Day 14: Write a letter to a hero that has let you down
Dear Jay,
Why? If I could look you in the eyes for 5 minutes, ask any question, and get the truthful answer...that's what I would ask. Why? That's all I want to know. There was no reason for it. You had a beautiful wife, two gorgeous girls, an amazingly supportive family, successful businesses, and the world at your fingertips. So, why? Did you not think you'd leave behind scores of absolutely devastated people? Ever since you've gone, my life has been sorely different. I often wonder how things would be different if you were still here. I know for one, you would have never let me marry M. I know I wouldn't have entered into certain relationships in my past which were huge mistakes. I know financially, I'd be much better off...just because you would have ensured I was on my way to success. I know your girls would have turned out differently. Maybe not, because they're stubborn like their mom, but their "endings" would be different I'm sure.
I admired you so much. You were the absolute last person in this world I thought would do such a thing. I'll just never, ever understand it. You were the father I had always wanted. The one I wanted to give me away. A man who had so much love and wanted to bless everyone he was around. You were a pillar of strength for your friends and your family. Perhaps you got too tired of holding everyone and everything up? Your faith has inspired me to be the person I am today. Though I've wavered at times, it is in my core. I hope to someday have a marriage like yours and be married to someone with the same characteristics. In talking to Kaye, they hardly make 'em like that anymore. I pray you help me find him.
I love you and am always thinking of you,
Shannon
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without.
Didn't I have this one before? Oh wait, it was the "Something or someone that has made your life worth living." There are lots of things I can't live without. Air, water, a place to sleep, clothing, food, etc. All of the things we so often take for granted. It's hard to imagine people don't actually have these things and still are trying to survive. Kinda put things in perspective when you do stop to think about it. With the holidays, we get so caught up on presents and what to buy for the one who has everything. What about the people with nothing? Sad. Anyway, that was a total side track.
In reality, I couldn't live without my faith in Jesus Christ. I know I've also mentioned that before, but if we're being realistic...that's my answer. I have always been a Christian. I may have not always acted like one, but I've always been one. I grew up in a Christian home, went to Christian schools most my life, and accepted Jesus before I can even remember. I have no idea what it's like to NOT be a Christian. I really don't know how people do it. A dear friend of mine I was talking to today is not. He has been faced with many challenges in his life and perhaps doesn't know God because he can't understand how God would allow such things. I know many people like this. I do not criticize those who are not believers, nor do I feel it is my sole job to convert them to Christians. I can only hope that one day my friend will come around to knowing God. It's certainly enriched my life.
Other things I can't live without...
Day 16: Something or someone you COULD live without
I once was someone who believed that whatever had to be done to protect this country needed to be done. If it meant war, than so be it. After being married to a soldier and seeing things from that perspective, everything has changed. I hate war. I hate it. I hate the people who flew the planes into our towers. I voted for Bush, but I *almost* hate him and the rest of politicians who got us into this mess. Hate is a strong word, one I don't use often but I HATE that guys are leaving behind their friends, their families, and their minds and going to fight a war. They come back TOTALLY changed, having experienced things nobody should ever have to.
You ask me what I could live without, it's war.
It's unfair. Quite frankly, it's bulls**t. If I could have one wish, truly, it would be to end all of this madness and bring everyone home. If you had asked me that prior to all of the destruction with M & I, I'd give you a straight up "It's what has to be done" answer. Not anymore. I've seen how it's changed him and changed the lives of not only myself but others around me. I know I've blogged about it before, but I'm angry. I feel like I sacrificed my marriage for the betterment of this country. I knew what I was doing when I married him. I did. I knew what being a military spouse was all about. Sacrifice and a commitment to something "greater." It wasn't about me, it wasn't about us, and it wasn't about our life. It was about the Army and fulfilling the call of duty he entered into. Never did I imagine though, that all of it would have such a monstrous impact on my life. If you ask him, he feels the same way. He hates the military and has nothing good to say about his time as a soldier. I'm sure he's counting down the days, hours, and minutes until he's discharged. He'll tell you it's all a sham and that it's not what it used to be. He'll tell you he feels like the military failed him and it destroyed our marriage. I have to agree on all points.
I don't mean for this post to be a military bashing post, because I still love and support the military. How can you not? I won't go as far to say that I support the military, but not the cause. People who say that really piss me off. I'm just so saddened on the impact this war has had on so many thousands upon thousands.
I could do without war. I could do without daddies missing their babies births. I could do without parents being separated from their children for 12-15 months. I could do without the PTSD & the TBI. I could do without the anger and the rage and the violence. I could do without the bureaucracy and the red tape. I could do without all of it.
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