Look at that precious face! LOVE HER! :)

So, it is with great sadness I have to report my Gators lost to our arch rivals, the Noles. I predicted this after last season came to an end. So, I'm fine with it. Our season sucked tremendously and while I'm not a bandwagon fan, I am one who can admit when our team is down and out. Anyway, congrats to all of my Noles fans out there. It was about time you guys whooped up on us anyway.

So my job/home search is getting redonkulous. I've now started applying for au pair positions outside this country. I have NO IDEA how this would work out since I probably have to get a working visa, learn another language, and figure out what to do with Piper. I'm trying to find a way for her to come with me, but I don't even know how that works with international flights. So far, I've had three families respond. One from Italy, one from Germany, and one from Spain. The Spain family looks the most promising as they sent me the most detailed response. The family in Germany has a separate living quarters I could live in which would make it much more appealing to me. It's very nerve wracking but could be a really amazing experience. It seems most of them give you tons of time off to explore and learn their language and culture. They just want you to speak english and teach their children the language. I think it's pretty cool. I'd love to do that with my kids someday. What great parents to want to expose their children to such things. So, who knows where I'll go with this. The other issue is housing here in the states. I'm trying to find a place to live and will end up probably having to sign a lease. How can I sign a lease and not know whether or not I'll be going overseas or not?

That's a whole 'nother can of worms. Housing. Where I'm looking to live is really reasonable for rent. I can get away with rent and utilities for no more than $500 and be in a safe, quiet, great area. The only problem is finding the right roommate, the right location, and finding someone who will let me bring in Piper. Time is running out and I'm beginning to stress about it. The LAST THING in this world I want to have to do is move to Florida. That would be the WORST thing ever. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that place is nothing but a mess to me. It's like a carousel for me. Round and round you go. Doing the same routine over and over. Nobody changes, everyone stays the same. It's drama. Not for me. Anyway, I'm learning to trust that God has a plan for me and it might not be apparent now, but it will be in the future.

I think I blogged a while ago about how I started listening to "Army Wives: The Unwritten Code of Military Marriage." This is the book that the tv show on Lifetime is LOOSELY based off of. I'm now almost halfway through (I think in total it's some 16 hours!) and I'm loving it. From what I understand it's more of a true account of some families on Ft. Bragg, though I don't know how much is EXACTLY precise. Anyway, I won't give away anything but it's really great. Even though I was only involved in "the life" for about two years, I can so relate to the ways and the customs of things. There are times I think I'll miss certain aspects of being a military spouse and I think I'll blog more on that another time. Anyway, it's a great read or "listen" if you're interested in that sort of thing.

That's all for now :)

Shan

Someone has felt this before...

So, I know it gets super annoying when you go to a blog and all that person ever does is post YouTube videos of music. I'm sorry. When I'm in a rough patch, music is what keeps me going. I was talking with my friend Sara and sharing favorite songs when I started dishing out some of my "undiscovered" favorites. I hadn't listened to this one in a long time and it's amazing. I love it so much and the lyrics certainly remind me of someone in my life.

Take a listen. So beautiful.

Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do

[Chorus]
When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what i'm worth
But i can't keep you from yourself you'll do what you will do

[Chorus]

I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this before

[Chorus]

Black Friday & My Christmas List

The above is a picture at Black Friday at my local Sam's. The picture doesn't do much justice though, because by the time the doors opened, the line extended all the way down the building. INSANITY! I've never gotten up so early for a Black Friday in my life but I had to help someone get a big ticket item who didn't have a membership. Got there at 3:15am and parked my butt in a chair until 5. It was fun. Lively conversations with random strangers. Good stuff. The free breakfast wasn't too bad either.

How did everyone else fair this Black Friday?

A few posts ago I mentioned I'd post up my Christmas Wish List. It's very slim this year and full of minor things since my cruise is my main gift and costing an arm and a leg. Anyway, here's a few things from my list. Let me know if you see a recurring theme ;-)

Army Wives Seasons 1, 2, & 3.

I love this show, though it might be strange watching it from here on out.

 

One of MANY Tervis Tumblers I have on my list. LOVE this one!

Absolutely LOVED this movie. I'm not one for remakes but this was awesome!

 

Adorable. Loved this movie too.

Ummm yeah. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I. LOVE. HATS.

Go Gators ;-)

Thanksgiving Grief & the sting of Baby News

I hope all of my blog readers had a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving. This year was extremely difficult for me as Thanksgiving day was my due date. I knew it was coming since it happened and I dreaded it. I could not have been prepared for what ended up happening and I wish I could go back in time.

