Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm curious to know what everyone is dressing up as this year. I hear Lady Gaga & Snookie are the top costumes. I probably won't be doing anything since my mom is in town and flying out this evening. I didn't do anything last year either. I do love Halloween but a lot of it has become one big drunk fest, of which I'm not so much into anymore. Not to mention most costumes will cost you well over $100, unless you get super creative which I just don't have the time for. Growing up I was every Barbie in the book, back when costumes had those horrendous plastic sheets and HOT plastic masks. Remember those? I think my favorite was when I was a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, I think when I was 12. I've been pumpkins, singers, Barbies, angels, devils, and I'm sure many other things.

I love this time of year in general and even more so now that I get to see leaves changing. Charlie Brown is my FAVORITE and I can't wait to watch the Halloween one tonight before bed :) Another fave is Nightmare Before Christmas. I do love that one too. 

Anyway, I hope everyone has enjoyed this weekend so far and has fun trick or treating tonight. 

Fun Stuff

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. ~ Romans 12:12 ~

GO GATORS!

What a weekend we've had. My mom is still in town and leaving tomorrow night to go back home to Orlando. We've had tons of fun doing random things around town, as you can see from some of the pictures I posted. It's nice having someone to do some things with around here, though I don't mind venturing out on my own. Tonight was the BIG FL/GA game and since I couldn't be there with everyone who was at the game, we went to the local sports bar with some friends and had a blast. Obviously, it made it ten times better that we won (WOOP WOOP) and what an intense game it was.

So, I don't think I've updated everyone on what we thought was PTSD. It seems to my psychiatrist that I might just have an anxiety issue, not PTSD. I was kinda thinking that was a harsh diagnosis, though it made sense in some ways. The past year of my life has been very traumatic with losing the baby and then the dissolving of my marriage. Those two things are huge. Anyway, I'm not one for medicine AT ALL but I asked for a script of Xanax. I don't take it often, only when I feel super anxious about something. A lot has calmed down since "M" and I recently talked, though random things with random people can cause me to get tensed up and nervous. I hate confrontation and almost fear making people upset. I'm working on setting boundaries as well instead of allowing people to walk all over me and say as they wish. I have some confronting to do with some family members and hope to accomplish all of this prior to the holidays and put it behind us.

There's about three weeks left to this marriage and it's really a mixed boat of feelings. I received my papers the other day and honestly...haven't given it much thought. I'm sure I will once my mom leaves as I'll have more time to process everything. The most important thing I've learned is to allow myself to grieve all of this. Cry, get angry, get frustrated, and get it all out. Hiding it or trying to pretend like it isn't happening does me no good. That's how I treated my miscarriage and it did nothing but make it worse for me.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to spending time with friends here soon which will be great for me. The Collegiate Couture is at 97 fans and climbing!!! Can't wait to make 100! :)

Happy Halloween!

Around Town :)

Can you believe I started blogging 5 years ago!?!?! Yep, my original blog STILL exists out there. Just goes to show what you put on the internet stays FOREVER! Looking back, I was crazy, insanely, in love with someone who TOTALLY wasn't ready for that. We laugh about that now and we're still best of friends. It's amusing to know how love struck I was.

Anyway, every other post included some sort of song or lyric. I told ya'll I'm OBSESSED with "situational music." I stumbled across this one while reading:

Time Travelers Wife & Healthy Conversations

While I was at Target yesterday I picked up a few movies, one of them being Time Travelers Wife. Words can't describe how much I love that movie. It's totally the romantic in me that believes love like that somehow still exists. It's a hard movie to watch for lots of reasons, but the most being (SORTA SPOILER ALERT) she has miscarriages. That part completely sucks. Anyway, I didn't read the book but the movie was amazing. I went and saw it in theaters and I'm so glad I own the DVD now. I'm watching it tonight before bed :)

My mom flies into the airport tomorrow so I'm excited to spend a weekend bopping around with her. We have a packed schedule full of fun things to do. I'm looking forward to relaxing by the lake and taking the dogs to a puppy Halloween party, amongst everything else.

Last night was an interesting night. What started out as multiple e-mails being sent back and forth and things escalating, I decided to call my ex and work all of this craziness out. We ended up on the phone for 4 HOURS! From 11pm-3am. It was a healthy, productive, progressive conversation. It helped the both of us to be able to have questions answered and come to the conclusion there was truly no reason to get nasty with one another. I'm hopeful all of that is behind us now and we can keep this divorce as civil as humanly possible. Regardless of what has happened or what people like to contrive, I do care about the man I married and want nothing but the best for him. I have always worried about his health and will continue to. Not just because I was married to him, but because it all happened while we were together. The whole situation sucks...massively. We both agree if we could go back in time we'd do EVERYTHING differently. But, it is what it is.

