Favorite Things Friday

Here are a few of my favorite things I thought I'd share this week.

My Tervis Tumblers! I got the one above for my bday but our house is FULL of them. I'd have to say my favorite is either the Gators one or my GOP elephant :) I have a wierd thing about straws so I love that you can travel with them with a lid and straw. SO GREAT! These are going to be my Christmas gifts for everyone this year and when hubs and I renew our vows in 2012, all of my girls will get a personalized one. You cant go wrong with Tervis!

My most favorite mascara in the whole wide world. DiorShow is incredible. It's slightly pricey, but not too bad and it works amazingly well. I've never had flakes or smudges or runs under my eyes. BEST mascara.

Have you gals tried this lotion? It's PHENOM! We know the baby stuff is great but they finally caught on to us and made it into an adult form. It has a similar feel and smell, but just way more feminine. I love it!

I'm a wino to the max. Pre-TTC I had to stop drinking alcohol all together. I didn't HAVE to, but I knew if I wanted to have my enventually baby, I'd need to one day. Now that I'm recovering from my MC and waiting on AF, I'm back to enjoying a glass or two every week. This is one of my all-time favorites. I'm a huge Pinot Noir girl but this white varietal is increds. Check for it on some of your chain restaraunts, they might have it.

I visited the Sokol Blosser vineyards in Willamette about 2 years ago. Amazing region for great wines.

Inspiration for Today

Hebrews 10:23

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."

I Would Die For That

Well, so much for my accomplishment of not crying today. Grab your tissues ladies and gents.

I Haven't Cried Today!

So, on a positive note...today has been the first day I haven't cried. *Knock on wood* Yay for me! It seems everytime I go into the Target where I took my second PT, I get a little bummed. I think I'm noticing babies a lot more too, but I'm used to seeing them and being a little bummed anyway.

Well, on the flip side...I'm frustrated as H E L L! Being that I'm a military spouse, we have TRICARE...which is a form of government healthcare. (yippie skippy!) Although I'm grateful to have healthcare at all, I'll be blunt...I think it sucks big time. For those of you not familiar with the military world...there are two forms of TRICARE. Standard & Prime. Prime is basically an HMO. You have a PCM (primary care manager) and you have to see them for EVERYTHING and get permission to see ANYONE else. Everything is basically free with this option. If you want to feel like a normal human being, there's Standard. This is what I choose to have. It is more like a PPO. You pay more out of pocket ($50 deductible and either 85/15 or 80/20) but you have choices of where you can go whenever you want to go.

Because of my existing issues with fertility, I know having Prime is just not an option for me. I have SUCH a bad taste in my mouth from regular OB/GYN care and refuse to just go with the flow. So, since having the MC...I've gotten this fire of determination to try this one more time. So, I need to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist here. HA. Funny. First of all, the closest major city to us is Austin...about an hour away. TOTALLY manageable. Well, all of the fantastic fertility clinics and RE's there...don't take TRICARE in any form. So that means we'd be paying 100% out of pocket for everything. Ummm yeah. So, the next option is Dallas...a 5 hour roundtrip drive. FML. They house the only RE that will accept TRICARE standard. Can my life get anymore sucky mcsuckerson?

Call me spoiled, but my whole life I grew up with PPO care. I could see whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted and I did so. Without that, I would have never been diagnosed with PCOS.

So, I'm going to be a big girl and give Fort Hood's womens clinic a shot at doing the right thing. They are obviously much closer and being that we aren't anywhere near doing IVF or IUI, hopefully they'll handover the goods and help me maintain a pregnancy. I swear, if they tell me to keep trying for a year or have a few more miscarriages before they help me...I'll punch them in the face. Sorry, but as you can tell...I have an angst for OB/GYN's.

If that doesn't work, I guess we'll be making the crazy long trip to Dallas every now and again for testing and results. I'm hoping they'll be able to get it all done in 2 trips since I'm already diagnosed and just need management. Pray for us to be able to get the answers we need and the proper care and treatment.

Thanks ya'll!

Choices

Today was a slightly better day. I'm still not motivated to do much of anything, but I guess it's getting a little easier. I finally stopped bleeding. One of the really annoyingly upsetting aspects of a miscarriage is that it isn't just over. You have to deal with it for a while longer.

