Thursday, April 29, 2010
I wish I was still able to plan and prep. Imagine what kind of crib we would get, what the baby would look like, going for our first sonogram...all of the awesome things that come with being pregnant. It's hard too knowing Mother's Day is around the corner. Thankfully my mom is coming that weekend to hang out but it's going to be tough. I'm glad I participated in an elfster drawing on the TTCAL board on TheBump.com. All of us have experienced a miscarriage or infant loss and we're doing a "secret santa" type gifting in honor of Mother's Day. Even though we never held our babies or aren't holding them anymore, doesn't make us less than moms. We are and will always be.
For me, I feel sorta left in a cloud of dust. It's hard because I don't expect my friends to understand what it's like to experience a pregnancy and a miscarriage. My best friend got pregnant her first time and has a healthy baby girl to show for it. My other friends haven't ever been pregnant before, so they can't imagine what it's like to lose a "baby" after it barely being inside of you. I think most people don't realize you have an instant connection, a strong bond, way before you even see that child on a monitor in a doctors office. THE SECOND I found out, it was like I was cradling that baby right away. My child was growing inside of me and would be with me for the next 9 months. Something my husband and I did together in love. I instantly wanted to eat better, drink better, exercise better, clean better, everything. We made plans of where to move furniture when the baby came, how to get rid of the things we didn't need, and how to start cutting down expenses to save. This was all in a 48 hour period before finding out we lost it.
I lost a child.
I wish my friends would have reached out more. Sent a sympathy card or something acknowledging the loss. The only acknowledgement I really received was from a total stranger on a message board who sent me a card (i still have it next to my bed) and a book she no longer needed. I realize it's an uncomfortable issue. Do you bring it up or not? What do you say? If you ask any of us, we want you to ask us "What can I do to help?" We don't want to hear you tell us:
*But you're so young! You have your whole life ahead of you!
*Well, at least you know you can get pregnant right?
*It just wasn't meant to be.
*Are you guys going to try again soon?
*It will happen in God's timing.
While those are all things that are said in good faith, please don't say them. Simply say "I'm praying for you. Is there anything I can do? I'm so sorry." Don't forget about it and a few weeks later expect us to be right back on top of everything and happy go lucky. No. We aren't okay. We miss our big boobs, our stretching tummies, our morning sickness, our BFP's, our exhaustion, and our babies. They are gone and can never be replaced. We'll now get the awesome gift of going through each subsequent pregnancy completely PARANOID we're going to lose this baby too. We'll find it very difficult to rejoice and celebrate because we never know when we're going to use the restroom one day and find blood. It's the truth.
The greatest example of friendship I saw was a lady who came on TheBump.com wanting to ask us how she should honor her friend and her loss. It was incredible. She wanted to be sensitive and wasn't sure what to do. We all suggested lots of things but most were jewelery with the babies expected birth month in a birthstone. I think that's an AMAZING idea. Once I start working, I am going to get some sort of pendant with a November stone to remember our first baby. Hopefully I don't have to add anymore to it.
I refuse to dash the fact that I was pregnant. I will celebrate that and celebrate that even for a short while, I had a life growing inside of me and trying so hard to make it. I won't ever forget it.
PS. If you're one of our friends who happens to get pregnant or is pregnant after we have a miscarriage or infant loss...PLEASE don't go rubbing it in our faces. I see this all the time and it's so cruel. Instead, know that we love you and are happy for you but it's just too painful for us to be around your pregnant belly, your baby, etc.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
AF did indeed make an appearance this weekend. I feel really blessed and lucky that she came 5 weeks after my MC. I know for some, it takes months. It started out with some abnormal spotting and then proceeded on as usual. I was scared at first because I was almost a week late and felt pains similar to my MC. I thought I was PG again, which is NOT advisable after a MC. Thankfully, I wasn't.
DH & I have decided to no longer really TTC. I won't be on birth control (I'm opposed to it anyway) and we won't be using OPK's and charting temps. If it happens, fantastic. If it doesn't, we'll shoot for the moon after he's done with the Army in a couple years. I'm fine with it. I want a baby and I'm ready to be a mom, but I'm about to start a new job and we're trying to still get acclimated to married life. The more I think about it, the more I don't want to bring my baby home to a crappy apartment in Central Texas. I know that sounds bad, but I just hate it here so much.