Glass Houses

Oh the things you learn in the midst of an ugly divorce. Apparently, my blog is quite popular amongst my husbands social circles. How flattering! Most people in my situation would choose to make their blog private and only allow access to approved individuals. But, since I have absolutely nothing to hide I would never do such a thing. My words are mine. Isn't that the awesome thing about freedom? Guess that's one thing I can thank my husband for. I once again find it funny I'm being labeled a liar yet putting EVERYTHING out in public for everyone to read and call me out on...including my husband. People who have things to hide, hide behind their words. They don't make themselves transparent. 

Anyway, I woke up this morning and was reminded of the quote "He who casts the first stone lives in a glass house." I love that. I know it stems from a Bible verse, so here's the story that I found that goes along with it. Perhaps some people should pay more attention and keep their nose out of someone else's business.

John 8

 ¹But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. ²At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. ³The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" ⁶They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
   But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." ⁸Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
 ⁹At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
 ¹¹"No one, sir," she said.
      "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

I Can Hardly Wait!

Six months from now I'll be having the ABSOLUTE time of my life on board the Carnival Inspiration! YAY! I can't wait! It will be my first cruise and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate a late birthday and the start of a new life. Here's a sneak peek at the ship. I'm going for a "special event" so it won't be your traditional run of the mill cruise, but I'll fill everyone in on that later.

My Playlist

Music heals and it's done wonders for me in my life. At every stage in my life, every relationship, every sadness, every loss...there's a song. So, here's some YouTube videos of some songs I've been listening to lately. I hope some of them help you all too :)

This one is one of my absolute favorites. I love Billy Joel, but this is like a story in a song...and so soothing. As eerie as it is to say, I think I'd like to have this played at my funeral.

Mat Kearney is one of my absolute favorite singers. Him, Matt Wertz, & The Script are always on my playlist. This is his newest song.

Beautiful. Natalie Grant is incredible. Each word in this song is so very true.

I love acoustic ANYTHING. William Fitzsimmons is a gem. He's hardly known by anyone, but is majestic!

"It was a kind of so-so love and I'm gonna make sure it doesn't happen again. You and I had to be the standing joke of the year."

Loved this one for a long, long time.

3 Doors Down is my favorite band of all time. Love everything that they do. I never paid attention to this song, but heard it on a CD yesterday. LOVE the lyrics. "Tell me who will save you when there's no one else around and you can't turn to me? Tell me where you will be when it's over? And all this pride inside is gone tell me where will you hide? You can't hold your world together now. Everyone sees who you really are. When your castle crumbles at your feet, don't you run to me."



Another awesome William Fitzsimmons.

And just one for laughs and a smile :)

I also want to share an incredibly moving bible verse I stumbled upon tonight.

But the Lord is with me as a dread warrior;
therefore my persecutors will stumble;
they will not overcome me.
They will be greatly shamed,
for they will not succeed.
Their eternal dishonor
will never be forgotten.

—Jeremiah 20:11

Post #200! Lots to say and a giveaway :)

I took this photo when we were out on the lake a couple weeks ago. So soothing :)

Anyway, first...it's my 200th post on this blog! Yippie skippie! Time to celebrate! So, I'm doing a "sort-of" giveaway for my blog readers. Most of you know I have a business called "The Collegiate Couture." We're still working on getting additional designers and items up, but we've got a nice selection already. Dresses are taking longer than I had hoped for but we're working on getting them up in the next few weeks. Just in time for the holidays and the end of the season! So, I've decided to offer a special discount code for anyone wanting to purchase something from the website. 

Just enter code EATPRAY at checkout to save $5 off a $15 purchase :)

You can go to http://www.thecollegiatecouture.com to check everything out.

In my personal world, I feel like there is a battle raging. It's really sucky. I feel very at peace, though restless. Calm, but anxious. Relieved, but sad. There's certainly a mix of emotions running through me with everything going on. I have been seeing a great therapist here for the past few weeks and I see a psychologist tomorrow. The reason for that being that my therapist feels I have PTSD, something I blogged about before. I know for sure in order to get through the rest of this I'm going to need some sort of anti-anxiety drug. The panic attacks, though few and far between, are very scary. I really have only had one, but it wasn't fun. Each day that goes by is one day closer to the end of this horrific situation but until then, another "unpredictable day" lies ahead. 

I just wrapped up a two weekend promotion here which will def. help my pocket book. It was exhausting, though not terrible. I think I've decided to stay where I'm at as rent here is much cheaper than where I'm looking at making a permanent home. I think it's the most wise decision I can make financially.