I decided to spend it away from the party crowd and spend it in a calm, low stress environment. Great. I won't have to worry about mental breakdowns in the middle of eating my mashed potatoes. Just when I thought I was in the clear...a text message pregnancy announcement from a family member. REALLY? REALLY GOD? Why the F**K of all days does this have to happen? The day I, Shannon, am supposed to be delivering a healthy, happy baby and be on cloud 9? The one thing that could pain me the most happened. Any other day. Why my due date? Why a day I'm already struggling with? I have not been that hysterical in a really long time. Like, short of breath, gasping for air hysterical. I can't believe it. I know everyone says, "Well, can't you just be happy for her?" Ummm congrats to her but I'm involved in my own grief right now. I'm not concerned with other people's pregnancies. Sorry. Unless you've TRULY experienced loss, you don't understand and quite frankly, have no business to comment. So, no offense but if you're one of my readers thinking that...bug off.

I sat back and imagined this day...how it would have played out. M & I in the hospital, enjoying watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and perhaps a little football later. Then, delivering an amazing miracle baby wrapped in a tiny (hopefully pink) blanket and being absolutely 100% in love. Nope. Now I wrangle with every decision I've made. I know it was the right thing to do to end my marriage but it sure as hell would have been easier to stay and put up with the bullshit than deal with all of this alone. Now, I'll be starting over at 26. Still wanting to be a mommy on earth and setting back the clock a few more years. KILLS me.

I just don't understand it. I don't want my life to end, but I certainly would rather be in a fluffy white place with my baby and angels playing harps than this shitty mess here. I HATE that I'm in this place. I HATE IT. I know it will someday pass but right now it sucks...big time. I feel like I need a better support group. Someone to know I'm not okay, hold me, and just envelop me in love and comfort. Perhaps that's why I crave Heaven right now. All of this hurt, pain, chaos, and commotion on earth. I need a soft place to land. Perhaps living Survivor style on an island is just as appealing.

Speaking of, I need a job and a place to live ASAP. I've even started desperately applying for au pair positions overseas. God only knows how that would work out with Piper, but I'm grabbing at straws. I'm sure it will all work out in the end, but this not knowing is not a good thing for me. I am a solid person and like for everything to be taken care of. I don't like to worry or feel unsafe.

Anyway, that's all I've got for right now.

Love to all of you :)

Song to the King

Natalie Grant has one of the most inspiring, comforting voices I've ever heard. I love her dearly.

I just downloaded her album for $5 on Amazon and this song is a bonus track on the album.

Awesome.

The 61st Day

Today is day 61 of separation. This means our divorce decree can now be given to the courts. It's just a matter of time now, well, and some last minute bumps to be smoothed out. His SGT is supposed to get the papers today according to the tracking information, so again...I did my part and got them there in just the perfect time.

We'll see what happens.

Perfect.

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.

And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.

Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.

But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.

I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.

In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.

Cause you feed me fables from your hand,

With violent words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.

Ohhh, I love the way you lie.

So maybe I’m a masochist

I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.

Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

[Eminem]

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face

smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction

hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you

pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me

try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me

run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy

baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me

then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me

then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the

destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we

know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs

that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky

together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,

you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’

I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count

but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain

our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’

this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand

square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it

with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.

Ohhh, I love the way you lie.

I love the way you lie.

Fill me with your peace...

I know I posted this song several months ago, but it's one we could all benefit from listening to. Whenever we're going through a rough time, a transition, a new start...sometimes we tend to want to hold onto the past and not let go. Learning to let go and let God is a very difficult task. This song is an incredible encourager. I love it. It brings me peace :)

Follow-Up

I accidentally deleted a comment left by someone on my entry I wrote about yesterday regarding the issue with my family member. I do have it in my email and here is what it said...

"I totally disagree with you. Your relative is right. If you are going to stand opposed to gay marriage (as do I) and talk about the sanctity of marriage, then this should apply to you as well. Sorry, but you're being hypocritical."

So, I'm going to respond to that since I feel it's important to make a clarification. I feel the person who commented totally didn't understand my blog entry.

The reason why I am not speaking to this member of my family, is not because they chose to speak out about my divorce but the manner in which they did it. Doing it 24 hours before they stood up to be the best man at my fathers wedding, meanwhile criticizing the very mans daughter he was representing at the altar? Not to mention this person slammed me at a time when instead of angry comments about gay marriage, I needed support from people who were my blood relatives. I don't divulge every single detail of my life here, though some may think I do. When I wrote my uncle an email and asked for an apology, I let him know that in the eyes of God every sin is equal. I am a sinner for getting a divorce just as he is a sinner for being in a homosexual relationship. (talking in Biblical standards here) Both of those sins are just as equal. My blog entry, nor the situation I was speaking of has anything to do with the sanctity of marriage. The bottom line is that my relative took a cheap shot at me revolving around gay marriage when nobody was speaking about gay marriage. It was inappropriate and that's why I'm choosing to set-up a boundary in this situation. Nobody is saying anything about one being better than the other, one being "holier" than the other, etc. 

