just couldn't get into these issues fully. With Dr. C, I'm really wanting to. Well, maybe not WANTING to but knowing I need to and feeling like I can. She explained to me that we're going to take things very slow, since re-hashing all of this stuff is really jolting. It will be really interesting.
In the long run, I don't want these things affecting me in a negative manner or being brought into future relationships. (blog post on that again soon) I've always been a huge proponent of mental health therapy and it is SO IMPORTANT to address any major issues before they escalate out of control. I wish M's mother would have done him that service as a child. He'd have probably ended up on an entirely different track. Such is life.
Anyway, I came across this blog post today from Jenny @ Learning to Set Fire to the Rain. Read it. She and I are feeling a lot of the same emotions and after affects of experiencing our husbands war trauma.
This song also popped in my head randomly tonight after listening to Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" over and over. Oddly enough, this comment was posted by someone 2 hours ago.
"im going to war so i requeasted this as my funrul song, if something were to happen"
That speaks volumes I think. WOW. :-/
And if you're looking for more information about PTSD and how it affects returning veterans, check out this informative article.