In super exciting news, I stumbled upon an AMAZINGLY AWESOME one of a kind cruise setting sail next year. They have it once a year and I don't feel comfortable sharing which cruise it is, but I CANNOT WAIT! I thought it might be a long shot, but I'd ask my dad if he wouldn't mind paying for SOME of it as my Christmas/Birthday present since it's not until next year. So, with the money he's putting towards it and the money my grandma gives me each year for Christmas, it will be practically paid for. I found a girl friend to go with me and she's the perfect person to really live it up and enjoy it with. I can't wait! I've never been on a cruise and to be able to go, shake off this divorce, celebrate my singleness, and my new life...it will be unreal.

Ending the Silence on Domestic Violence

Tonight's episode of Dr. Phil was about ending domestic violence, specifically teen and young adult violence. Apparently, Dr. Phil's campaign for the year is "End the Silence on Domestic Violence." I'm so thankful to people like Dr. Phil who call attention to this severe problem. I mentioned previously I was going to blog about this a lot this month, and I haven't recently.

THREE women will die today at the hands of their abusers. THREE. DEAD. That's someone's mother, sister, aunt, friend, etc. Many, many more will experience an incident of violence at the hands of someone they love. It's sickening and it's happening so much. The worst part of it all is we women feel that we can change this behavior, love them harder, more, etc. We believe they can change. Sometimes because they tell us they are or they will. The bottom line is, it shouldn't be about them. It's about YOU. What's healthy for you. You can't change someone. You can't love them more. You can't fix their problem. 

You have to take care of YOU and only YOU. For those with children, staying together in an abusive situation thinking it will be better for the children...is WRONG. Think of your kids and think of the life you want them to have. Certainly not the one they are currently living.

For teens, there's a special hotline you can call for help with dating or household violence...

866-331-9474

For adults, the number to call is 800-799-7233

Get help NOW. Not tomorrow, not later. NOW. Those lines are open 24/7 and are TOTALLY anonymous. My victim advocate helped me TREMENDOUSLY by just giving me suggestions to prepare myself in the event of an emergency and coming up with a PLAN to leave if needed. They can do the same for you. Sometimes you don't think about getting all of your important documents and storing them in a safe place with a friend or a neighbor. What about an emergency cell phone? You can pick a prepaid cheap phone up at 7-11, Target, Wal-Mart, etc. for $20! Keep it charged and hidden somewhere or hidden in your car. I did, and it helped me tremendously.

Post #198, Pumpkin Spice, & Peace!

Well, it's Wordless Wednesday. Here's a throwback photo of some people I love dearly and miss. I'm on the lower right if you can't tell :)

WOW. It seems like just yesterday I was at my 100th post. 200 is right around the corner! YIKES! I'm thinking I'll do another special giveaway, so stay tuned on that. Blogging gives me a major sense of peace. I might not have hundreds of followers or tons of comments, but I'm stoked I have so many people who look at this blog everyday. Whether it's by accident through a search engine or people checking in on my life...it's pretty cool. I only wish I had more time to stay on top of everyone else's blog...but from time to time I take a peek at many of yours as well. Thanks again to all of my followers :)

Tonight will be an all night study session for my Managerial Accounting exam I have tomorrow afternoon. ICK! I've slacked off so much with school since all of this exploded and it really stinks. I did SO AWESOME last semester, but my mind is in 100 other places. I already had to drop two classes which sucks big time but that wasn't really because of this situation but for other reasons. I keep reminding myself, it's just a major accomplishment to be IN school and almost done with my A.S. It's taken me FOREVER and I haven't given up. I won't. That's for sure.

For this moment in time, I have peace. Some situations seem to have been worked out. All is well in the world. I'm thankful for that. Once again, I need to trust in God more. I know he has control over my life and only wants the good for me, but it's sometimes hard to let go.

Celebrate Recovery meets again tomorrow. YAY! I feel so much better after getting all of that off my chest last week and just crying it all out. It felt very safe and it felt nice to just be listened to without any advice, comments, etc. Pretty cool format.

Alright, off to study now. The dogs have their treat to keep them busy for the next few hours. I love it :)

Why I'm NOT wearing purple today

For those of you on Facebook, you've probably heard of an event going around that calls for everyone to wear purple today to remember the gay teens who have recently commited suicide. For me, suicide is something that I'm sensitive about. A classmate in high school did it and shortly after, someone who was like a father to me did as well. Suicide is not just for gay people, and I know everyone knows that but it bothers me that this day is meant to celebrate the gay teens who did this. I'm angry because there have been a rash of suicides by our military. Where is the outcry about this? As much as I have my issues with the military right now, these guys go overseas to protect us and witness things no normal human being should ever have to. Yet, they come home and are expected to transition back into society like nothing has ever happened. These guys can't take it. They were heroes and in my opinion, the ones who should really be honored by a special color wearing day.