Black and white, it was an inappropriate way to conduct ones self...especially with a family member going through a difficult time. Plain and simple. So, to the person commenting...obviously I disagree with you. My relative was not right in commenting on my Facebook status about gay marriage when I wasn't speaking about it at all. Secondly, my family member didn't know my views on gay marriage...nor does anyone reading my blog. That's where the other issue lies. This person assumed they knew my views but they didn't and thus formed an opinion of me that wasn't true. I also asked the family member if there had ever been a time I had condemned them or done anything but love them, to please bring it to my attention so I may apologize and be sure it never happens again. I guarantee there has never been such an incident.

Again...the jist of the issue is this:

On the appropriate meter, you be the judge. Was this something appropriate to say to a family member when she is upset about her divorce? Did this have anything to do with gay marriage? Had this person ever asked me how I felt about gay marriage and gay rights?

That line in the sand...

Here's an excerpt from a webpage I found on boundaries. Before I leap into my blog post, I think it's something good to start out with.

What are ‘Boundaries?’

Boundaries define who we are. They establish ‘what is me’ and ‘what isn’t me.’ Boundaries help us create ownership and protection of ourselves. Boundaries are our personal security.

We know that not just anyone can open the front door of our home, walk inside, go to the fridge, grab whatever they want and plonk on our couch. We know that if someone tries to steal our car, it’s illegal. We know people are not allowed to access our bank accounts and use our funds for their purposes, unless we grant consent. Most people are aware of boundaries for material objects, yet struggle to realize the importance of implementing emotional, physical, spiritual and mental boundaries for self.

Activating Boundary Doors

How do we activate our door correctly? By using the words and actions that state “yes” to open the door, and the words and actions that state “no” to close it. Our door is suffering enormous security breaches if we say yes when we really feel like saying no, and is jammed when we say no to the love and support that we really desire.

Creating boundaries is not about convincing someone else to behave in a way that YOU THINK THEY SHOULD. It is about YOU behaving the way you want your life to go. When you know you are a person to be respected and you don’t rely on other people giving you the approval for that, then the irony is that people will start to grant you much more respect and approval than they would have done otherwise.

Now, to why I'm writing about boundaries and a line in the sand.

My family is a funny bunch. We are not perfect and have our own fair share of issues. What family doesn't? But, for some reason...my family members are HUGELY judgmental. (Let me pause and say that I know I can speak on these issues with affirmation since my mother experienced these things while married to my father as well. So I know it's not just me.) Anyway, the problem doesn't just lie with the judgement of each other, but then the talking behind backs, and the ridiculous piss matches that occur. I don't fit into this mold. If I have something to say, I'm going to say it. If I have a problem with you, I'm going to go directly to you and address it. Pardon me, but I have the balls to go to that person's face rather than pass it from family member to family member. This has occurred SO MANY TIMES in my family, I can't even begin to tell you. Recently, an issue arose with a member of the family in which EVERYONE had an opinion about, for years and years, yet nobody had the guts to come out and address that person. It was always done behind that persons back and amongst all of the other family members. For me, that doesn't fly and I became the "bratty b***h" that wouldn't hide. Because I was vocal about my feelings, some of the other family members felt I was rude, disrespectful, etc. UM EXCUSE ME? So I guess it makes it okay then if you talk crap about someone behind their back, but if you tell that person...you become a horrible human being. Interesting how that works right? One of my family members took it upon  himself to confront me on this and what I felt, berate me. All during a time when I couldn't leave, couldn't go anywhere, AND on top of it was going through an extremely difficult time. I was teetering on leaving my husband that weekend and subsequently, when I came back to Texas, I did. I sat their in tears for two hours until I was able to leave. Family? I have since moved on from this incident as I know that person didn't realize the state I was in and perhaps had they, maybe they wouldn't have gone off like that. Regardless, it was inappropriate.

