Sleepless Night #2

Here we go again.

I just finished Angie Smith's book "I Will Carry You." It was an amazing read and left me with a few bullet points that will help me as I grieve this incredible loss. I would like answers on when it will stop hurting, though nobody has them. Unfortunately for me, Angie says there is no telling when the pain will cease. It just comes down to what we do with the pain. Either allow it to break us or use it to our advantage. I'm not ready to give it to God, let it go, and rejoice just yet. It's been 9 months since I lost the baby and it LITERALLY still feels like yesterday. I sure weep like it was. 

Tonight, I'm distraught. I want to scream in agony.

My heart is heavy and I'm pouring into this blog.

I don't want to get a divorce.

I've said it over and over on here, then said the opposite. The truth of the matter is I don't want to at all. Growing up my entire life I've proclaimed that I don't believe in them, regardless of the circumstances. Before deciding to leave him, I struggled and struggled and struggled relentlessly over the decision to stay or to go. I went to my Church, tried to sit through the service without melting down, and visited with a prayer counselor for almost 30 minutes after. Needing to know it was okay. Needing to hear that God would forgive us. That He would forgive me. That He would allow this to happen and be okay with it. Something just isn't sitting right with me. I have NO IDEA if this is normal. I presume it is. I want to scream, and cry, and destroy everything in sight. This is not what I wanted.

Sitting at my computer screen, staring at my Skype I read ugly, hateful words from him (left a month ago) where 18 months ago....loving, pure, gentleness once was. How did things go so wrong? How did we go from all the promise in the world to the pit of hell? I'm sick. I could vomit. I don't know if it's the devil playing games with my mind  or God telling me it doesn't have to be this way. It's absolutely maddening.

In one thought, I feel that God wants more for me than this. After all, I'm His precious child and we're taught he has our best interests in his heart. He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Right? So, the situation wasn't prosperous. It was dangerous and ugly and spiteful. It was not how a marriage should be.

I guess I just want to be one of those miracle couples you read about. The ones God swoops down and saves at the last second. That overcomes all of the hurt, the pain, and the nasty words that have been spoken. One of the couples who gets a second chance and becomes happier than they ever were before. The ones who now know to never take their love for granted ever again.

Why God? Why not us?

Part of me wants to pick up the phone. To call him and cry my eyes out. I can't.

Part of me wants to write him an email and ask him if this is really what we should do. I can't.

I wanted to separate. I wanted to take a step back and do what we just did, minus the divorce papers, minus a move across the country, and minus all the anguish and ugly we've experienced.

No. There's too much that has happened now. Not that other people matter in a marriage, but there's been too many judgments, too many harsh words spoken. No room for healing.

It just can't be done.

But wait, can't God do anything!?! I'm confused. I hate this world I'm living in.

I don't want this. I don't want this. I don't want this.

But, I have to.