I've seen the transition in my own husband. Someone who at one time was loving, kinda, gentle, and considerate. Deployed and came back angry, violent, hateful, and unpredictable. From what I understand his experience in Iraq wasn't as tumultuous as others. Granted, I may have not gotten the whole story but this is from what I've been told by him. My heart hurts for everything he had to go through, even though we are in the middle of a bitter divorce. It always will because while the job needs to be done, it's so very unfair.

On top of that, there are hundreds if not thousands of people who commit suicide on a daily basis. I'm not sure of numbers. Where is the day to wear something to honor them? I realize there is a National Suicide Prevention Week, but I don't see a million people on facebook getting together to recognize that. So why is it that a million people will get together and celebrate the lives of gay teens who commited suicide? It doesn't make sense to me. Gay suicide is not the epidemic here. Suicide in general is an epidemic and it seems bullying of any kind is becoming one also. You don't have to be gay to be bullied.

Just my two cents...

Oh, Katie Scarlett

It's no secret my favorite movie in the whole wide world is Gone With the Wind. I'm a connoisseur of classic movies. Some people can't stand the lack of color, I love it! So, I decided tonight to watch it since it's been a while. Funny enough, the picture above is exactly where I am in the movie while I type this. LOL.

I adore Scarlett's vivacious personality, her strength, and her determination to fight. I used to think I saw bits of myself in her and perhaps they're still there. If only there were a real "Tara." I think I'd go there everyday for as long as I live <3

I was thinking today how I really need a tried and true best friend. I don't know if they even exist anymore. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives, caring for babies, planning for things, fighting the 9-5 workday, etc. I admit I'm not always on top of the game when it comes to keeping up with friends. I think it would be much easier if I were nearby them. Anyway, I think it would be nice if I had someone who really took the time to call me and check in on me throughout all of this. I do have that in someone, but they kinda can't understand though they do their best at just listening and encouraging me. Plus, it's more of a humorous situation than it is a serious, heart to heart, venting friendship. Anyway, I hope that when/if my friends are ever in this situation, I stay on top of them and do whatever I can even from afar to encourage them. Divorce absolutely sucks. Whether it be after less than a year or 20 years. It sucks just the same. Perhaps some people think my pain is less because I wasn't married long nor had living children with this man...but it isn't the case. I'm thankful I found Celebrate Recovery because I get to cry hysterically and share all of my feelings with these women. Not to be judged, not to be given opinions, only to be healthy and heal.

Just about halfway through this divorce. Hanging by a string, but God's got ahold of it and won't let me go :)



NO MORE DRAMA!

God just sent me a major break. MAJOR MAJOR. I never thought I'd say this statement, but I'm thankful to the IRS! No more games. No more drama. I should have just went straight to the source weeks ago. Instead, I give an opportunity to do the right thing, play nice, play fair...and do things the right way. No? Okay, well it's gonna get handled one way or another...and it just did. I WILL have my student loan, I will get my classes paid for. END OF DISCUSSION.

I will not play games anymore. Deadlines are set. If it takes me selling everything I have and begging for money for an attorney...if that's what it takes...SO BE IT! I'm not going to be powerless anymore. I'm not going to be manipulated, controlled, and lied to ANYMORE!

Little Bit Stronger ~ Sara Evans

Sister Wives....& Stuff

So, nobody can go anywhere these days without hearing about the TLC show "Sister Wives."

I've of course heard all the hype and I've been wanting to catch it forever. Tonight, there seems to be a marathon of all the episodes. I know most people think they are lunatics, psychos, etc. but I have to branch out and say...I honestly don't judge them. I don't think polygamy is for me, for the main reason that I don't get along with women, so having some around 24/7 would drive me insane. On all levels, it just wouldn't sit right with me. The sharing, the competition, etc. Wouldn't work, but for them and many others it does.

I think like any of this stuff, some people abuse it and some people believe strongly in it and are still good people. As a Southern Baptist, submission is something I strongly believe in. Next time, I absolutely will not compromise on that and will ENSURE 100% my future husband not only understands the specifics of what that means but already exhibits them. I did express this over and over and over to "M" prior to us getting married, but it's a tricky thing for someone to really get. It doesn't mean you get to push your wife around, boss her around, abuse her, demean her, etc. It's a biblical principle in which my husband spiritually feeds me, takes on traditional male roles, and vice versa. Some people see that belief as ridiculous, but for me it works...well with the right person it will :) Anyway, it seems to me that Cody is a good guy. It seems that he doesn't abuse his wives or use polygamy as an excuse to screw a bunch of women and reproduce. So, for them...it works and I'm not against it/them/etc. I don't judge them on their spiritual and lifestyle choice. Hell, they've been married a heck of a lot longer than I was. LOL. So, obviously they are doing something right :)

Anyway, that was my random post of pop culture.