I think I've decided to spend our 3 months of not being able to TTC, searching for a good RE and exploring our options and solutions. Hubs has never had a SA done and although I'm certain the MC was from my side, it can't hurt to have one done.

I feel at such a disadvantage here. We will have to drive to Austin (an hour away) to receive care from an RE. There just aren't any near us. On top of it, none of them are covered under TRICARE, so we'll have to pay a large portion ourselves. Joy. The closest TRICARE approved one is in Dallas, 2.5 hours away. Not exactly conducive to an after work doctors appointment. Being that hubs is military, it makes it difficult for doctors appointments. Can't just make them when you want and take off of work. So, we're going to have to find someone with weekend hours. The one I have my eye on, does. Fantastic.

I think the intial trauma of the MC has worn off and now I'm just grieving. I've found the message boards over at TheBump.com have helped a great deal. Some great ladies over there. I think after we spend the next 90 days searching for answers, we'll evaluate whether we want to try again. I'm actually now leaning towards going for it one last time before deployment. We'll see.

Thanks to everyone who has lifted me and hubs in prayer. It's so needed and so appreciated.

Depression

So, I'll warn you now that my usually cheery and positive self is no where to be found at this present time. I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I'm "complaining" and putting negative energy out there for everyone to read about, but right now...I have no other venue to express myself.

I think I have a severe case of situational depression right now. I've gone through some really, really rough things in my life and had bouts of situational depression before. It stayed for a while, I got help for it in the form of counseling, and eventually it faded. I think where I'm at right now is one of my super super low points. I'm not sure I'll be able to get rid of it staying in this situation I'm in.

This morning, I'd love to be able to pick up the phone and text or talk to one of my friends. Well, my cell phone is totally MIA. We went out last night for my bday dinner, but I brought it nowhere as I only had a clutch. It wouldn't fit. I took everything valuable and important out of my purse and left it in the backseat on the floorboard. I'm pretty sure my phone might have been inside. I think I made sure I had it when I left the house. Well, it's not in my car. Anywhere. Under the seats, in the center console, in the glovebox, and it's not in my purse. I really hope our valet didn't steal it. I just don't see where else it could be. Even something as minor as not having a phone right now, is making my emotions a hell of a lot worse. To top it off, I know I'm going to get blasted by my husband when he comes home about it. Great. More negativity.

This miscarriage has totally de-railed me. I was already feeling low on life because of how much I hate it here in Texas and because I'm just unhappy in every aspect of my life. My husband does NOT make it easy on me at times. I know babies aren't meant to save you or fix problems, but for those 48 hours I felt incredible. Like I had a reason to be better and to want more and to be happy. Then it was all taken from me, which made the already unhappiness that was there become even more extreme.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was a HUGE disappointment. I don't think huge even describes it. I knew it wasn't going to be fabulous because of what had happened, but I wasn't prepared for such a let-down. I feel like my husband gave no effort whatsoever. After having the weekend we had, I really thought he would do everything he could to cheer me up. I didn't get a card, gift, flowers, or anything. He gave me a Tervis Tumbler (a $15 cup) a week ago, which I presumed was an early bday present...not the only thing I'd be getting. He came home with one rose on my bday after work, which sounds bratty to be pissed about...but I've never gotten flowers from him ever. Our entire dating/married life...he's gotten me an "I'm Sorry" card, my wedding BAND, the cup, and the rose. Birthdays are such a big deal to me man, and I totally told him so for a really long time. I even texted him that morning to let him know that if he wasnt going to get a birthday cake to let me know so I could go get one. That it was one of my favorite parts of having a birthday. He said he got it later when I asked him, but guess what...no birthday cake. I told him I loved loved loved balloons...nothing. It would have been nice for him to leave me a card in the AM when he left for work or have his SGT (who is a good friend and neighbor of ours) put flowers out or a cake or something while we were at dinner. All it took was a little bit of effort. It's exhausting.

