I have long considered myself the black sheep of the family. I am not the "obvious" black sheep. I am not covered in tattoos and piercings. I don't worship the devil. I am not a Liberal. I haven't had children out of wedlock. I don't smoke and drink excessively or do drugs. I don't have a mouth like a sailor. All of these things would be the OBVIOUS ways I'd be a black sheep in my family. It all really came to fruition in 2002...
(Side note edit...The above reasons are what is not the norm in MY family. Not saying tattoos, piercings, liberalism, or devil worshipping makes everyone a black sheep)
My father has an anger problem. My dads side of the family is full of hot heads which is where I get a "tinge" of my frustration, though being honest I truly don't get crazy angry. Anyway, it was Christmas Eve 2002 and I burned gingerbread cookies. I was also running around my dads apartment with my new puppy. This made him angry. So angry, he put his hands around my neck and choked me. Scary situation for a 17 year old. Truth be told, he had done it once before when I was four years old and never did again. At this point, I could care less what consequences he suffered as I was 3 months away from being an adult. But, the fact of the matter was I was still a minor and Department of Children & Families stepped in and the sheriff's department came and arrested him during "It's A Wonderful Life" that evening. He spent his Christmas Eve in jail and part of his Christmas Day. My family came to bail him out and that was that.
I had a restraining order against him for some time and though it wasn't up to me, was completely compliant with pressing charges to the fullest extent of the law. If he had to sit in prison for a few years, it was fine with me. The law is the law and you just don't break it...especially twice. This enraged my family. "How could you do this? He's your FATHER!?" "How could you want him to go to prison!?!" Umm...pardon me but perhaps HE should have thought of that before losing control and CHOOSING to put his hands on me. You can see why there is a rift.
All has been forgiven between my father and I and we have a good relationship. However, it still doesn't erase the tension that remains in my family from all of those years ago. You'd think after 9 years and it really being none of their business they'd get over it by now. Not mi familia!
Anyway, really since that episode I felt like the black sheep. The odd one out. The one who didn't belong. My family is a family of jokesters, pranksters, tricksters. Sometimes the jokes can be downright cruel. They like to rag on the quieter more delicate ones of the family and I'm always the one to stick up for them. They did it to my blessed great grandmother, they do it to my great uncle, and they did it to my step-grandfather. They don't mean any harm by it, it's just a rough/dry sense of humor.
I also remember letting a curse word fly once and my uncle allegedly pulling my father aside to say how inappropriate that was. I was like 20 or something. Well over adult age. On my 21st birthday, we had a BBQ at my house...and I wasn't allowed to have a beer. It made my dad "look bad" and my uncle would have had a fit. Since when was it wrong for a 21 year old to have a SINGLE BEER with her BBQ on her birthday? All of a sudden I'm an alcoholic in my families eyes I guess. Anyway, you can kinda see where I'm going.
I was watching a DVR'd episode of Oprah today in which she was speaking with the family of a child who has extreme rage issues. Towards the end of the episode she said this:
"Years ago, someone on this show...we were doing a show about families and someone said, "There is no such thing as a black sheep." The black sheep is always the most sensitive person in the family who takes on all of the energy and dynamics of the rest of the family and it shows up in the person that they call the black sheep. But usually the black sheep is the one who is the most sensitive."
This totally clicked with me. In life in general, I feel I'm always the person sensitive to others and their needs. I think of others before I think of myself. I like to be the one to defend the weak and the ones who need. I absolutely feel like I take on the energy and negativity from my family. I don't quite know how to do otherwise, but I know I'm learning just by establishing boundaries. Acknowledging what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in my world with my family. It's something I haven't done until very recently and it absolutely has simplified my life.
im sorry you had to go through that back then. People tend to not understand you when they havent gone through it themselves.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way! I'm fun but have always been the one who has had fun made of them.
ReplyDeleteMy father was AWFULLY abusive every day of my life, and when my mom and I ran away the second time, we were the black sheeps for leaving my dad behind. Really? Yes, my Aunt hates me and my mother and tried to kick my mom out of his funeral making a big o' scene in the process. Well, I just keep on keeping on, my Grandmother and two other Aunts hold no ill will towards either of us for leaving. It was either live, or die. I'm still here and he isn't. I miss him, we had a good relationship for the four months before he passed. That is the silver lining.
I feel you. And completly agree.
This was a good post. It is hard to feel like the black sheep, and I never thought about it in terms of the black sheep being the sensitive one.
ReplyDeleteI'm stopping by from the Military Monday Blog Hop. I'm now following you and cannot wait to see 2011 bring good things your way!
This was a great post. It's hard feeling like the black sheep. That is interesting and I never thought about the black sheep being the sensitive one.
ReplyDeleteI'm a new follower from the Military Monday Blog Hop. I look forward to seeing good things come your way in 2011.
This is me with my family! Great Post! I've been the black sheep in the family since I was 15yrs old :(
ReplyDeleteI too am a bit of a black sheep. (What does liberalism have to do with being a black sheep?) My mom and dad got divorced, mom and I moved away. While I always thought that my family loved me. It took growing up t o realize how crappy of people they really are. lol. I mean... They're not bad people, they just are square (and in denial 97% of the time) , you know? I dunno, I'm not making sense. But it took me until now to realize their craziness! haha.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. In a family full of emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive people, I became the black sheep by refusing to put up with those who cannot and will not treat me with respect, or cannot behave like a normal person should.
ReplyDeleteAbout a year ago I cut my mother and step-fathrr out of my life. I attempted to let my psychotic sister back in, but she proved to be too much of a loose cannon.
All I can tell you is to stick to your guns. I get that family is family, and blood is thicker than water, but it doesn't give them a license to treat you like crap. It's no different than a friend or significant other who treats you terribly. You wouldn't hesitate to keep them in your life, why is family any different??
Anyway, thank you. Good to know I'm not the only one out here in "black sheep" land! :-)