On that subject, I decided to start taking my anti-depressant's. I have always been an advocate for NOT using drugs that control or influence your brains functions. However, I've realized that what I'm going through now, I can't fix on my own. Counseling is great, but it doesn't fix the problem as a whole. I'm nothing but exhausted all the time and it's a good thing we aren't TTC, because for the most part...I'm not interested. I'm feeling hopeful that it will help the light shine through a bit and allow me to get through the challenges that have presented themselves. Yeah, about that.
My annual exam came back abnormal for the first time EVER. I get my exams every year, right on schedule. Never has a single one came back abnormal. I'm crossing my fingers it's just an error or perhaps an affect of the MC. I go in for a biopsy type thing this Friday. I pray it's nothing major. I really don't want to have to deal with anything else. If it does come back and say something that can be fixed and might have caused the MC, I'll be hopeful for the next go round.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I used my Mr. Coffee Automatic Tea Machine, cheating I know. Anyway, I filled the brew pot with 3 Family Size Lipton Black Tea Bags and 1 Tazo Refresh Mint Tea bag. You don't have to do the latter, and you can hardly taste the mint...so you can increase them or just wipe them out. No need to add more Liptons either. I made a 3 quart pitcher and the general rule is 1 Family Size bag per quart. Anyway, I filled the pitcher with frozen peaches and berries, the kind you put in smoothies. Added some ice, and let it brew! You will want to add sugar to your liking once the brewing is done. I love mine sweet, sweet, sweet but I am trying to cut back on all of that. I used about 1/2 cup, but most recipes call for 1 cup. You can also add a few Tablespoons of brown sugar. Stir it all on up and if you can help it, let it sit overnight for the maximum taste. Adding fresh mint leaves would be so fabs, but I didn't have any on hand.
Anyway, forgive me for not typing it out in professional fashion, but in a nutshell...next time you go to brew your sweet tea, think outside the box and add some fresh/frozen fruit. It got my husbands stamp of approval!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Three starts with Jay. He wasn't my dad, but he sure came close. It all started when MY dad (who worked for Lockheed Martin) got transfered to Ocala (90 min North of Orlando). My mom and I packed up and went shortly after. We found an amazing house (eventually) and settled in. My mom had always been able to pick and choose to work or not work, whenever she wanted. My dad has always held higher up positions within LM and has been there for as long as I've been alive. Anyway, one day she waltzed into a consignment shop called "Consignment Cottage" in hopes of getting rid of some of her old clothes and sorts. She got into small talk with the shop owners and walked out with a part-time job. THEY BEGGED HER to do it! I was also at the babysitting age (around 11/12) and began babysitting for Jay & his wifes two young girls. They were probably about 4 & 5 at the time. Thus began a really awesome, incredible journey in my life.
Jay was an incredible man. A steadfast Christian, an amazing family leader, dedicated, determined, strong. He was what I had always hoped to have in a father but never really did. He was a man of strong convictions and was never afraid to instill the fear of God into his girls when he caught them in a lie. I'll never forget some of those tearful convos with the girls in his lap. Anyway, Jay always did this "thing" where he'd stick out his three fingers in the rearview mirror, signaling "I Love You" to us. It was awesome and I promise I'm doing the same thing with my babies :) Oh, and in case you didn't catch it, his name is also 3 letters.
This story takes a devastating turn for me, but before I get there...I must share an incredible memory or two.
One of the fondest memories I have was trading in his Acura for that shiny, white, BMW 323 convertible. We, just Jay & I, set out on a road trip from Ocala to Orlando to find the perfect car. We found it at Fields BMW in Winter Park. (I later got 2 BMW's from this dealership...not at the same time of course!) Anyway, we spent the entire way there and back jammin' out to some tunes and talking about life. Sadly, I don't recall exactly our conversations all these years later. I wish I had known then what I know now. I'd give ANYTHING to have that car in my hands to this day. I still wonder what became of it. Is it still out there on the road? Did someone destroy it in a car accident, never knowing the amazing story behind it? I'll never know. I learned to drive in that car. This man trusted me with a brand spankin' new BMW convertible and taught me the rules of the road. Man.
