I hope all of my blog readers had a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving. This year was extremely difficult for me as Thanksgiving day was my due date. I knew it was coming since it happened and I dreaded it. I could not have been prepared for what ended up happening and I wish I could go back in time.
I decided to spend it away from the party crowd and spend it in a calm, low stress environment. Great. I won't have to worry about mental breakdowns in the middle of eating my mashed potatoes. Just when I thought I was in the clear...a text message pregnancy announcement from a family member. REALLY? REALLY GOD? Why the F**K of all days does this have to happen? The day I, Shannon, am supposed to be delivering a healthy, happy baby and be on cloud 9? The one thing that could pain me the most happened. Any other day. Why my due date? Why a day I'm already struggling with? I have not been that hysterical in a really long time. Like, short of breath, gasping for air hysterical. I can't believe it. I know everyone says, "Well, can't you just be happy for her?" Ummm congrats to her but I'm involved in my own grief right now. I'm not concerned with other people's pregnancies. Sorry. Unless you've TRULY experienced loss, you don't understand and quite frankly, have no business to comment. So, no offense but if you're one of my readers thinking that...bug off.
I sat back and imagined this day...how it would have played out. M & I in the hospital, enjoying watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and perhaps a little football later. Then, delivering an amazing miracle baby wrapped in a tiny (hopefully pink) blanket and being absolutely 100% in love. Nope. Now I wrangle with every decision I've made. I know it was the right thing to do to end my marriage but it sure as hell would have been easier to stay and put up with the bullshit than deal with all of this alone. Now, I'll be starting over at 26. Still wanting to be a mommy on earth and setting back the clock a few more years. KILLS me.
I just don't understand it. I don't want my life to end, but I certainly would rather be in a fluffy white place with my baby and angels playing harps than this shitty mess here. I HATE that I'm in this place. I HATE IT. I know it will someday pass but right now it sucks...big time. I feel like I need a better support group. Someone to know I'm not okay, hold me, and just envelop me in love and comfort. Perhaps that's why I crave Heaven right now. All of this hurt, pain, chaos, and commotion on earth. I need a soft place to land. Perhaps living Survivor style on an island is just as appealing.
Speaking of, I need a job and a place to live ASAP. I've even started desperately applying for au pair positions overseas. God only knows how that would work out with Piper, but I'm grabbing at straws. I'm sure it will all work out in the end, but this not knowing is not a good thing for me. I am a solid person and like for everything to be taken care of. I don't like to worry or feel unsafe.
Anyway, that's all I've got for right now.
Love to all of you :)
So sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteI am currently TTC (not experienced any losses as yet) and reading this makes my heart go out to you.
I wish there was something i could do right now to make you feel better other than saying i am sorry.