The same day, another family member of mine decides to comment on my facebook status. Well, here's a screencap of how it all went down:

Hmm. On the appropriate meter, you be the judge. Was this something appropriate to say to a family member when she is upset about her divorce? Did this have anything to do with gay marriage? Had this person ever asked me how I felt about gay marriage and gay rights? The answers are all NO! Oh, mind you...this occurred less than 24 hours before my dad was to be married and this person was my father's best man in his wedding. Pretty awesome timing right? Anyway, I was stunned, pissed, hurt, etc. My dad went on a profanity laced tirade with this person and told him and everyone else in my family to stay the f**k away from me during the wedding the next day. I do love when my dad sticks up for me :) Well, flash forward and now it's been two months since this occurred. The holidays are around the corner. I've been working with my therapist about establishing boundaries. Something I'm not used to doing. In the past, I've let people walk all over me, say things they shouldn't, and pretend like it didn't happen. This has happened SO MANY TIMES in my family...with me. Yes, MY FAMILY. At almost 26 years old, I will not allow it any longer. So, I sent this person an e-mail asking him, if I had ever showed him or his partner anything less than love and care, if there had ever been an incident I was disrespectful to them to let me know. I also explained my actual views on gay marriage, gay rights, etc. since they were incorrect. Lastly, I asked for an explanation of why he felt he needed to say than and an apology. Unless those things were done, I wouldn't be attending any family functions from here on out. BOUNDARY.

I've heard nothing.

It's super unfortunate that the rest of my family has to suffer for this person's choices. If this person weren't present during family functions, I'd go. It's the principal of the matter that I am no longer going to pretend this stuff doesn't happen. I'm not going to sweep it under the rug. It's unacceptable and I will not tolerate it in my life anymore. If it means losing all of my extended family, than unfortunately I guess that's what it takes. What's been okay to them for many years is not okay with me and if they can't respect that, than it's too bad. I hate it. I really do. I love my family, including this person who has wronged me. But, the bottom line is I didn't deserve that treatment and an apology is necessary. My grandma is upset. I hate that too. I love her dearly and she doesn't understand why I can't just let it go. I'm sorry, but I have let MANY things go within the family for a very long time now and I won't do it anymore. I'm a grown woman. I keep replaying that over and over. I don't have to tolerate this stuff. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water and unfortunately, sometimes it just isn't. We all make mistakes, I totally get that...hence the reason I asked for an apology. If they are unwilling to give it, that's their choice. I then make the choice not to be around.

Sad.

VBLOG aka Video Blog :)

Fabulous breakup songs :)

So...it's come the point I don't even need to say it anymore. It's predictable what I'm going to say. From here on out, just assume it's happening...still. Everyday. Multiple times a day. Hmm...that could be taken the wrong way. Anyway, time for the automatically delete emails from a certain email address filter :) No more spam box. I have enough evidence if the need arises. 

ANYWAY...

Though most of my awesome blog readers are happily married or happily single, I have to share a funny experience I'm having tonight. Coming up with angry (or hilarious) breakup songs. The ones you want to blare and sing at the top of your lungs while punching a punching bag with your exes face on it. Wait. Did I just say that? It MIGHT be happening next week. LOL. After colabbing with some friends, here are the videos I put together for my mood tonight and for anyone needing them in the future :) Beware of the not so clean language!

Rolling the drums again...

I have now lost a total of 7.5 pounds! I started the HCG protocol 9 days ago. I just can't believe it's working. As I said before I thought all diet things were shams but it's def. doing it's thing. The first two days were my loading days so it's right on target for it's claim of basically losing a pound a day. The first week was by far the hardest but just like everyone said, it's gotten so much easier. I'm not as hungry as I once was and my urge to resist cravings has been very strong. Every now and again I'll sneak some crystal light hard candies or a graham cracker or something not on protocol, but I'm still losing so that's freaking awesome!

Yay me!

Wordless Wednesday & Lots 2 Say! :)

((Botanical Gardens))

What a day it has been! I had to drop Piper off at 7:30AM to be spayed. Funny enough, I cried watching everyone else say goodbye but didn't cry when Piper went in for her surgery. I've had some great encouragement on Twitter, from friends, and on here letting me know she'd be just fine. She's a sleepy girl, but she's walking around, eating, drinking, and doing awesome. Thanks for all the T's & P's. Keep them coming until she's fully healed!

Today was another one of THOSE days. You know the ones I get some sort of crazy e-mail from HIM. After a week and a half of peace and quiet, I had to know it was coming again eventually. Anyway, it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm moving on with my life. I feel happy, positive, and healthy. This stuff is so frickin' petty it's a small SPECK in the story of me. I can't wait for it to be all over with. I had hoped it would be next Monday, but it might take a few extra days. We'll see.

In other fabulous news, things are growing by leaps and bounds for my business. I had to slow things down a bit with all that was going on in my personal life. It's unfortunate, because football season was our prime time to shine but with the holidays coming up...it will be awesome too. I found over 20 designers and at least 7 or 8 of them have responded in the past 24 hours. So far, two of them are 100% on board with the others reviewing the agreements and business information. FABULOUS STUFF! I'm so blessed!

Love this song!

Miscarriage from a dad's POV

What a day!