Second, we all went on a family road trip from Florida up through Nashville where he and his wife first met, fell in love, and got married. Again, we'd stay up...talk about life, the Lord, and jam out to some DC Talk. "In The Light" was the song...again 3 words. I've never been able to hear that song since and not stop and just pour my heart out. That was it. That was it.
May 3rd, 2001 (there's that 3) my life changed and has never been the same.
We don't have answers. You rarely do. We know he was in pain and was having back issues. He went to Shands in Gainesville and sat in the waiting room for hours upon hours upon hours. Never received help. He lost an incredible amount of sleep and it showed. Some of the last pictures we have of him, his eyes were so bloodshot...he hadn't slept in days. He was a walking zombie.
He fixed the fence that morning that his wife had been bugging him about forever. He picked his precious girls up from school early that day, very early. He drove to his parents house in Gainesville, dropping the girls off down the street and encouraging them to race Daddy to Mimi & Pappy's house. Frantically, he called his mom because he didn't have his key. He eventually punched through the front door to gain access, his mom so panicked she was already on her way. The girls caught up and he placed them in the living room, telling them not to go anywhere and flipped on the TV. He walked into his parents room, found the gun in the closet and his mom walked in. She begged and begged for him not to do it, he said something about the mafia, and he was gone.
I'm sharing those details and asking all my blog readers to please have some respect and not spread that around the internet. Not that anyone would, but I need to protect my family. Thank you.
To say it was the most upsetting thing that had and HAS TO THIS DAY ever happened to me, is an understatement. There has been a giant, empty hole in my life since he died. For a few years after, I fooled myself into believing he had just tricked us all and gone away for a while. It would have been such a Jay thing to do. Sometimes, I still glance at a stranger that looks remotely like him and wonder if it is. I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes I can't still come to grips with the fact he's gone. Even if it's been almost 9 years.
I'll never forget finding out about it. I was shopping with my boyfriend and I was grounded. My mom was calling and calling and I wouldn't answer, knowing she probably found out I was out. She was in tears when I answered and said she needed to come get me right away. I had no idea what was happening. Then, she told me and I had the life and the wind sucked from me. I was absolutely inconsolable for days. His funeral, while absolutely beautiful, was a blur to me. His family owns a large franchise and even the founder of this franchise (big time guy) showed up to pay his respects. It was standing room only. He was so loved. On the route from Ocala to Gainesville for the burial, every few miles there were police officers standing to salute the hearse, and us. Still can't wrap my head around it.
I miss him. Painfully. All of the major points in my life, highs and lows I wish he was here for them. He made such a difference in my life. Always taking the burden off of my mom and I, doing whatever he could to make us happy, safe, and comfortable. He came to our rescue so many times after my father left and left us with nothing. He wanted me to make my dreams come true. He was going to do whatever it took to make them happen for me. I know he'd want the same for his girls today, something I should probably remind them of.
For some reason, the past couple days have been haunting me of Jay. Not in a "bad" way, but in a sad way. I get like this every year around this time, knowing what's coming...still not wanting to believe it really happened.
So 3's...as you can see...my 3's come from Jay. In my mind, they are his signals. My first apartment...was 333. There are a ton of others, but recently I realized I will begin my new job on the 9 year anniversary of his death. It will be a tough day, but a happy day. On this same day, I'll pay for my courses for college. Steps in the right direction? It might sound crazy, but I feel it's him encouraging me to do the right thing, keep fighting, keep going, and never give up.
May 3rd, 2010 is going to be a hard day for me, but my life was forever changed by this man and I am grateful.
Friday, April 23, 2010
On a side note, I'm hoping to get accepted there next year to complete my BSBA. Right now, my lack of math skills are holding me back since they won't even look at you without Stats & Calculus. Sigh. *Fingers Crossed*
My Mom Is A Survivor
My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Not even 10 minutes later, I get really super sharp pains in my lower back. They felt just like the start of my MC, but see...my periods ALWAYS feel that way. It's ironic now that I've been pregnant, the similarities between my PMS symptoms and the pregnancy and the MC and my periods. Pretty much the same. Anyway, I'm really crossing my fingers she's coming for a visit. As I type this now, the pain has completely subsided and I don't think it has anything to do with the 2 Advil I just took. Sometimes my AF plays mean tricks on me and does that and doesn't come. I can't stand it.
