Memories

I don't know what it was today, but something triggered my mind back to when I lived in Ocala. For those who don't know where that is, it's about 45 min or so SOUTH of Gainesville (University of Florida) and about an hour and a half NORTH of Orlando, Florida. Anyway, I remember being hmm...about 10 or 11 and living within walking distance from a nursing home. I went to Christian school and we took class field trips once a month and did service work at places around our school. Since the nursing home was so close, we walked there. I connected with a really special lady named Rose, whom I will never forget. She always had smiley face things all over her room...or perhaps it was because I gave them to her. None the less, she was a sweet old spanish lady and I believe her family did come to visit her from time to time, though I never met them. She was in a wheelchair if I remember and could talk and function decently, but one day she had a stroke. I don't remember how I was told, because I was so young. But, I remember coming in to see this sweet lady who could no longer talk to me, but just make grumbles and noises. When I think back to it, it saddens me at this age but back then I don't think it phased me as much. I just continued on to visit her and tried to understand her as best I could. I'm pretty sure my mom even let me walk there on weekends and weekdays when I was out of school. In this day and age it's pretty scary to think about, but back then it was so "safe." I have no idea what became of Rose, well obviously she's in a better place by now but it's amazing what little things you keep with you your entire life.

In other business, Michael just got home from his 6 day stint in the ER. I tried to greet him with lots of love and a big hug and was totally rejected. I feel like every time I try to put the past behind us, TRY to love him, and try to move forward, he just treats me like garbage. I don't know how I'm ever supposed to move on or move forward. Every time we get a chance to start over, a break of some sort, I keep believing that this time things will be different. I know he's in serious pain, they shoved a 10 inch needle down his back before he left, but his attitude just kills everything for me. I was in such a great, happy mood and here we go again. Why? I just don't get it. I am ALL. HE. HAS. Literally. So why does he shove me away and piss me off to the point I have no desire to be with him anymore? I just don't get it.