So, I'm feeling so beat down. I'd give ANYTHING to be at the beach, on some sort of vacay, in the mountains, or with my friends. I think besides the financial aspect of all of this, I'm mourning what I had once hoped my marriage would be. Granted, that hope was something formed long, long ago and dashed shortly afer...but it still sucks when I walk around and see happy, loving couples and think "Wow, this is how it's SUPPOSED to be." I don't desire a new relationship with anyone, as I know it's not healthy but I think all I ever wanted was to be happy, have a solid companion, and be with someone I trust. So, in some strange way...I desire that. I think it's because of how bad the past year has been, not to mention how lonely it was for almost an entire year when the person I loved and cared for was thousands of miles away in Iraq. So, the past few years have been rough when you throw everything together.

If this whole situation has taught me anything, it's that I'll never compromise again. It's not about what someone COULD BE in the future, it's about what they are RIGHT NOW. If someone I'm dating doesn't exhibit the exact things I'm looking for now, I have to chock it up as they never will. I remember the lists I made physically and in my head of the characteristics that my future husband would posess. I need to totally grind those in my brain and remind myself of that next time. I truly thought "M" possesed those things or I wouldn't have married him, but I think there were small signs leading up to our wedding that it might not have been a good idea. I ignored them. Now I'm paying the price.

Oh, Broncos

Thanks for breaking my heart tonight, though we were fashionably present :)

Celebrate Recovery

Tonight was a great experience. It was my first time at Celebrate Recovery. If you're not familiar with what "CR" is, it's somewhat based on an AA style 12 step program, but Christ centered. It's also not just for those with addictions. It can be for anyone with hurts of any kind like excessive weight, rape, divorce, abuse, control, codependency, etc. In fact, only 1 in 3 people in the group have a drug or alcohol addiction. 

Anyway, it was a phenomenal experience and I'm so glad I made the decision to go. Not that anyone wants to know, but what is said in the meetings must remain there...but there are for sure some incredibly brave women dealing with some very heavy hurts.

The night begins with some praise and worship, a lesson, then breaks down into male and female small groups. There, we talk about the lesson and share our hurts. We ALWAYS use feeling words and "I." We're not there to gripe about what our children, husbands, boyfriends, friends, etc. did to us that day but instead focus on US and OUR healing.

The only thing sad I took away from the night was my desire that "M" would take part in something like this. I don't know what his group anger management therapy is like, but I can say it didn't seem to have the impact as something like this would. I think it all comes down to God. I'm sure the program through the Army is NOT God centered. There really is a peace that passes all understanding when you have a strong relationship with God. Even if it wavers, you know it's there. I wish more than anything I could pass that help onto him.

30 Days of Truth ~ DAY ONE!

So, my fabulous friend Reina over at Semper Gumby.....The Return of Sunshine is taking part in this special 30 days of truth challenge. She's inspired me to do the same in hopes that I'll finally be able to finish my 101 in 1001. So, here goes...

Day One ~ Something You Hate About Yourself

I'll spare you all the photos on Google which come up when you enter "bulge" or "fat." Gross.
Anyway, I'd have to say right now...the one thing I really hate about myself is the fact I've gained about 10-15 pounds. I've always prided myself on having a good body, one I'm not ashamed to show off. When I moved to TX I put on some weight and I guess it's that "after you get married" typical weight some people put on. I feel a lot of it has to do with my miscarriage because PCOS really screws with your body. **THANKS OVARIES**

Being pregnant and then all of a sudden not being pregnant really caused my hormones to go haywire. Coupled with the fact I had some downtime after that recovering from the natural miscarriage and then a couple weeks later my colposcopy. Not to mention I was working 50+ hours a week, having to come home, put dinner on the table, do school, attempt time with my husband, and then go to bed. Hard to fit in gym time.

So, that right there is what I hate about myself right now. I'm hoping over the next few weeks before going back home for the holidays that I'll be able to work out at the gym here and shed a few pounds. It's going to be hard because I feel like I have no motivation, but I guess I should find a pre-marriage photo of myself and staple it to my forehead :)

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

 

October is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
In 1988, Ronald Reagan put forth a Presidential Proclamation which I am so thankful for.

I'm sad that there are many events going on near me, but I'll be working and unable to attend. The next best thing, is doing some things myself. So, my plan is to release some pink and blue balloons that morning...tied to them a special note to my little one. I'll wear a pink and blue ribbon all day at work, come home, and light pink and blue candles as well as lots of tea lights.