I'm back to feeling like I don't think we'll TTC anytime soon. At least not with OPK's and timing. We have a lot going right now and although we'd love to be parents, I think we need to just let it happen in God's timing. If we do get PG, fantastic...but I don't think I want to ACTIVELY try anymore. Who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind but for now, I think that's a good decision.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Where would you all love to go on vacation?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve some of the crap that's flying my way. One can only take so much ya know?
My husband went in for a sonogram this morning because we discovered a lump several weeks ago. Well, they called him back a couple hours later and asked him to come into the hospital for additional testing. Great. Not only do I worry about the health of my husband, but our fertile future also. What if it's nothing but a fluid filled cyst and when it gets removed...someone makes an oops!?! That's part A of this story.
Part B, about 2 hours later I get a phone call from my OBGYN saying my pap came back abnormal. This is the first time ever. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm scared. I know it could be nothing major or it could be cervical cancer. I know that only 2% come back as the latter, but it's frightening.
I don't understand why all this is happening. Why can't my husband and I just be happy and lead filling lives? Why are we always being strung up in some sort of bad situation? One thing after the next. I know God doesn't punish and you're supposed to rejoice in your trials, but my faith was tested during this MC and now I find it being shaken to the core.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Today was my visit with my new OB/GYN. She's fantastic! If I could pack her in a suitcase and bring her with me everywhere I go, I would. I think the one thing I'll be sad about when DH is out of the Army is her. Her beliefs are RIGHT THERE with mine. Vitamins, exercise, eat healthy, God. SO GREAT! I spent an hour and a half in her office today just chatting about research studies and ways to be healthy.
I started at the gym today. I only did 2 miles on the treadmill which kinda sucks but I've been out of the gym now for over a year. I'll get back into it soon. I'm going to ATTEMPT yoga tomorrow, although I've never done it. YIPES!
Hubs and I are doing much better. I didn't share that with everyone here but we've been having some issues lately and he's starting to recognize his "failures." I am feeling much better about that area of my life. Still some work to do, but we'll get there.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Stumbled upon this song from TheBump.com's Pregnancy Loss message board that I frequent for support. An incredible and amazing story of God given strength during a crisis. The first is the story behind the song and the second is the song itself put to their family photos.
Grab a mop and bucket. Forget the tissues.
Grab a mop and bucket. Forget the tissues.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I also got my records from my RE today. I had forgotten which ovary had the PCOS diagnosis and which one was borderline. Sure enough, the one I always feel ovulation from was the left one, the non-PCOS ovary. My right ovary is the one I always feel pain from after intense workouts and other things....the PCOS ovary. Pretty incredible. I had figured as much but wanted to confirm. I also wanted to bring them to my OB/GYN appointment so she could look them over.
Ya know, sometimes I forget that God really does provide. He really gives you exactly what you need, when you need it. Sure, I'd love to be a mom and am still fumbling with how that could have been taken away from me...but I know it wasn't because God was punishing me. I know He has something for me in the future. It's just incredible that even through one of my friends sending me a gift card, he managed to orchestrate exactly what I needed at that time.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers. I feel them for sure and the past couple days have been looking up for me. It's working. Thank you!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Each year Fertile Dreams gives away several $10,000 grants to assist couples with IVF and soon, for adoption also. The award is based on financial need and recipients are chosen by a special grant committee. Amazingly, Fertile Dreams has already seen babies from this miracle grant and is hoping to change more and more lives each year.
Here's where you come in.
This year, we are hosting an event called "Fertile Dreams on the Greens" at the Ritz Carlton Grande Lakes in Orlando, Florida. Our special (and WAY awesome) guest is LPGA Pro & World Golf Hall of Famer, Annika Sorenstam. The event is taking place Mother's Day weekend on Friday, May 7th.
Some of you may be saying, "Well, I don't live in Orlando, let alone Florida...so what gives!?!" We are in need of sponsors to make this event a complete success. Sponsorships for the event start at just $350 and go all the way up to $10,000 for a Title Sponsorship. Imagine being able to say you gave the gift of life to a deserving couple. Awesome. If sponsorship isn't really your thing, please...consider donating an item to our silent auction. These things can be custom paintings, a week at your timeshare or vacation property, website design, new and unworn high end shoes or purses, custom-made jewelry, gift baskets, rare bottles of wine, pottery, sculptures, tickets to concerts, VIP experiences, sports events, etc., celebrity autographed items, etc.
