No More TTC

So, this isn't something we decided just yesterday. I've known it for a while now, just didn't want to totally accept it. We are no longer TTC. It isn't because of our miscarriage. DH & I are struggling in our marriage. Really struggling. I don't want to get into too much here but those of you who know me outside of the blog-o-sphere already know what I'm talking about. I thank you for the support you have shown me this past week.

Our relationship has gotten to a place that it would be dangerous and unhealthy to bring a child into. This has in a positive way, made me able to better cope with the loss of Baby Pando. It's just not the right time. We have to better ourselves and our marriage before we can bring in a third party.

Coming to this realization was extremely hard for me. I want to be a mom so badly. After all, I'm not getting any younger. Part of me resents DH for having to give up on this due to his issues, but I'm putting my full faith in God that this is what must be done. I have no control. All of this is His. The moment I relinquish that and admit it is not mine, I am at peace.

So here I am.

Please pray for my husband and I as we are on this very uncertain and frightening journey. I fully believe God has the power to change any circumstance, but both parties have to be willing. I don't know if that's our case.

Feature Focus: Circle + Bloom

I stumbled upon this really neat company through Twitter and am eager to share with you all. Circle + Bloom is an audio based program that helps ease your mind and relax your body for conception and for pregnancy. I conducted an interview with Sue from Circle + Bloom and wanted to feature that here on "And Baby Makes Three." I wasn't paid for this interview, just really wanted to pass on some great information to my readers on something that might be beneficial to them. They do offer a free download, via their website also. Check them out!

Please tell us a little bit about your background and your family.

Funny this is the first question, because I always seem to hate bringing focus on me!   I share about my personal story on our site at http://www.circlebloom.com/about-susan-cooke - I am told that people have enjoyed reading the ride that life has brought!  I have a 15 year old, and a 4 year old, and yes the age difference brings many challenges, but so many benefits as well!  On the professional side, most of my career was in “Corporate America” on the finance side, so very different than what we are doing at Circle + Bloom.

What is Circle + Bloom?

We create enjoyable and effective mind-body programs to empower women to take control of all stages of their fertility.  We are a woman-run business that is passionate about women's health. 

 

There is no doubt any longer that stress and fertility do not mix.  Our programs offer a solution to this problem through powerful relaxation techniques and mind-body exercises that create the right internal environment - both physically and mentally - for real change to occur.  Taking time for you daily and using our programs has empowered many women to take control of their reproductive health, self-esteem and well-being.

 

Our flagship product is a 30-session fertility program, which includes 28 programs for each day of your monthly cycle, a special ovulation session and the program introduction. Each daily session is approximately 15 minutes comprising a unique combination of music, words and guided instructions. We have had tremendous response from the people who have used or are using the program.

 

We also recently released a program to use in connection with an IVF/IUI cycle.   We have taken the concept behind our flagship product and tailored it for an IVF or an IUI cycle. Working with leading REs, we developed these programs with the highest amount of care and attention to detail.   There are 18 unique sessions that correspond to the special requirements of the medicated cycle and include special attention to the synthetic hormones, advanced procedures and unique timing thereof.   There a two sessions specific to the egg retrieval and transfer.

We also have a mind-body program to use while you are pregnant. Our special pregnancy program is an essential addition to the prenatal toolkit for optimum health for both mother and baby. Based upon scientific research, reducing stress throughout a pregnancy should be as high on the priority list as taking vitamins and eating well. Our program gives you 15 minutes per day for yourself to use proven mind-body techniques to reduce stress, and best balance and prepare your body timed to the changes occurring during each of the trimesters.

What inspired you to create the Circle + Bloom program?

It was actually my sister Joanne who created the program, and the story starts more than twenty years ago when she was diagnosed with PCOS as a late teen. The words from her OB-GYN that “pregnancy may be difficult” were very hard for her to hear. Not surprisingly, she had problems with conception. After a difficult and very emotional journey, which ended with two beautiful and healthy children, a close friend started having fertility problems, which prompted her to action.  She did not want to see her friend go through the same pain that she had been through.  She began to explore the connection between the mind + body, as well as the direct connection between stress and hormone balance and ultimately fertility, she had the idea of creating a daily relaxation program that tracked to the monthly cycle. Given the fact that our bodies are changing every day throughout the month, a physiological daily-guided visualization made complete sense. She calls it her “ah-ha” moment and one she says she will never forget standing in her kitchen with this idea that hit her like a bolt of lightening.