For the second night in a row we had cops in our neighborhood. The first time was for two guys yellling, screaming, and fighting each other while throwing around the "N" word every two seconds. They were at it for 30 minutes at 3am before we called the cops.  Last night, something crazy happened. IDK if someone stole a car and wound up running from the cops into our complex or what but I was asleep on the couch and literally jumped from sleep with the breath knocked out of me because the cop car had its lights on and came chasing down another car. It sounded like they were going to wreck and smash into the cars parked in the parking lot or one of our buildings. I know someone got arrested and the car was towed.

I'm just drained. Exhausted. I try so hard all the time to find the good in things, the silver lining, the light...but I just can't right now. I'm going to talk to my therapist on Friday (wish I could get in sooner) about something more severe. I don't know what I need, but this day to day life here just isn't working.

In Pictures

Well, although it's seemingly pointless now...I'm in the process of uploading pictures from my digi cam and stumbled across the finding out/telling him pictures. I figured I'd share them here with you all. I think it's kinda therapeutic for me.

My BFP's. I miss them.

The bag I put everything in to surprise hubs :)

The onesie that was inside...telling him I was pregnant.

And although I'm a little embarassed to put this on here,

of course I did a "Just Found Out" tummy pic.

Happy Birthday to Me

Devestated

I don't really know what to say. The tears just keep coming. Nonstop.

I don't know how I could be so attached to something that was hardly here. I know it hadn't developed into anything significant, but to me...it was no less than a baby. I believe life begins at conception and the fact my husband and I WERE able to get pregnant, is no less to me. We had a baby that tried to make it. I so wanted to give it a fighting chance, even though I knew the odds were against us.

Sometimes, I blame myself. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I shouldn't have over-exerted myself and done so much cleaning Saturday night. Almost immediately after, my back started aching. Did I cause it? I know they say most often you don't, but I can't help but wonder if I did something wrong. I'm angry with my husband. He should have done more to help me. We shouldn't have had sex. I know it's not either of our faults, but I just can't help but be angry.

It's the ultimate trick. You wait your entire life to get a positive pregnancy test. I can't tell you how many I've taken in the past, just because my periods were so infrequent. I sat on the toilet on Friday, already convincing myself that it was okay. I knew it wouldn't be positive. It would be okay, I told myself. I was young and we had plenty of time to give it more effort. After all, this was only the first time with an OPK. And then, it came. My BFP I had waited my entire life for, came. I was going to be a mommy. The moment I thought would never happen, came.

And just like that it was gone.

I feel like some cruel trick has been played on me. Like someone somewhere is getting back at me for something that I did. My 25th birthday is tomorrow and instead of the ultimate gift of a baby growing inside of me, I get to visit the Labor & Delivery floor of the hospital to have them tell me that indeed...my baby is gone. Why? Everytime I have to go to the bathroom, I bleed and that's a constant reminder in and of itself. My cramping is still here and I wish it would all just go away. Leave me alone.

I know all of this stuff is supposed to make you stronger. It will make us appreciate it more when we do have it for good right? Whatever. The plans were perfect. Hubs would be here throughout the entire pregnancy and the birth. We'd have a baby under the Christmas tree this year. He'd be here for a few months after and then deploy. I'd go home to Orlando, be with my family and raise the baby until he came back. It was the perfect plan. And now it's gone.

I don't feel like doing this again. I know you should just get back on the horse and ride again, but I just don't want to. I think as soon as I'm in the clear and my period comes next month, I'm heading for birth control. I don't want this torture and now there isn't enough time to have a baby before he deploys. He won't be here for the entire thing. I know that's not the end of the world and tons and tons of women have done it before, but we wanted to try to avoid that at all costs.

I know miscarriages happen for a reason, but why. Why me God?

And Just Like That...

It's with a heavy heart and quick fingers that I must share with you all...

Friday morning, I got my BFP. I was so excited, in shock, yet also fearful.
I went to Target, got more tests, and they were positive. I picked up a onesie that said "My Heart Belongs to Daddy," stuck it in a camo bag and went to work to surprise my husband. He cried. I cried. It was the moment I had longed for my entire life. But it wasn't meant to be.

This morning I woke up to severe cramping and knew something wasn't right. We rushed to the ER after I bled into toilet, only to discover I miscarried.

Husband and I are trying to keep our heads up, but it's really difficult. Just as we were blessed with a miracle, it's gone. Please pray for us as we endure this struggle.

Thank you.

