Surfing the blog-o-sphere tonight, I stumbled across an entry that super offended me from someone I know. While I don't know if this entry was partially aimed at me or not, I can assume I was one of the ones lumped into the disguised statistics. If my assumption is incorrect, then I owe this person an apology. None the less...
Let's make one thing very clear.
I wanted my marriage.
I wanted to fight for it. I wanted to work at it. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to leave.
Sure, could all of this have been prevented had we spent more time together before rushing into getting married? Yeah, I'll admit to that. It was foolish, but at the time given the circumstances of our separation and the military lifestyle (of which 1% of the population understands) we did what we thought we had to/needed to. If I could go back in time I'd certainly do things differently.
The only two people on this planet who know the inners and outers of my marriage to M our precisely just him and I. Nobody else. Despite the thorough stories we tell our friends and family, nobody knows nor will ever know besides us.
We encountered problems shortly after I came to Texas and RIGHT AWAY I went to counseling myself. M & I later went to visit the chaplain on numerous occasions AND went to marital counseling. It was only after the Army stepped in were we told to stop the marital and focus on the individual. At that time, M was ordered into anger management group and individual counseling while I continued my individual. To say we didn't try is ludacris. While all of the craziness was happening, I offered a separation on numerous occasions. Not once. Not twice. Probably about 4 or 5 times. I had an amazing job which I really COULDN'T leave. I was working for two doctors who not only paid me well, but depended on me fully. I made a commitment to care for their child and needed to fulfill it. I was 100% going to just support myself, split the bills as we had been doing already, and get a place of my own for about 90 days. We'd still see each other, go out together, but we wouldn't be living under the same roof. This did not sit well with my husband and in fact, when I told him he had no choice but to accept a separation and that I had made plans to move in with a friend for a few months, he went ballistic. I have all of this recorded on video which someday, I might have the nerve to post. This is what started the extreme plunge into "you can't go back" land.
I was so absolutely torn up about the situation and how God would receive it, I consulted with a counselor at my home Church in Orlando during the weekend of my dads wedding. God placed me with a woman who had been in my shoes. Out of all the counselors in the room, God placed me with her. For a reason. I came back to Texas, offered M a separation for the last time, and left.
The truth is...I still want my marriage. I still want to be married to M. People around me will hear that and think I've lost my marbles. Even I at times remind myself with the videos, the reports, and the emails that I'm crazy for thinking that way. I did make a commitment to love one man for the rest of my life. That man was M. I believed long before I married him that infidelity, alcoholism, abuse, addictions would never stop me from fixing my marriage. I would never leave my husband for any of those reasons. I'd fight to the death.
The truth is, no matter what has happened or what will happen...I love M. I will always. Our divorce has revealed the ugliest side of the both of us. It's disgusting, it's despicable and I wish I could pinch myself, wake up from this nightmare, and be happily curled up next to my husband. As I always told him, Who HONESTLY wants divorce? It's like saying who HONESTLY wants war? NOBODY! If I could do ANYTHING to get back to the day we said "I Do" I would. If I could start this marriage all over, I would. Some may read this and be standing on their solid rock of perfectness and say, "But you still can!" No. I cannot. There are circumstances surrounding the demise of our marriage that very few people know about. It's that way for a reason. Every detail of our marriage isn't everyone's business. For someone to make the assumption they know M & I inside and out and knew how our marriage worked or didn't is ridiculous.
I'm still completely torn up about the fact my marriage is ending. I do not rejoice in the fact that the man I married is no longer going to be my husband. Sure, I have my moments where I put on the "Yes! So glad this will be over!" face. But the truth of the matter is, I'm hurting so very deeply over all of this. Divorce is not an easy thing and for someone who hasn't gone through it PERSONALLY, there is no room to speak out against it. Witnessing family and friends go through it is NOTHING compared to when it's your own marriage. The amount of pain, regret, and disappointment is immense. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.
It's one thing to be disgusted by the divorce statistics or saddened by the demise of people's marriages, but until you walk a mile in my shoes...save your commentary. The holier than thou approach to marriage and divorce doesn't always work. I'd love to believe that God can save every marriage, but you know what...it doesn't always happen. I'm sorry. I'd love to believe God could save every single child from abortion, but it doesn't always happen. I'd love to believe God can bless every single deserving couple in this world with a child, but it doesn't happen. There are many factors behind every situation in this life, and the answer is not always a simple one. It's not always "Turn to God and He will save you." What about the people who have tried that? What about the fact it takes two to make a marriage work. A book or a movie about saving your marriage isn't going to always FIX someones marriage. What about women who are abused? Cheated on? Threatened? Made to feel like scum? Scared for their life? They're just supposed to sit around, pray to God, and trust He's going to fix their marriage while their husbands beat them, whore around, and belittle them? No, I'm sorry. My God wants more for me and for other women than that.
Regardless of the dastardly act I'm committing in getting a divorce, one thing I know for sure is that my God is a forgiving God. My God knows the circumstances of the situation. My God loves me, His child and if I ask for forgiveness and repent, He'll grant that. Divorce is disgusting and sad in the eyes of God. It's one of the worst things someone can do. I GET IT. I TOTALLY GET IT. There is nothing I can do but move forward, learn from this horrible mistake, and ensure I live a better life from here on out. I need the support of people who understand that, and if you're not one of them...by all means GET OUT.
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