Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Oh, letting go. One of the hardest things to do in life. 

We all have to do it at one time or another. Some of us more frequently.

When we're forced to let go of SOMEONE, it's usually someone we've grown close to who has hurt us or is no longer welcomed in our lives anymore. It could be a friend you've just grown apart from, a family member causing you distress, or an ex who is driving you bonkers. We also come across people we really wish we would have never met. Perhaps it's the same person that crosses your mind when you think of who you need to let go. Never the less, it's a crappy place to be in but can also be very freeing.

Unfortunately, with the current place in my life...many of these "Truth" posts are revolving around the current state of my marriage, or lack there of. I would like to believe everything happens for a reason and that nothing in this life is a mistake. People often have asked me over time whether I'd do anything different or if I could change anything would I. I always answered that everything taught me something and I was better for having experienced so many challenges. I'm not so sure I can confidently say that anymore.

I feel like I released my husband long ago. I had to accept that things were never going to change and the life I envisioned having, was never going to be. Letting go of that was what enabled me to leave. I know I cannot control his behavior, nor be responsible for his actions. More importantly, I know I cannot change him no matter what I do. This is one of the biggest mistakes women make in life. Believing that they can cure their husbands of violence, pornography addictions, gambling addictions, alcohol addictions, by loving them more, cooking better, being more supportive, having sex more frequently, etc. You can't. I knew this years before I married my husband. I wasn't going to play that game again.

I hesitate to say I wish I didn't know my husband, just because I have long been a believer of everything teaches you something. But, if I'm being honest...at this point I'd have to say I wish I didn't know him. I don't feel like my marriage enriched my life in any way. I was pregnant, but my baby didn't survive just like my marriage. That's a grief I wouldn't have had to endure had I not been married. I think back to how my life was before he and I started dating. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Living in a new city FULL of opportunity. I had EVERYTHING at my hands and I threw it all away on a senseless marriage. I now have to carry the burden of being a divorcee at 25 and explaining that to the next person I end up with. (While my fear of that has greatly subsided, it still sucks. I know whomever God intends me to be with, won't care about that.) I just don't see the good that came from my being married to him. Sure, I met a few people while I was serving on the sidelines as an army wife but I only truly speak to one of them. The way I see it, this entire situation has cost me years of my life I will never get back. It could always be worse, yes, but it is what it is. 

If I could erase it all, I would. Find me the machine used in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and I'll be the first in line. When someone asks me in the future what I could have done differently or what I regret most in my life, it will sadly be my marriage to him. I wish I could say differently but with how ugly this divorce has gotten, there's just no good that has come from this situation. Had things been handled with more respect and dignity, I would not be sitting here typing this stuff. I don't want to sound like a Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy, but this is the 30 days of truth and that's my truth.