What a busy, crazy day. It started out wonderful, until I realized I misplaced my HCG drops. I eventually found them but not until 10pm. I wonder how much that will set me back. UGH! None the less, it was fun to take Piper on a puppy playdate with her pal Cali and spend some time with my friend Kate :)

Tonight, I made a trip to the hospital to visit a family friend who had a heart attack. He's 77 and has never had one before, so please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. While there, I couldn't help but notice the Labor & Delivery signs and of course the fully pregnant girl walking in as I'm walking out. It sucks that anytime now I should have been delivering a healthy baby. My actual due date was Thanksgiving, which you know if you read my blog on a regular basis. It's hard to sit here without a baby bump knowing I should have a massive one. I know everything happens for a reason and all of that jazz. People always tell me it was a blessing in disguise. I totally get that, but it doesn't erase the hurt or the pain of it all. I still want to be a mom. I know someday I'll have that opportunity, but it hurts that I had it for a brief moment and then it was gone.

I've started looking for places to live and jobs, thankful I'm not looking in Florida. UGH! I don't really feel like doing the whole nanny thing again, BUT I think if I found a really solid family I really clicked with, it would be fine. My favorite family was the Tates. They were so fun, so laid back, and their kids were fabulous. I was able to take them to play dates, gyms, classes, the library, etc. It was awesome! I would have stayed with them forever! The only reason I ended up not needed there anymore, was their son entered K5 and their daughter needed to be in playgroups. Plus, the family just had a baby loss and after that, everything really changed. I had someone email me about a job, but it just won't be enough hours. Stinks, but I def. have to make a certain amount to survive and save. The business world is where I'll be eventually, but at the same time not. I can't imagine sitting behind a desk all day. I have to be moving, taking charge, and doing things. We'll see what happens.

Feeling Fantastic!

So wonderful and true. Truthfully, I feel as if I've taken a Xanax today and I totally haven't. I feel very peaceful and felt that this week (knock on wood) was going to be a calm one. Perhaps it's because I've established my boundaries and addressed some things that needed addressing. The fact I'm on this diet, have pretty good energy, am eating healthy, and losing weight is already making me 10 times happier. I honestly can't believe it's actually working. I'll admit that it's really super hard to stay on track, but the end result is so worth it. I'll be able to have all the goodies I want in the future, plus I'll be hitting the gym at that point. This is precisely the boost I needed to get back on track with being 100% healthy and active. I'm stoked! I hope I will be in kick ass shape for my cruise in April. I'd love to be slim and trim for that.

The only thing I'm totally nervous about, I scheduled Piper's spay this week. It's on Wednesday and it's something I've been dreading FOREVER. I have read horror stories about yorkies being so small and having problems on the table. She's only four pounds for pete's sake. All of my comrades on the Yorkie board have said it's good to get the blood work done before hand to make sure she's ready for surgery. So, being the smart momma I am, I elected to pay the extra gillion dollars and have that done too. So, to all my bloggie readers...please pray for a safe surgery and very fast recovery for Piper Annabelle :) Thank you!

Christmas is right around the corner and since my cruise is my main gift from my dad and grandma, I have to compile a few things I'm eyeing and frankly, they'll pretty much all be Denver Broncos and Florida Gators related. If Tebow switches teams, I'll be livid! I'll share my wish list once I compile it :)

Drum roll please............

I'VE LOST...

Yippie! Okay, so who knows if it's ACTUALLY five pounds of fat. I'm sure a lot of it is water too, but none the less I'm five pounds lighter and STOKED about it. 10-15 more pounds to go!!!

HCG Diet Video Blog #1 ~ Day 5

I wasn't going to share these on my blog, but I figured...what the heck? If you're not interested, no hurt feelings. I won't make every post about my weight loss and dieting stuff :)

SUPER SATURDAY!

Today is GAME DAY! And not just any game day mind you. If the University of Florida beats South Carolina, we're going to the SEC Championship!!! HUGE HUGE HUGE. Who would have thought that would have even been possible with the shamtastic season we've had this year. Can't believe it. I tried to get tickets and HAD THEM, but UF allowed a lot less student upgrades this game than in games past. SUCKS! So the tickets couldn't be converted into GA. Oh well, I'll save my $125 for something else. Perhaps the UF/FSU game :)

So, I started this new diet called HCG Platinum. They are homeopathic HCG drops from GNC you take three times daily combined with a 500 calorie diet. Yeah, 500 calories. It sucks big time and the hunger pangs were MISERABLE last night. I ended up cheating and eating a bunch of graham crackers. EEP! I have never had to diet before nor believed in dieting with pills and random scammer type things but this extra 20 pounds I have on me is bringing me down. Sure, I can go to the gym but I'm not a member anywhere and unless they allow short term memberships, it's not possible. My goal is to get rid of at least 10 pounds then hit the gym hardcore. I just need a little boost. Anyway, this product had 4 out of 5 stars and over 80 reviews. If you follow the protocol exactly, people say they lose about a pound or so a day, sometimes more. I weighed myself a few days ago and need to go back and do it again. I want to use the same scale each time so I know my true weight. Wish me luck! If it doesn't show anything after this first week or so, I'll can it. I don't have the willpower to only eat 500 calories for a month or so if it's not working.