I figured I'd light a tea light for anyone who'd like their baby remembered. So, if you would like me to light a candle for your little one, please don't be shy and leave me a comment here or e-mail me at ShanPando (at) yahoo (dot) com. I'll write each name on a piece of paper, lay it next to the candle, and take a picture for you. I'll be sure to post a picture of everything over the weekend for everyone to see. Hopefully I can get good pictures of the balloons and everything else.

I encourage all of my friends, followers, and anyone else to make a donation to the "I Am the Face" campaign by going here: http://www.iamtheface.org/?page_id=28

A donation as little as $1 is so appreciated. You'll notice I'm now wearing the badges on my blog as well.

I want to share a collection of all the photos I received of baby tributes for Baby Pandolfi :)

                                                                       

Please take time this week and on Friday to acknowledge your friends, family, co-workers, etc. that have lost babies through miscarriage, stillbirth, & infant loss. Just because some of us never met our little ones or we lost them a long time ago doesn't mean we ever forget. Don't be scared to reach out and remember, it will end up helping and healing your friend more than it will hurt them or bring back bad memories. I promise!

PTSD? WHAT!?!?

So my therapist definitely thinks I have PTSD. It's SUCH a shock to me because this is something I studied heavily before M came back from Iraq. I wanted to be prepared for what COULD happen, even though I wasn't prepared for what DID. PTSD is such a "soldier" thing, even when googling images for this blog post, 95% of them were soldier/military related. PTSD isn't just a military thing though in honesty. It can develop from any sort of traumatic encounter. For example, a rape, being robbed, abuse, etc. It often comes from having to restrict your emotions, which in my case seems to be PART of how it developed. The other part, I won't discuss right now.

Anyway, it's somewhat hard for me to swallow and while my therapist can't diagnose me, I'll be seeing a psychotherapist (lovely name right?) in about two weeks. She'll be able to really get to the root of the problem and provide me with intensive therapy along with medicine to help get me through all of this. My anxiety level is through the roof right now. Those nightmares aren't helping at all. Things have definitely exploded in the past week or so when reality has really set in.

I still stand by the fact I don't want a divorce but know there's just no other way. I always hoped I'd wake up one day and something would change. We'd just mesh and one day both realize everything we needed to change and just do it. Sadly, it didn't happen and usually never does.

I'm looking forward to starting at Celebrate Recovery tomorrow night. It's going to be an awesome experience I'm sure and will definitely blog about that tomorrow.

Elephant on my Chest

Ugh. Today is not a good day. I keep waking up every morning with really bad dreams. I've shared in the past how they've been about my pregnancy but I had one in which a good friend (and very random friend) was killed, and today it was one relating to my family. All really bad dreams. It's not a good way to start out your day especially when they are so realistic.

For some reason, I feel very suffocated right now. I am panic stricken and feel like I can't breathe. I'm thankful I have an appointment with my therapist today so I can talk to her about these things. I know I really need to find a way to get an anti anxiety drug ASAP. I'm pretty sure she can't prescribe them to me so I really need to try to get into a doctor here tomorrow. I needed them like a week ago and it's only getting worse.

I went out yesterday with great group of people and had a great time. So, I know it's not from lack of getting out or doing things. I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME though and I really just need something to help me stay calm. Anti-D's don't ever do anything for me, so I think it's more of an anxiety thing.

Piper & I :)

Beautiful ~ MercyMe

This song gives me goosebumps. I heard it today when I was on the way for sushi with Piper :) By the way, it was INCREDIBLE. It's nice being able to enjoy the weather here and sit outside with some hot tea. Anyway, this song touches my heart. I keep replaying over and over again...

"You're beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. Praying that you have the heart to fight, 'Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight For all the lies you've held inside so long, But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross."

I also want to offer up these mp3 sound bytes I took off of the radio station KLOVE's website. Dr. Meier speaks of the pain and hurt of abuse, including sexual abuse. Apparently when Christian singer Matthew West was collecting stories for his new album, 25% of them expressed that they were victims of abuse. Dr. Meier's MP3's are below. I encourage you to take some time to listen to them, even if you are not a victim. The most important thing is to always keep an eye open, because someone around you is probably a victim or will be in the future. That is one of the most important reasons why I'm highlighting that it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.


