Ugh. Last night was a giant hot mess. I was staying at a friends house and TOTALLY could not get to sleep. I was exhausted and wanted to crash around 11pm. Naturally, that's just not in my vocabulary anymore. I stayed up until like 3am texting with a friend of mine about all of the crappity crap going on in our lives.
It's hard to find people my age going through divorce. One of my good friends just finalized hers but we aren't able to hang out or talk as much. Circumstances I think are a little different too. I don't know how many of you out there have experienced divorce but for me, the whole thing comes in crazy waves. Just like grief. I'm happy to no longer be in a negative and scary environment. I'm glad I'm not contributing to the misery and demise of a relationship either. I'm glad I took a stand and got out. At the same time, I still struggle 20% of the time with not wanting this divorce at all. Wishing things were different.
I think it's so easy to remember the good times. The happy stuff. The feelings. I didn't realize it but I still have all of the emails in my inbox from when we talked during deployment. My old facebook still has the zillions of messages we sent back and forth too. SUCKS. I'll never read them again. Too painful. Memories of a time when things were hopeful, happy, and healthy. Everything happened so fast. I guess it's only natural the end came so quickly. I didn't want it to. I wanted to love him for the rest of his life. I wanted to fight through the bad times and get to the good. It just got so toxic we couldn't do it without separating and that wasn't an acceptable option to the other party. Sucks. Really bad.
In some ways, I still wish to grow old with this man, as crazy and ridiculous as that sounds. I'm heartbroken (though some uglies would refuse to believe) over the fact he has MS. It terrifies me. I would almost feel better if I knew he had a fantastic, serious girl in his life again that would be taking care of him forever. Strange but somewhat true. It's always been my nature though to feel for people what they don't feel or express to me. In my past relationships, I've been the receiver of immense amounts of hate and hurt...only to discover after the fact it was unintentional. Just a mans way of dealing with the pain he is feeling. I know this is his case, but it hurts me more than anything that we cannot be friends. Regardless of what he's done, I'd love nothing more than to still be able to care for him. Though, I know this is no longer my job nor an option. All I can do is pray that he makes it on his own and finds someone else to or the comfort of God to provide for him. It's really, really sad.
If I could snap my fingers, rewind the tape, go back in time...I'd do things 100% differently. I don't want to be divorced at 25. I want to be married to a good man, have a family, and live life together. I'm really sad it can't be with the person I wanted it to be with. There was a reason I married him. It wasn't because of his uniform and CERTAINLY not for the money. As I've said before, it's no secret our service members don't get paid. Glenn Beck mentioned the other day that the pay is practically at poverty line or below. Ridiculous. It's still all hard to believe. I know it's happening. I know there is nothing I can do to fix it. There is no going back. I know this is what has to be done. I hate it. It's going to take a really long time to digest this stuff.
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