Who is Circle + Bloom geared towards?

Honestly, it really is for any women who is trying to conceive, or who is pregnant.  And we are currently in production for a mind-body program to help women’s energy levels.  Once that is released, sometime in June, it will be for any women.

Can you share with us some of the feedback you've received from happy customers?

Receiving feedback from our customers has to be the best part of our day.  We are passionate about making a positive impact in people’s lives; we want to make a difference.  Of course the best is when people tell us they are pregnant and they feel it was Circle + Bloom that made the difference, but we also here about amazing experiences that people have had while listening to Circle + Bloom.  Everything from, “I realized what was holding my body back from getting pregnant was I felt in my heart the right thing to do was adopt”, to “I believe that I have become a lot happier with myself since starting the Circle Bloom Program…I even feel beautiful!” I think almost everyone has told us they are getting the best sleep in their lives since starting the program.

What are your hopes for the future of Circle + Bloom?

We want to be known as a strong advocate for women’s health, offering education, support, community and of course great products to empower women to take control of their health and well-being.  We also want to be known as a company that has significantly helped educate people about the power of mind/body medicine.

Do you have any other websites or resources you want to share with other couples who are TTC or having trouble TTC?

There are so many great resources and great organizations that provide really thoughtful and timely information.  We have found as well that there is an entire community of bloggers and other TTCers that connect through Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, or any of the myriad of online fertility forums.  From a professional perspective, here are a few of those that we visit on a regular basis:

 

RESOLVE.org
American Fertility Association
INCIID
Conceive Magazine

 

               We admire the many women who are out there sharing their personal painful stories.  I am sure it          is not easy for these women to be so open about a very difficult journey, but they offer friendship, encouragement and support to so many people.  Conceive Online has some great blogs to follow. 

 

What advice would you give to couples who have been struggling with fertility?

Get a support system, educate yourself with the vast information that is out there if you look for it, know that you are not alone, over 7 Million other people are going through this same painful journey as we speak. 

Video Blog #1 - May 24th, 2010

Waiting on Results

Well, I am at home recovering after my LEEP procedure. I'm feeling fine, just really tired. I've been so tired lately I think just from stress and such. Anyway, I was so nervous beforehand I even started to cry right before I got undressed and such. My husband was there for the prep stuff but he couldn't be in the room because it was so small. I was bummed about that but knew I had to be a big girl.

I think the most painful part was the speculum and the pain after the injection. It felt like she was stretching my vagina open to the max, which I'm sure she was because she had to get the instruments and such inside. It hurt like heckers. The injection didn't feel awful, it pinched, but it wasn't terrible. It was the after-effects of cramping and stuff that hurt like heck too. But, it did the job and I didn't feel any of the burning being done to my cervix. She warned me that it would smell and it did smell like it does when a dentist drills at your teeth. ICK. The prep for it took the longest and all in all it took probably about 30 minutes or so. It felt like an eternity. At one point I wanted to just jump off the table and say GET ME OUT OF HERE. I think that was due to the speculum and injections.

While she was err...down there...she said she only saw one abnormal spot and that it seems the colposcopy took care of most of the abnormal cells. She took out the bad stuff (what amounted to be 3 samples) and is sending it off. I should get results by next Thursday. She said she'd be surprised if it came back anything bad. She really feels like all is a-okay now. Praise God if so.

I will have to go back for repeat pap smears once every 6 months for the first two years to ensure it's not coming back.

As of right now, I have some mild discomfort and some cramping and light bleeding. I haven't taken any ibuprofen since before the procedure but might in a few.

Tonight, I go to my first pregnancy loss/miscarriage support group meeting. I'm really excited to meet other ladies going through the same thing. I'm meeting up with my fellow TTCAL girl Kelly (BeachCole) again and I'm glad to have someone I know also going with me. I'll be sure to report how it went tonight or tomorrow.

Thank you for all the T's & P's.

Wordless Wednesday

GIVEAWAY! 1 year subscription to Conceive Magazine!

Who likes a giveaway!?! For my 1st giveaway on "...And Baby Makes Three," I'll be selecting one random person to win a one year subscription to Conceive Magazine.