Clip #1: http://files.emfcdn.com/downloads/audio/podcasts/kloveas_podcast5725_20101005.mp3
Clip #2: http://files.emfcdn.com/downloads/audio/podcasts/kloveas_podcast5726_20101005.mp3

Finally, there is also a PDF document addressing abuse by Dr. Meier. You can read that here:
http://www.meierclinics.com/xm_client/client_documents/Abuse_Protection_10-5-2010_KLOV.pdf

Thank you to Dr. Meier of Meier Clinics for giving this information and for Scott & Kelli of KLOVE for addressing this issue publicly. In the Christian community especially, it's hard to speak about and many live in hiding refusing to address the pain of abuse due to fear of rejection by the Church. That couldn't be further from the truth. God wants you healthy, happy, and encouraged...not beaten down, abused, and mislead. 


Thank you to the lovely woman who commented on my previous post about being a victim of abuse herself. I completely understand your pain and pray for you to continue to have a spirit-filled, encouraging life.

If you're also interested in hearing the song that Matthew West was inspired to write from all of the letters he received, you can hear it below.

Facts on Domestic Violence

Since this is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I said I wanted to blog regarding that a lot this month. So, here are some scary statistics I came across:

A battering incident occurs every 15 seconds in the  United States.  25 percent of women who are beaten are pregnant. Battering is the most under-reported crime in the country. 73 percent of batterers were abused as children;  60 percent of boys who witnessed violence grow up to  abuse.  Physical abuse by male intimate partners is the single  most common source of injury among women between  the ages of 19 and 35.  Battered women are more likely to suffer from depression, drug/alcohol abuse and psychiatric problems.  Reports by battered mothers show that 87% of children  witness the abuse, many growing up to repeat the  patterns they witnessed.  A 1990 study by Kantor and Straus estimates that 86%  of domestic violence incidents go unreported.  On a national level, it is estimated that each year,  medical expenses from domestic violence total at  least $3-$5 billion.  Approximately 24% of workplace problems such as  absenteeism, lower productivity, turnover and  excessive use of medical benefits are due to family violence.

Bad Day

This morning started out really iffy. I woke up early to go on a little trip with Piper, but it was raining where we were going, so that got canned. I went back to bed and didn't get up until almost noon. UGH. I hate that. I guess it's just this funk with everything going on. Once I get going though, I'm good to go. I keep reminding myself of that. Anyway, during that time I had a HORRIBLE dream about my pregnancy. I still had a miscarriage but I had the babies footprints and stuff. That's all I remember. Going to the hospital to pick up the babies footprints. So strange. I woke up from the dream and was completely devastated. I guess it's been on my mind since my EDD is approaching (estimated due date). It's not technically for another 6 weeks, but it will be here soon. Not to mention it will be the same time as when my divorce will be finalized. Anyway, that was a rough start.

Later I ran some errands and went by Barnes & Noble to find a divorce workbook I was looking for. They didn't have it, so I found a book called "Stronger Day by Day." It's a book with reflections, meditations, and quotes, along with little passages to read each day. I really like it. I also start counseling here tomorrow which I'm really looking forward to. I hope I really click with this therapist. I don't have time to find another one really. I want to work hardcore through all of this divorce stuff and all of the issues it's going to bring up in the future.

Tonight, Piper got into a pill that fell on the floor. I had an absolute heart attack. She spit it out but it was crumbled too, so I was paranoid she ingested some of it. There's no way I could afford to take her to an ER vet after hours...so I was just praying she'd be okay. She's fine...but I've def learned my lesson. I mean, I always make sure the floor is clear and I guess my mind is just 1,000 different places right now so I saw it, did something else, and forgot about it. 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my mom coming to visit me in a few weeks and some other friends coming to town. Should be fun to get out for a bit, meet new people, and explore this area. The weather is INCREDIBLE and I can tell it's going to be a cold, cold winter here. I'm enjoying the Autumn while I can since we don't have that in Florida, nor were we going to have it in Texas.

It Hurts

Love that picture.

I'm riding one heck of a roller coaster right now. I think the nights have become the hardest for me. It's very odd going to bed alone at night. Obviously, before I was married I did it all the time, but once you do get married and every single night of your life you sleep in the same bed with that person...it's hard when it's not like that anymore. I think it makes it worse I'm not in a place of my own. All my things are shoved into storage and I'm surrounded by just my bare essentials. Not complaining, but it's tough going from "HOME" to not home. I remind myself that I'm certainly not the first person to go through this, and sadly I won't be the last. I have a good friend who is also going through a divorce. I wish I was in Florida so we could hang out, grab some wine, and get through this together...but Florida is just not my home anymore.