Questions

Okay. Today marks Day 2 of late period. This is totally normal...sorta. Periods come and go as they please but for the past 9 months, they've been pretty steady...always coming on the 17th. Like I said in previous posts, I've missed maybe one cycle in the past 9. Anyway, I tested early...twice. Nada. I started feeling like my period was coming yesterday and today. Just very faint back ache that came and went. I think it's uber frustrating to me now to be actively trying, testing negative, period signs, yet nothing. I wish it would just come already. I'm going to test for the last time tomorrow morning. Now I'm past my period date so isn't that the right time to get a definite answer? I'm sure it will be negative or my friend will pay her visit...but this is driving me insane. One last time.
Hubs and I have had talks lately about "trying." We have so many stressors in our lives right now (who doesn't, I know) and I just started counseling. Hubs and I didn't have a lot of time together before we got married physically, so living together is causing us to learn a lot about each other we didn't know before. You know, newlywed stuff. So, I'm having more of a hard time with it because I'm so headstrong and used to fighting for survival. Not literally, but you know what I mean. So, we've discussed just being "us" for a while. Not totally trying with OPK's and stuff, but not avoiding it either. If it happens, it was meant to be. If not, it wasn't.

My only issue is deployment. Although they are saying the guys won't leave again until Summer 2011, you just never know. The Army can take him anytime they want. I know zillions of military wives have given birth without their husbands by their sides due to deployment, but I really want to try to avoid this as much as possible. So, I'm thinking that the next 6 months...we'll continue on, just without OPK's. If no preggo by September, I think I'll be going on the dreaded birth control for a couple years, until he gets back, we move, and get settled into wherever it is we'll be calling home for good.

It's such a complex issue as a military spouse. I've written about it before in my other blog and tonight, I don't have the energy to explain since its midnight and a monster migraine is creepin'. None the less, when I have more energy I'll explain.

Gisele Bundchen Meditated Through Birth!

Okay so as much as I hate to admit it, I LOVE celebrity gossip. I've gotten better at not checking TMZ on a daily basis and I can't STAND Perez Hilton. He needs to seriously look in the mirror. Anyway, I think it's super great that a model like Gisele Bundchen still paraded the runways while pregnant. THE industry is so strict that it was amazing they "allowed" it. Doesn't she look great!?!

Well, if you've been keeping up on your celeb gossip, you know she had a bouncing baby boy with hubby Tom Brady this past December. Here's an article I found that is featured in this months Vogue magazine, out March 23rd (MY BDAY!). Enjoy!

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady welcomed their first son together in December, and now, in a candid interview with Vogue (on newsstands March 23), the model is opening up and sharing intimate details about the birth of her baby boy, Benjamin Rein. The first-time mother also reveals that she meditated through the birth and "felt like E.T" the first time she stepped in front of the camera after giving birth. "For the first time, I think I actually saw me -- the inside -- instead of the persona," she says.



Bundchen also shows off her post-pregnancy bod -- complete with a very flat stomach. "I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds," she admits.


Why she had her son at home [with a midwife on hand] instead of at the hospital: "I wanted to experience the transformation... It was the most amazing experience of my life, feeling him come through my body. And once he was born, I never felt so empowered as looking at him and thinking, 'Oh, my God, we did it together!'"

Gisele on her baby's name, Benjamin Rein: "I wanted him to be called River because I wanted something always flowing, immortal. My husband said, 'There's no way we're going to call him River.' But my father's name is Reinoldo, so it's a homage to him. And it's like water."


On staying in shape while pregnant: "I did kung fu up until two weeks before Benjamin was born, and yoga three days a week. I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds."


On keeping out of the public eye: "I felt like my pregnancy was a sacred moment for me. I stayed in Boston and I didn't work apart from the contracts I have, and then I only let them use my face."


On her first time behind the camera since her son was born: "I got to the studio and I felt like I was E.T. -- whoa, what's going on? Hair and makeup? I hadn't looked at myself in a mirror for a month and a half. Usually, as I walk through the door into that atmosphere, I already feel different. There's a button that goes On and I'm On. And when I go On, there is almost no me; there is just a character who is doing all this. This time it wasn't like that. For the first time, I think I actually saw me -- the inside -- instead of the persona."

