It's much easier to update my blog than it is to email, text, phone and other etc.'s the amazing number of people who have shown their concern for my situation. So...here goes.
I've known Michael since we were 14. Wait...maybe it's 13 that you start 9th grade. Whichever it is, it's been over 10 years. Granted, we never dated then and obviously much changes in people after high school times. I totally get that. I don't need another person to remind me of the fact we DIDN'T spend a lot of time together before getting married. I understand now that it was a mistake to do so. But, I'm in it now so there's no going back. Anyway...all that said and I just knew that something wasn't right with Michael. Obviously, any soldier that comes back from war experiences some sort of re-adjustment. Some soldiers kill, some see bad things, and all of them are brainwashed in order to make them more affective at their jobs. Michael also had a rough upbringing, details of which I will not discuss but just trust me when I say...it was as nightmarish as it can be. All of that together and when he returned from deployment he was a totally different person. The anger, the violent outbursts, and just his dull thinking of life re-assured me that something was dreadfully wrong.
I pushed and pushed and pushed for him to get an MRI. Finally it was done. He turned the results in Monday and on Friday, he went to his superiors and demanded he get some answers to his problems. After getting quite a run around and a little bit of drama thrown in between, he was finally able to see the doctor and express his concerns. You see, he started having spasms a few months ago. These episodes entailed him not being able to speak, his face going numb, as well as his lower extremities. Again, seeing this only re-iterated that something was wrong. The doctor looked into the computer to see if anything was input about his MRI results. There was something there.
The doctor told him he could not diagnose him because the results have to be read by a neurologist, but from what he could say, it wasn't good. He basically told Michael that it looks to him like Multiple Sclerosis. He said that whatever it was was going to put him on a desk-only profile, no more overnight week-long field exercises, possibly no deployment, and possibly end of his military career. WOW.
Now, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The behaviors that make me want to leave, could be caused by whatever is going on, which was my suspicion all along. That doesn't make them excusable and doesn't mean I have to stay and endure them, just because he has an illness. What am I to do?
He doesn't get his official diagnosis until the 7th of September, so I have decided to wait and see what comes down and speak to his doctor. I want to find out if in fact these mood swings, aggression, etc. are because of this neurological problem. If they are, I'd like to know what treatment options are and odds of recovery/adaptation. I think I have a right to that right?
It makes it hard because it seems my parents are 100% gung-ho for me to up and leave. My mom is almost disappointed that I've decided to wait 10 days and go from there. Am I being ridiculous here? The Christian in me already struggles with the very idea of a divorce, but if it must be done..it must be done. Now throw on top of that I might be divorcing a husband who is sick...and I'm in a real moral dilemma.
Please pray for me to have some real clarity with this issue. Divorce is SUCH a massive decision. I want to be happy and I want to make sure I'm in a positive, healthy situation...but I need to make sure I'm also doing the right thing.