Robbed

"We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else".
      --- Sigmund Freud (1961)

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" -- Kahlil Gibran 

"He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it". -- Turkish Proverb

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted"-- Jesus Christ on the Mount, Matthew 5:4

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I have a million "Why's" in my head tonight.

I don't understand why some people are blessed with babies and some aren't.

I don't understand why some women's babies are taken away from them.

I don't understand why good people have to feel pain and anguish.

I also don't understand why some people don't know how to show love and empathy to their fellowman.

I know all of that sounds really negative, but I'm in a mood tonight. I'm angry with God. Something I don't feel often. I feel jilted by the fact I was allowed to get happy about being pregnant. Why even know at all God? Why even allow me to feel those emotions? Within those few weeks of trying and all of the happiness and excitement leading up to it and then the days when I knew...there was so much planning that had already taken place. Where furniture would go, who would be coming to the baby shower, where I would go once he deployed again. SO MUCH PLANNING. Then, all of it was gone as quickly as it came.

My grief is constant. It's always there. It comes in waves of severity. It could be a picture, a song, or a conversation with a friend and I'm in tears. I would like to know when it will all end. Will it ever? They say it gets easier as the days go by. But does it really?

I put on a brave face 99.9% of the time, but inside I feel a major part of me is missing. I try to take comfort in knowing I have a little angel watching over me and that while I might not be an "earth mommy" who gets the privilege of seeing her baby everyday, I am a mom. Period. 

One day I'll meet my baby in Heaven.