Love my life and that is all <3

Update you soon...

Reading...

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy."

- Kahlil Gibran

I've finally started diving into Angie Smith's book, "I Will Carry You." I wrote about it many months ago, but in case you aren't familiar, here is the amazing story behind the message she shares.

King of Anything ;-)

My good friend Sara passed this song onto me. HI-LARIOUS and oh, so fabulous :)

Justifying My Faith

Let me just say, I don't have to and that's not what I'm doing by writing this entry.

I had another incredible experience at Celebrate Recovery tonight. Tonight was community meal and testimony. What happens there stays there, so I won't share specifics but it was an incredible testimony of God's healing powers and forgiveness.

Recently, my husband sent me several messages regarding my Faith and how he felt I needed to "get off the God stuff" because I "seriously sound crazy." Apparently, I remind him of his mother. I feel like it's important for me to share how I feel about my Faith and how there is no such things as a perfect Christian.

When talking to most Christians, there is a period in time where they had a turning point in their Faith. A time in life where they may have been at their lowest, made bad choices, and felt like they were farthest away from God. Then, something changed in them and they were at a major crossroads and they took the road to recovery or the road back to where they needed to be. For me, I grew up in a religious home, went to Christian school up until 8th grade, and was pretty much always a believer. I was raised Lutheran but around the age of 19, I felt my beliefs best aligned with the Baptist denomination, more so Southern Baptist. I found an amazing home church, First Baptist Orlando, where I felt connected and spiritually fed every time I left service. Then, I hit a dark spot in my life where I made some poor choices, hurt a lot of people, and turned my back on being a true Christian. Eventually, I repented. I vowed to never live my life like that again, to do those same things, and sought forgiveness from those I had wronged. It was a major turning point in my life in which I realized that God NEVER turned his back on me, the entire time. It amazes me to this day that I remain friends with the ones I had hurt. GOOD friends. Talk almost everyday friends. I sent a text message to one of them last night just thanking them for putting everything behind them and moving forward. When you experience TRUE forgiveness, it does something amazing in your life. You look at things entirely differently.

Now, back to the fact there is no such thing as a perfect Christian. I am NOT a self-righteous person. I know I am not perfect. I know I will never live up to God's expectations of me. I know I will sin, every single day, and fall short I know I will make mistakes in the future, perhaps some severe...but I'll learn from them. I had a renewed Faith in 2007/2008, somewhere around there. Again, nowhere near a "perfect Christian" but I was strong in my Faith and my feelings. When I got married, sadly...I again felt pulled away from God. What I had hoped would be a sound, Godly, Christian marriage and one in which I could submit to my husband and he would lead me with strength...wasn't happening. I am of course partially to blame because I couldn't find a Church in TX where I really felt as "whole" as I did at my home Church in Florida. So, we didn't go near as often as we should have. None the less, I felt I couldn't be my REAL Christian self during my marriage. So, apparently this is where my husband is feeling like I'm sipping on the Jesus Juice. The fact of the matter is, this is the real me. The me he never got to see as his wife. We had lots of talks prior to getting married about my Faith and where I stood and what I expected out of a husband and out of marriage. But still, I don't think he ever got to see much of the real me.

Anyway, without my Faith I truly don't know where I would be. I fall short, I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes but knowing I have someone who will never leave me nor forsake me is one of the most reassuring things anyone can have in this life. I pray my husband finds himself in a real faith one day. I have to also add that there is a HUGE difference in being a zealot (someone who "acts" in the name of God, but does things to harm and hurt others intentionally) and someone who isn't a perfect Christian. Proclaiming and praising the name of Jesus, then stealing $5,000 on the morning of your son's wedding...is being a zealot. So is a slew of other things, yet texting your son on an almost daily basis with Bible verses and other religious words. Those are the people who give Christianity a bad name.

I have to say again to anyone with hurts or hangups, to try out Celebrate Recovery. There are TONS of meetings in everyone's city, no matter where you live. You can go to CelebrateRecovery.com to find a group in your area. I've met some incredible people in the only two times I've gone. Knowing you're not alone, you're not being judged, and you can share openly and also learn amazing lessons towards healing...is priceless.