Read the full article here.

BFN

Well, if today were a Wordless Wednesday, I'd just leave that image. So, although I tested way early...like 5 days ago and got a BFN...I tested yesterday, one day ahead of schedule and got another BFN. Today is supposed to be my "real" testing day, but I don't see the point. Aunt Flo is supposed to be coming on Wednesday, so I'll just wait until she makes her appearance. If for some reason she doesn't, I'll test again. Perhaps I'll blood test instead or something, just to be sure. My 25th birthday is coming next week and I'd hate to go on some vino binge and be pregnant.

I can't say I'm heartbroken about it or surprised. I mean, yeah...baby would be great. Don't get me wrong. The whole point of my blog is that I'm dying to be a mom. But, I think things tend to happen for a reason for the most part.

Hubs & I have been having major stress lately. We reached a boiling point and after having an intense "breakthrough" yesterday, hopefully we're on the right track. I'm going to hopefully be starting a new job in May, taking care of a newborn. I've had tons of experience as a nanny and this job will be fantastic for me. I hope. I'm sure sometimes I'll be bummed I don't have one of my own, but perhaps it will get my baby itch out of my system so I can focus on earning additional money for us to throw into savings. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just go on BC and forego the whole thing. Not because I'm impatient and want to give up, I just wonder if it's the right time.

Interview with Hethir Rodriguez

Hey there friends! I stumbled across THIS YouTube video a couple years ago explaining how to make awesome fertility boosting smoothies with Maca Powder, Flax Seed Oil, Dong Quai, and Chaste Tree Berry. AWESOME. Well, when I found Hethir Rodriguez on Twitter, I asked if I could interview her to help enlighten my readers on the power of natural fertility.

So, now is the time to ask your questions! Please comment here with a question, or two, or ten relating to anything IF. Wonder what you can do at home to boost your fertility? Wonder what foods you should eat or stay away from? Heard an old wives tale about something? PLEASE ASK! I will submit the questions to her and I will feature the interview here on my blog. You can also email them to me at BabyMakes3Blog@yahoo.com

You can check her out on twitter too by clicking here. Visit her website by clicking here.

Anxious

So seriously, I had this Barbie doll growing up. My mom was always one of those open moms who talked to you about everything and sex was no exception. I had Dr. Ruth books and other childrens books on sex and...a pregnant barbie doll. The baby inside was also so anatomically correct, he had a little penis. CRAZY. The funny thing is, I went to private school. Bringing this for show and tell...not a good idea. I was sent to the principals office in 3rd grade and was traumatized.

Anyway, I'm anxious and nervous. In about 6 days, I can take and OTC Early Pregnancy test and find out if Baby Pando is on his or her way. I don't feel any different. Should I? It's only month one of trying with OPK's so I'm doubtful, but hopeful. My ovulation was on the 1st or the 2nd, so technically...I'd hardly be pregnant at this point anyway. Urg.

Hubs has been super cute. He thinks I'm pregnant like after every time we have sex. He's crazy. None the less, he's been kissing my belly and calling it Emma Sophia for the past few days. HAHA. I think it's adorbs, but I try not to get too wrapped up in that until we know for sure.

Here's to a miracle!

OPK Try #1

Yep, I'm sharing my pee sticks with the world!
Okay so I just now realized, I put the wrong month on the ones in blue. I should have put a number 3. Oh well. You get the point. I know they are super hard to read because it's a camera picture, but for me and hubs...it was blatantly obvious I had the darkest line on March 2nd and the closest to that on March 1st. I had NO line whatsoever today, the 3rd. I wanted to post these for any newbie TTC'ers who haven't used OPK's yet. I have been told by one of my awesome commenters, that PCOS can give you false readings...so who knows if this is accurate or not. But, I do know that the days I got the darkest readings were days 12 and 13 after my period began. The typical they say is on day 14 of a 28 day cycle. My cycles are usually about 4 days in length, so I'm guessing that would be right on target?

Here's to hoping we have some sort of magic baby dust showered over us and we get pregnant on hardcore try month one!
PS. If you want to see the lines up close, you can click on the picture and it will blow it up. And for those newbies to OPK, your test line is the top line, with the bottom line being the standard you compare it to.