This magazine is a MUST HAVE for anyone TTC. It's such a blessing and the only magazine of its kind, geared toward those struggling with fertility.

Here are the rules to win:
1. Follow me here. You must be a follower of my blog to win. If you're not, click the "Follow" button over to the right.
2. Leave me a comment with your e-mail address (so I can contact you if you win), where you heard about my blog, and why you would love this magazine!
3. Tweet about it! Use the hashtag #BabyMakes3 and link to my blog. Be sure to leave your Twitter name when you leave a comment here.

All three of those must be done or your entry doesn't count. Sorry! The winner will be chosen June 1st, 2010 randomly using that auto-number picker thingy :) GOOD LUCK!

Celebs and Fertility Struggles

Infertility and pregnancy struggles aren't something that is easily talked about in common circles, let alone in the celeb world. Recently, Donald Trump protege Bill Rancic and ET's Guiliana Rancic opened their struggles up to national television. On their show aptly named "Bill & Giuliana," the cameras follow their every move in the diagnosing process. After a year of trying, the couple is deemed "infertile." The doctor's next move is to check for blocked fallopian tubes. As Giuliana discusses in this clip from "The View," thankfully it wasn't blocked tubes but an off-centered uterus. Even after dealing with a colonic procedure, the couple still didn't achieve pregnancy. Later in the series, they visit an IVF doctor and Giuliana realizes that it's a very tough road to be on.

It's disappointing to me that infertility is such a "secret" issue. As Giuliana says, so many women in the spotlight who achieve pregnancy at a much older age do so through IVF or IUI and nobody hears of it. Sometimes, it's even denied! Why? I truly can't understand why it's a big deal if someone turns to medical help to achieve parenthood. The only issue I see is in extreme cases like the ridiculous "Octomom," Nadya Suleman.

During the work I did (and still continue to do) for Fertile Dreams, we had two celebrity spokeswomen come to our annual Gala to raise awareness about infertility and adoption. The two celebrities we've had are Trista Sutter from the ABC show "The Bachelorette" and Brenda Strong from "Desperate Housewives." Trista has been very forthcoming with her struggles and has chosen outlets like the podcast "Conceive On-Air" to discuss what her and husband Ryan have been through. She did finally achieve pregnancy naturally and although a complicated pregnancy, delivered a healthy baby boy. To their surprise, they became pregnant again and had a little girl. David & Courtney Cox-Arquette endured a long, hard struggle to finally get to delivering a healthy girl, Coco. Levar Burton, Marcia Cross, Nancy Grace, Sherri Shepherd, and Lance Armstrong are other celebrities who turned to IVF and other assisted methods.

An even more secretive infertility struggle is the choice to use a surrogate. Matthew Broderick & Sarah Jessica Parker conceived twins through the use of a surrogate. Angela Bassett and Courtney Lee Vance, Robert De Niro, Kelsey Grammer, Diedre Hall, Joan Lunden, Cindy Margolis, Laurie Metcalf, & Dennis Quaid are some celebs who have used a surrogate.

I'm sure if you take a minute to think about all the Hollywood moms out there with multiples or even just one child, your suspicions might come to light. Why the secrecy? It is rumored that stars like Julia Roberts conceived through IVF, although her publicist denies it. CRAZY! We need to do whatever we can to squash the negativity associated with infertility. I applaud the celebrities who have come forward and those celebrating adoptions like Sandra Bullock and Katherine Heigl.

Baby Pando's been to California!

The girls on TheBump are so sweet. Baby Pando has been to GA and CA! :) So jealous!

A Conception Story

Has anyone been to the TLC Channel's website lately? They are hosting an online only series called "A Conception Story," sponsored by our best friends First Response. I haven't watched much of the episodes, but I read the bios of those featured. Most of them are struggling with TTC, two who have already had children, one newly married couple, and one engaged couple who has never tried. I think it's great they are showcasing something like this. It reassures me that more is being said and done to let people know it's not always an easy road to achieving pregnancy. You can watch them here: http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/a-conception-story/

Life

Life. Sigh.