The Good Stuff

So, since the past few entries have been icky...I'll write about some good stuff today. But yes, I did receive another e-mail. Time to switch them to permanent delete. YAY! :)

So for one, my financial aid STARTED coming through. I'm not sure how this is all working out since I didn't get the full amount and the amount I got doesn't make sense, but none the less I did receive a small portion that will help me in the interim since I don't have my spousal support. PRAISE GOD for that one. It's been such a HUGE area of stress in my life since I didn't have the cooperation of my husband to get the necessary paperwork done. Just had to go straight to the IRS and it was a matter of about a week and it was handled. Should have thought about that before. Anyway, the rest might take another week or so as they are needing transcripts from another college I went to. I sent them over yesterday but it might take a while. *Fingers Crossed* nothing goes wrong.

I'm blessed to have found a new friend here who knows a lot of what I'm going through. We've been spending a lot of time together and it's nice just not being alone and having someone to just sit with you and hang out or someone to do stuff with. I look forward to making roots here in the future and spending time with the new friends I've made and my old ones as well ;-)

I was watching a TV show last night and it was one in which they were interviewing all sorts of country music stars. LeAnn Rimes was one of them and while they were playing some of her music, I remembered some of the awesome songs she has out that relate to my situation. I found this video which is really awesome and I can totally relate to some of the issues people mention of how the song touched them. I've only been to Celebrate Recovery (hereby known as CR) once, but I'm going again tonight. From what I understand, it's one of the BIG steps to accept you cannot change your situation, cannot change the people who've hurt you, and realize you can only change your future. That step takes a long time and I'm totally not there yet, but one day I will be. This song reminds me of that very thing I will one day achieve.

Here we go again...

DENIED

More Truth

This is what I woke up to this morning. You'll have to click it to read it.

Nice right? Again, I'm 100% through with protecting this man, not telling the whole truth, and not speaking on my blog about what is REALLY going on and what has REALLY happened. I hate to turn my blog into a place where nasty words and actions come forward as I'm sure the majority of you would rather not read it all. But, because for some reason my blog is something highly trolled by my husbands friends and "family," they're giving me the ability to put the reality of the situation out there and in their faces. I'm not playing nice girl anymore, so if you thought I was a B***H back then, you'll really think I'm one now.

We talked yet AGAIN yesterday for about an hour and a half. I had to call him and ask him if he really thought sending that nasty email to me was appropriate after having a four hour conversation in which we agreed we weren't doing that anymore. He flipped. I asked if he had sent my final check and he gave me some random ramblings, basically telling me I'm on my own. We got off the phone. A few minutes later I get a call on Skype apologizing and saying he was wrong for sending it, and he let his anger and emotions get the most of him. Okay, fine. I get it. That's what I lived with during our marriage. A constant barrage of ups and downs, angry's, and happy's. Never knowing what was coming. I'm all for forgiveness, starting over, second chances, and all of that. We continued the conversation, though it was not as civil and productive as the one we had last week. After shouting and talking over one another and all of it (basically how any communication went in our marriage) he tells me he's sorry for any part he had in this. Oh, wait...I have an email about that too...

Anyway, he apologizes on the phone telling me I don't deserve any of this. I'm a good woman and he's hurt me and he knows it and he's sorry. We continue to talk, but I have a counseling appointment in 30 minutes that's 30 minutes away. 10 minutes later, we're ending the conversation with him telling me he's not complying with Army regulations, not sending me the money he owes me, etc. He wants the address of where I'm living RIGHT NOW. Sorry Charlie. There's a reason you DON'T KNOW where I'm living and a reason you DON'T HAVE my telephone number. Weeks ago he agreed to just send it to my dad in Florida. I gave him the address TWICE and yet he asked for it again. So I said, LISTEN...I'll just give it to your SGT and let him handle it if you can't keep track of it. It's what he's SUPPOSED to do anyway. Anyone that knows the military life, knows soldiers are given extra money simply for being married. This is NOT a benefit of being a soldier, this is a benefit of being a MARRIED soldier. This comes in the form of BAH, Basic Allowance for Housing. It basically means that the Army gives him money in his paycheck every month to cover rent, utilities, etc. Once your spouse is no longer living with you, that money no longer belongs to the soldier but it belongs to the spouse and each month on the 1st of the month you are to report to your chain of command and send the funds to your spouse...UNTIL your divorce is finalized. Our divorce is SUPPOSED to be finalized in 19 days, of course now it won't be. So, this is the final payment of two payments. Not to mention, he closed MY bank account while I was in Florida and withdrew the money I had in there and kept it for himself. So, he owes me additional money from that AND he destroyed all of Piper's belongings (food, treats, toys, bowls, crate, bed, blankets, clothing, bows, papers, etc.) so he owes me 50% which we deemed to be a VERY GRACIOUS $50. Of course he would say it's all about the money with me. I'm sure some of you might be wondering why this support is such a big deal to me. I'll be real with you. I left a solid job in TX to get away from this man. I have $200 to my name and am trying to do the best I can with what I have. Not only did he take money that belonged to me, he put me in a place where I had to replace ALL of Piper's things. More food, more toys, etc. The clothing and bows are not essentials, but some of these things HAD to be replaced. That's additional money I had to spend because of his careless actions.