Natural Birth

So, let me begin by giving a little bit of a disclaimer here. For some reason, people get kinda touchy about discussing natural child birth versus a "medical" birth. I am in no way shape or form "dissing" on giving birth in hospitals or with medication. I am going to blog however, on my hopes to have a medicine-free birth in a birthing center. There ya go.


Okay, so I have long hoped that I would be able to go the medicine free route and also have my future babies in a birthing center. I don't know exactly when I decided that was the thing I wanted to do. I consider myself to be a "non-medicine" gal in general. It may have been because I hadn't had insurance in 5 years until I married my husband. So, at one time...I was given pain medicine for my periods, but when the insurance ran out...I was made to deal with it on my own. And I did. Granted, the month before last...I was MISERABLE. I thought I was going to die. I knew I wasn't going to and that I would be able to make it through, but it was terrible. I hadn't had a cycle like that in a REALLY long time. I was bleeding through like every 20 or 30 minutes, throwing up constantly (couldn't even keep sips of water down), and was on my hands and knees on the floor. I made it though. See, with me throwing up...I can never take any type of over the counter pain killer. I take it, and 5-10 minutes later it's out of my system. It sucks, so I just have to deal with the pain until it subsides. I wonder if that sounds familiar to any of you?

Anyway, I know that childbirth will be a pain like I have never experienced. Maybe I'll cave and cry out for an epidural if I'm in a hospital (I don't think birthing centers can administer them)...but the plan for me is to try to go about my birthing experience as light and medicine free as possible.

I've talked to people on both sides of the issue. Everyone I've personally talked to that has had a hospital/epidural birth has given medicine two thumbs up and thinks it's the best way to go. I will definitely say that I'm sure it provides for a much more comfortable birthing experience, where you can enjoy yourself and ATTEMPT to relax a bit. For me, I don't think birth is supposed to be the most comfortable experience of your life. It's one of the most challenging (if not MOST challenging) things you can allow your body to do. It's what we were created for, designed for. We are so capable of letting our bodies take over and working with them to do the work.

I'll never forget a conversation I had a couple years ago at my friends' son's 1st birthday party. It was with the proud father of a newborn, very new. He and his wife had two other children prior to the new baby and had stark differences in their birthing experiences. The two previous children were born under hospital care and the newborn was born at a birthing center. I believe she had epidurals with the first two and not with the new baby. He couldn't say enough about how wonderful the experience at the birthing center was. I remember him saying the difference was quite amazing in just how alert and healthy the new baby was compared to their older children. Not that the other children weren't healthy, but new baby was just amazingly different. This dad, sat on the floor with his newborn and just chatted with me for a good 30 minutes or so on how they would do it again that way in a heartbeat. Awesome.

I know for me, water is one of the very very very few things that helps to alleviate my menstrual pain. If I climb into a hot tub of water and breathe it out...it takes the edge off. That makes me think about a water birth. They call it "nature's epidural" and I can totally understand why because of my experience with cramps. It's not something I'm totally sold on yet because I don't know how I feel about my husband being in the water with me. I had always pictured it with him by my side coaching me through pushing, not in a tub of water sitting behind me where I can't see his face and reaction. I guess a mirror could be set-up near the tub or something. Anyway, I think it's another great option I will consider.

If you haven't seen the documentary by Ricki Lake called "The Business of Being Born," please check it out! I know it's available to rent through NetFlix online and you can also go to the documentary website and rent it online for $6.99. IT IS SO WORTH SEEING. It wasn't an in your face medicine is evil documentary, but it did point out that medicine is a business. Doctors get paid more for C-Sections, they are quicker, and allow them to move on and deliver more babies. That's pretty much a fact. The USA has one of the highest infant death rates of all the nations in the entire world, yet we are so much more medically invasive than other countries. Strange right? Obviously, there are plenty of times when intervention by C-Section is medically necessary to deliver a safe baby. I'm not saying they are "bad." But, I'm sure there are plenty of women who have had "bad" experiences with their C's.

Here's some videos I thought were pretty interesting:
Natural Birth from Baby Center.com
Orgasmic Birth Movie
The Business of Being Born Trailer
Interview with Austin Midwife
Another Interview with an Austin Couple