I started back at college on Monday. I'm taking a TON of online classes. Let's see...Financial Accounting, Personal Finance, Entrepreneurship, Intro to Office, General Psych, & Management. Thank goodness I'm not taking them all at once, but spread out over the summer. Sad thing is I've taken half these classes already, yet back in the day I didn't seem to think it was of any importance to study and focus. Anyway, my days are filled with reading and writing and I'm pretty excited about it. I have a strong desire to finish and get my A.S. I'd LOVE to go to University of Florida. I'm a HUGE Gator girl, but their math requirements might be too far out of my league. We'll see.

So more bad news on the health front. My husband has been having weird neurological issues lately. From out of nowhere, his leg starts tingling and goes numb, his upper lip starts burning, his speech slurs, and he somewhat blacks out. All completely not kosher. It's been happening frequently the past few days so he went to day to get it checked out. They are doing blood work at the hospital and sending him to a neurologist. Hopefully we get to the bottom of everything. What a nightmare.

Etsy Awesomeness

I love Etsy, although I've been told by a Facebook friend they are AWFUL to their sellers. Hence the reasoning behind the blog "Etsy Bitch." Anyway, I stumbled across the maker of this bracelet to the left through a post on TheBump's MC/PL board. It's awesome and just what I was searching for for a gift exchange we did on Mother's Day. I'm a terrible person and didn't do it in time, but I'm sure the recipient will LOVE it when she does finally get it. Anyway, it's only $10 and $2 shipping. I wanted to brag about the seller, Butterfly Beads, and suggest it to you if you or someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss. Something this simple goes SUCH a long way. Believe me. I've asked her to create a custom one with November birthstones. I've been dying for something to remember Baby Pando by. Totally awesome and affordable. Here's the link to check it out.

Second, I found another amazing shop when I did a "miscarriage" search. The Midnight Orange is a shop that consists of really amazing and emotional clay sculptures. The one to the right is called "We Were Three." If you click on her Etsy Shop here, and then click on "Angel Sculptures," you'll find many of the ones geared toward loss. INCREDIBLE!

Really? I doubt it.

Okay so before I throw anyone with the picture to the left, let me explain. Last time DH was CONVINCED I was pregnant, I was. Yesterday something just came over me and I felt as if I might be. Today, not so much. We AREN'T trying and pretty much decided that life is good the way it is right now. I just started work, which is WONDERFUL. Anyway, DH is once again CONVINCED I'm Preggers McGreggors. AF will make her appearance within the next week or so, so until then...who knows? With this LEEP procedure coming up, it makes me sorta nervous to think about. I don't know why I felt so strongly yesterday that I might be and today don't feel that way at all. Time will tell I guess!

Wordless Wednesday

Bad News Bears

Nice image right? I stumbled upon it and although it makes me chuckle, it's seriously what happens.

Anyway, after getting the frustrating news my pap smear came back abnormal, they sent me in for my first ever colposcopy. I would have loved to show up drunk, but that wasn't a possibility. It hurt. Bad. I wanted to jump off the table at one point and just run away. Not to scare anyone, because in honesty...it was manageable and obviously I survived. Flash forward a couple days and the results come back even worse. Moderate displaysia with high grade lesions. Basically, this translates to needing another procedure to remove part of my cervix or cervical tissues in order to prevent abnormal cells from growing into cancer. Not kosher. Could this news get any worse at a more worse time?

I won't go into specifics here but my husband and I have been having a very rough time. This weekend was the peak of that and it wasn't a good situation. My mom flew out here to be with me until I decided what I was going to do. I think I just needed some sanity and someone in my corner. So while all of that was occurring, I got the lovely news. I have to endure yet another painful ordeal. Pain doesn't really describe half of it. Obviously, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know when someone scrapes at your cervix it isn't good and it's not going to grow back. This procedure CAN increase my risk of miscarriage. GREAT. Just what I need. After I got that call I basically told myself I don't know what I'm fighting for. I don't know why I continue to desire so strongly to be a mom because it doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me. I know that's not the positive way of thinking, but I'm seriously over it.

I go for the LEEP procedure on May 20th. Hopefully my husband is released on time that day and will be there for it with me. I can't bare enduring this alone. I may sound like a big sissy, but I just can't do it.

In better news...but not...the lump my husband found came back as just a cyst. I had expected that. I had also expected they would tell him he could go sterile if they went into remove it. Awesome. Again, are we really meant to be parents? It doesn't seem like it. So, for now...we wait. We pray it doesn't get bigger or bothersome.

I can't believe this crap is happening.