I don't want a divorce. I keep playing that over and over in my head. It's great in a way that in Texas it only takes 60 days, but at the same time it kinda sucks. I'm so torn on all of it. I want to be happy. I want to move on with my life. I someday want to be with a man who is stable, respects me, and is a strong, determined Christian. I have always had a vision of who God wanted me to be with and perhaps that's why my standards are so high. Will I find him? I don't know. But that's besides the point right now. All I know is if there were some magical potion I could take tonight and wake up tomorrow morning and have him be a completely changed man, I'd do it in a second. I've always said I know deep down inside he is a good man. That's the hard part. Obviously, I married him because of that and we did have some good times together. But, when the bad outweighs the good and the bad is VERY VERY bad...it's time to move on. I recall during any breakup I've ever had that I always remember the good times and don't think much about the bad. But, when I look back at the videos I took of certain incidents, it's hard to swallow but it makes me realize the situation was not a good one. It's so hard to even say that.

Though he insists that I don't love him anymore, I do. I don't know if I always will. That's something I've learned not to say, because things change. I will always love the IDEA of our marriage and all of the hopes and dreams I had hoped would come about from it. I guess that's the part that hurts the most. It's really hard to get over and I know this whole process is just starting, so I'm taking it one day at a time.

I think Piper and I are going to head out to the apple orchards tomorrow and pick some apples and take pictures in the pumpkin patch :) She's gotten so attached to me since I had to leave her for a long time to do a  promo job. She probably thought I was never coming back! She's asleep on my lap as I'm typing this. I'm so glad I have her. I couldn't imagine her being anywhere else.

Faith Hill ~ Stronger Than That

Faith Hill ~ Stronger Than That

Please Listen to This Song Here!

There's a friend who will call
When her husband's asleep
Crossing the phone lines for comfort
And she cries that she needs him and
Someday he'll change
And now's not a good time to go
And it isn't my place to say leave him and run
That no love is worth all the damage he's done
But if she'll hold her ground
Then I'll hold my tongue
Ever the diplomat
Oh, I'd like to think
That I would be stronger than that

Where's her head
Where's her nerve
Does part of her think this is all she deserves
Oh, I would be stronger
I would not stay one minute longer
I would be stronger than that

It started out good they usually do
Then one day it's taken for granted
'Til words become weapons and love turns to pain
Oh, why is she still holding on
She says living without him is too hard to face
And I try to imagine myself in her place
But with well chosen words and well placed tears
She forgives him in two seconds flat
Oh, I'd like to think
That I would be stronger than that

Where's her head
Where's her nerve
Does part of her think this is all she deserves
Oh, I would be stronger
I would not stay one minute longer
I would be stronger than that

I know what she's thinking and I know what she'd say
That my life and her life are like night and like day
And her love is the love that will save him
Brave words but I don't believe them

Where's her head
Where's her nerve
Does part of her think this is all she deserves
Oh, I would be stronger
I would not stay one minute longer
I would be stronger than that

Oh, I would be stronger
I would not wait one minute longer
I would be stronger than that

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

This month is not only Pink October, but it's Purple too.

Domestic Violence Awareness month is here. One in FOUR women will experience abuse at the hands of their partners. This is UNACCEPTABLE. Look long and hard at those around you. You KNOW someone who has gone through this and probably someone who is going through this currently. The most important thing you can do, is not to try to belittle the person's attacker but just gently offer your support to them. Let them know if they ever need to flee, they can always come to your home for help...no matter what time of day or night. BE THEIR ADVOCATE. It makes a huge difference if someone who is being abused knows they have somewhere to go in case they want to leave. They are intimidated and belittled by their abusers and it takes a long time to get the courage and strength to get out and leave, even more so if there are children involved. I will be writing much more on this topic, as it has been something very close to my heart for a very long time. This month is the perfect time to do it. Until then, here's a few tips for leaving an abusive relationship. If you find yourself in one, please heed every word of this advice. It is all very true.

If you are still in the relationship:

• Find a safe place if an argument happens. Avoid rooms with no exits or with weapons, like kitchens and bathrooms.
• Create a list of safe people to contact – friends and family who’ll come to your aid when you need it.
• Make sure you have change with you at all times (for public phones).
• Memorise all important numbers.
• Establish a “code word” or “sign” so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
• Think about what you will say to your partner if he/she becomes violent.

If you have left the relationship:

• Change your number immediately.
• Screen your calls whenever possible.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
• Change locks, if your abuser has a key.
• Stay with someone. Whatever you do, don’t stay alone.
• Have a getaway plan or route if you’re confronted by your abuser.
• Meetups with your abuser should happen ONLY in public places.
• Vary your routine.
• Notify school and work contacts.
• Call a shelter for battered women.

If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action. You should bring:

• Your identification documents (including driver’s license and registration)
• Your birth certificate
• My birth certificate(s)
• Social security cards (if any)
• School documents
• ATM card, credit cards
• Keys – house/car/office
• Passport(s)
• Medical records
• Bank books, insurance papers
• Online account passwords (if needed)
• Pay slips or other documentation of your income