I challenge you to please pass this blog entry onto everyone you know. We all know someone who has something to give, whether financially or in the form of a great auction item. Feel free to copy and paste it into your blog or mention it with a link. I would be forever grateful.
More information on the event and Fertile Dreams can be found at http://www.fertiledreams.org
You can also find us on Twitter @FertileDreams and on Facebook.
I just finished "Eat, Pray, Love" after only about a week of reading. Prior to that I was fixed on my Ava Gardner auto-biography which was basically a novel. While at Target today, I snatched a copy of "What to Expect Before You're Expecting." I love those series of books and I think I'll do a giveaway for a copy here in a bit, so stay tuned!. I'm SO GLAD they finally came out with one for people TTC. I love that you can put it down and come back to it since it's more in Q&A form. Right now, I'm most fixed on eating properly once we begin TTC again. Oh yeah, after fighting (not literally) with DH about trying again, I think I've made significant progress. (Everyone shout Hallelujah!) He says after AF comes again and my body is healed, we'll try again. He fears the psychological impacts another MC would do, but he knows how badly I want to be a mom.
I went to my weekly therapy appointment (I despise the word therapy BTW) and talked to her about my deepening depression. I noticed a significant slide in my outlook since the first week I saw her (about 4 weeks ago). I feared I might need to start anti-depressants which (no offense to anyone), I'm very against. I never in my life imagined I'd need them. I'm always the cheery, happy, laughing, positive girl. She suggested the same, at least just for 6 months. I think I'm going to try really, really hard to dig down deep and avoid taking them. It's going to be a challenge as I know I'm experiencing a serious period of depression, but it must be done. For me, medicine is always a last effort for anything.
My mom is flying out Mother's Day weekend for a quick weekend trip. I'm excited for that since I haven't seen her since DH & I got married NYE.
Oh, how can I forget. Easter I also found out my dad was getting married. Why is this a big deal to a 25 year old grown women? I am not a major fan of his now fiancee. Without going into too many details and even though without those details I'll sound like a money grubbin' girl...I fear my dads finances/estate with this marriage. It's been a concern of mine for a very long time and I had hoped I'd never need to sit down and have that talk with him, but I do. Whether or not this will do anything...who knows? Probably not. But, I have to attempt to after all...he is my father and I his only child. When I got the news, it broke me. I hung up and burst into tears. Of course, DH doesn't quite understand but I don't expect him too. Sigh. It was the LAST thing I needed to hear at this point. Such is life I guess. I had some sort of sick feeling my father would have a wedding before I did.
PS. If any of you ever want to reach me via email, my address for this blog is: BabyMakes3Blog@yahoo.com.
Thanks for reading, following, and commenting. It always feels like Christmas when I get a new comment :)
Baby dust to all of you!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thankfully, I woke up to a great Easter Egg surprise by my husband. He had placed eggs, cards, and treats all over our little apartment for me to find. The climax of it all was an AMAZING new Coach bag. The Audrey Black Leather Satchel to be exact! :) Yay for our first GREAT holiday! Right?
Then, we preceeded to a new Church I've wanted to try out. The one we went to first was a little to BLAH for me. I come from a home Church in Orlando with a sanctuary that holds 5,000 people and is always FULL. This is the first time I've been to Church since the MC. I'm a strong Christian, and I know God didn't punish me by ending my pregnancy...but, I can't help but feel somewhat questioning or resentful in a way. My experience on Easter Sunday didn't help matters.
After we're nice and cushy cozy in our seats, a pregnant woman plops down directly in front of me. Next, one plops directly next to my husband, and lastly...one parades in right before Church starts and sits a few rows in front of me. It felt like every single pregnant woman in the place sat right next to me. It felt like it was intentional. Was I sitting in the pregnancy section?!? I know having a MC makes you "hyper aware" but I'm telling you...every pregnant woman who was about to pop was sitting near me. It sucked.
I spent the entire service trying to focus while fighting back tears. I tried so hard just to remind myself that God will take care of me and make it happen when it's supposed to. It's just tough.