It's very simple. I'm being painted as the one who wants to play games and doesn't want to go forward with all of this. The bottom line is that's completely FALSE. All that needs to occur is he send the final payment (which was supposed to LEGALLY be done two days ago), I sign the divorce papers...and we're done. But that's too difficult apparently. So, here I sit. I will not sign divorce papers. I will continue to accumulate spousal support, keep my health insurance, etc. Fine with me! I'd much rather be divorced and get this over with but hey, if he wants to drag it on...so be it. He doesn't realize it's only going to hurt him in the end. I hope it doesn't come to spending thousands on attorneys for nothing, but this man has gotten away with a TON of crap and I'm not about to fold and not go down without a fight now. In Texas, everything is joint marital property including all of the furniture we accumulated during our marriage. I never said a word about it and even left furniture I brought and have had for YEARS and left it behind for HIM to sell and get the money for. Well, anything now that was left behind is half mine, so if things really want to get ugly...I'll be owed half the money from the sale of those items as well. Not a good move.

Again, I can't say it enough. ALL I WANT TO DO IS MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. The disgusting thing is, I care about this man (though that's swiftly changing) and I know he's just a very sick, upset, angry, and hurt person. He doesn't have a relationship with his blood family, so when he got married, I became his new "family," WE formed our own family with the two of us. Now that I have left, he feels angry, hurt, and let down that he no longer has "anyone." And by that, I say because those are his words and not mine. I tried to reiterate to him that he DOES have people to love him and support him. He has tons of friends in Orlando, which in times like these doesn't help a whole lot and I totally get that. But, if they're true friends like they say they are...then they have expressed to him they are there for him 24/7 to support him and help him through this rough time. He's not alone, though he certainly feels it I think. So, if you're one of the trolls reading my blog who are one of his "friends," perhaps you need to do a better job of checking in on him and caring for him instead of spending your time reading my blog and ranting about me to people. Anyway, I want this to be OVER. He is in great denial about the fact we are getting a divorce. I get it, it hurts like hell and it SUCKS...BIG TIME this is happening. Nobody gets married thinking they'll ever get divorced or that the person they are marrying will hurt them in some way. But it's reality. It's happening. There is no going back and I've expressed that to him many times. I'd love to believe this can all be worked out, but it can't. When I get e-mails like the ones I've gotten in the past days and weeks, I realize it can't be. 

I just don't understand why we can't move on and be done with this already? Why can't we just do the right thing, play by the rules, and get this over with!?!?

Wordless Wednesday

Super pretty picture I took at the gardens this past weekend :)

ELECTION DAY!

Tonight, I am happy and proud to be a member of the GOP. I'm ALWAYS proud of my party affiliation, but I'm really excited to see that my party has control of the House and is gaining seats in the Senate. More importantly, the backwards state of Florida that has been in a total downslide was SWEPT by Republicans. The governor race is still TBD, so I can't forget about that as it's close...but even so all other elections have been pretty much taken by us. EXCITING!

I sincerely hope that my party does something. It will be difficult over the next two years working with a Democratic Senate, if we don't claim it. It will also be difficult working with a Democratic president, but at least we're making moves and re-staking our ground. I'm not so ignorant to believe that somehow now all of the world's problems are going to be solved and everything is going to change.

I participated in a semi-healthy debate tonight via our local news station in Orlando's Facebook page. They also had an internet only broadcast in which they reported things and read some of the responses to questions they posed on Facebook. Funny enough (surprise, surprise) several of my comments were read on air. HIGH FIVE! One being what I hoped the GOP would bring to the table if they swept elections, of which I said HOPEFULLY REFORM of health care, not overhaul. Jobs, Social Security. The second comment I made was in response to a TOTAL LOON who was mentioning such heinous things as rape, calling names, and being ridiculous. I called her out on a claim she made about a candidate that was TOTALLY the centerpiece of the ads for the democratic candidate. Yet again, taking someones words and twisting them around, splicing audio, and making a campaign statement out of it. I called for people to do their BI-PARTISAN research. Take some time to TRULY educate yourself and stop basing political decisions on ads, flyers, and phone calls. This woman is a young mother of two children and claims to be a Baptist. Calling people stupid, bitches, asses, and talking about being raped? REAL Christian and REAL productive. Incredible.

Anyway, *FINGERS CROSSED* for Rick Scott in Florida. MAJOR MIRACLE DUST for the US Senate. It's going to take one when the West coast voting comes in :(